SurvivingInfidelity.com Forum Archives

naivewife posted 9/24/2013 15:11 PM

Naturally, a big part of recovering and R is for the BS to ask tons of questions (or as many questions they're comfortable with) about the A, and every book and expert encourages this. But what about the WS asking the BS questions? Questions about what they were going through, what happened in their life during the A? Maybe this isn't applicable in every situation, but WH cheated on me shortly after the birth of our second son, and he really checked out on us for those four months. He has asked a few questions about what I went through at that time, what I was thinking etc. but it always seems like when he asks he's just looking for a quick answer, while I really want to blabber on and on - like a floodgate that needs to open. It just kind of surprises me that I don't see anything mentioned (in my limited reading) about the WS asking the BS questions about what THEY were experiencing, and what happened while they were in fantasy land. Maybe it's just expected that BS's will simply pour it all out in their rage and sadness, but shouldn't WS's take the time to ask these questions? Isn't that part of the whole experience of an A, that a BS was basically abandoned to handle real life while the WS checked out? It seems like that would be an important part of letting go of resentment. Not only did he not care enough to be with me at that time, but even now, the focus is all about his big adventure.

Yakamishi posted 9/24/2013 15:14 PM

Heh, I've actually begged my WW to ask me questions. Yet she hasn't. It's like they would rather forget the whole affair, (Pun intended)and carry on with life.

Kelany posted 9/24/2013 15:17 PM

No, he's never asked, but I've never been shy about telling him either. I was very ill health wise during his A years, and he emotionally and sometimes physically abandoned me. I raised our kids largely myself as he emotionally abandoned them as well. I've made SURE he knows this.

ILINIA posted 9/24/2013 15:25 PM

No. I think he is embarrassed about the affair, therefore, he wants to forget the whole thing happened.

Oddly, I can't see to let it go that easily...

lostworld posted 9/24/2013 15:30 PM

He asked very rarely, but that's because I think I usually expressed my thoughts/emotions during our conversations. It took quite a while in R, however, for him to really appreciate and have true empathy for my feelings.

RidingHealingRd posted 9/24/2013 18:17 PM

My WH never brings it up....ever. He will talk about his A when I bring it up.

There really is no need for my WH to ask me questions since I made sure to let him know all of my feelings/thoughts, many times over, since dday.

Why wait until he asks? Just tell him. I think you are correct, you need to address what bothers you, all of it, so you can let go of the resentment.

AML04 posted 9/24/2013 19:20 PM

I've said a few things but he's never asked. He can barely talk about what he did unless I ask direct questions. Ugh, this sucks so bad.

IGaveItMyAll posted 9/24/2013 19:24 PM

My WW asked me what I was going through. Mostly so she could help me heal from this. After a while she was so overwhelmed with guilt it made her sick to her stomach. But its a good thing. I found myself always wanting more. Still do to a fault but hey this ain't easy!! I just want the big picture.

tryin2havefaith posted 9/24/2013 20:26 PM

Mine did not ask for a very long time.

But once I had all the "pieces" of the story I decided to write it all down, sort of novel style. It was very cleansing for me. I guess I needed to see the whole picture after having gotten fed one piece at a time. I also wrote my thoughts at different times throughout also. I wrote an entire spiral notebook in just two evenings. It seems once I opened the gates, it just came pouring out of me.

I let FWH have access to it. He actually asked if he could read it when he inquired about what I was doing. He then asked me a couple of questions. It was the bridge we needed for him to feel safe to ask I guess.

englishrose posted 9/24/2013 20:36 PM

he doesn't ask, he has never asked anything.

I tell him tho, I have made it and continue to make it absolutely clear to him.

for some reason, I too can't seem to let it drop,

BW2639 posted 9/24/2013 21:43 PM

I certainly don't recall her asking me anything...

Dare2Trust posted 9/25/2013 01:27 AM

NOPE, My WH has never asked me anything....and he still shudders if/when I ask him an affair question.

Dare2Trust posted 9/25/2013 01:27 AM

NOPE, My WH has never asked me anything....and he still shudders if/when I ask him an affair question.

WhiteCarrera posted 9/25/2013 08:52 AM

My WW almost never brings up the topic. Yes, I think she wants to let it drop and move forward, BUT I also think that she feels like any discussion can turn on her.

She has lied so much during this whole thing, that every discussion threatens to bring up the same old things, and she sees no reason to initiate that risk. So she just keeps quiet whenever she can.

WhatsRight posted 9/25/2013 09:04 AM

All of your responses validate what I have always thought about my WH at least, in that - it is all about THEM.

Why THEY did what they did?

What THEY are going to do to heal?

etc. etc. etc.

This is all so backwards to me.

Sorry to break into this conversation. I do NOT consider myself to be in R, but I come here often to just try to see what it COULD BE like if we did.

Joanh posted 9/25/2013 09:07 AM

I hope you don't mind a WS response.
I have tried to ask how he is doinghow he feels. At his request unless its something pressing for me he doesn't want to talk about it. So... I would like to talk more, my BH doesn't like too.
Now on the otherside of that my BH has the belief that I don't think about it or that I am affected by it. Which is totally the opposite. So. I would question whether they are rugsweeping it or if they think you don't want to or is it they are trying to not rock the boat. There are many reasons why they may not be asking questions. THe guilt and the pain of what I have inflicted is forever on my mind and try hard to help my BH as much as possible. Sometimes it seems like a loose loose situation. To talk or not to talk neither will be right or at the right time. Just my thoughts. Sorry to intrude if not wanted.

2married2quit posted 9/25/2013 09:26 AM

She doesn't ask one thing. Probably because the response is going to be one of pain for both of us. She did check out and was in the clouds alright.

DWBH posted 9/25/2013 10:38 AM

What's to ask? According to my W, I only existed during the A (and many years before that) to bring home a paycheck and be a father to our children. She admits she gave up on "us" a while ago, and resigned herself to a partnership only.

I'm paraphrasing many, many discussions here, but you get the point. There really is nothing she doesn't know, because there were no secrets, on my part, during her A.

meplusfour posted 9/25/2013 11:11 AM

Naivewife, thank you for asking this question. I read your post yesterday and your thoughts stayed with me for the remainder of the day. The bulk of our discussions about the A, revolve around him and the OW. Rarely does fWH ever ask me about how I felt during that time or what was going on with me. Last night, after fWH and I put the kids to bed, I asked him why he did not have any questions for me. At first he replied that he does ask me question about my day and activities, which to me, is something entirely different. To make a long story short, eventually fWH admitted that asking me about how I was feeling then (and now) forces him to face up to the hurt and damage he caused to me, our relationship and our family. He finds it incredibly painful and humiliating to relive that time, and he thought that if he asked me questions, it would only bring up more pain and hurt which may lead into a disagreement. I expressed that by showing empathy and concern for what I went through and am going through, we can recover more fully. fWH said that he does feel this way but felt that if he brought it up, he would upset me further. Expressions that convey remorse, recognize and acknowledge my struggle such as "I know today must be a hard day. I'm sorry I did this to us", or "I know it is hard to be here, it would bother me too. What can I do to help you through this", mean so much more to me. He agreed that despite his reluctance to bring up his A, he would work on these types of statements.

So once again, thank you for your thoughts. It has helped me take another step forward towards rebuilding my M.

[This message edited by meplusfour at 11:12 AM, September 25th (Wednesday)]