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Am I being selfish?

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noglamour posted 9/24/2013 15:40 PM

My wife had IC today and I sent her a text message to see how it went. She said it went well.
I said that I was happy it went well and that I was thinking about her today.

She replies back saying she wishes I would not say stuff like that and that it is hurtful and selfish.

She also says that she wants me to be close to our son but she feels I spend more time trying to be around her.
(This is when I come over)

Yesterday, she wanted to know if I could stop by the pet store after picking up or son to get some things. I said sure not a problem. She also said she needed ink for the printer. I got that too.

When I was the house she was trying to start the gas grill and it would not start. It was out of gas so I went up to the store and got more gas.

Am I being selfish?

wifehad5 posted 9/24/2013 15:56 PM

From what you describe, no. From your D-day? I can tell you your wife's head is all kinds of messed up. It's still sinking in, and her feelings are likely to change on a minute by minute basis.

I think it would be a good idea to bring it up to her later and see what she meant

Darkness Falls posted 9/24/2013 16:04 PM

I'm sure your intent is not selfish. However, she seems to have stated a boundary and it would be respectful of you to discontinue those types of comments if she finds them unwelcome.

Boundaries work both ways. If she wants a business-only relationship pertaining to raising your child without personal interaction, that is her choice---but perhaps she should not expect you to do her grocery/office supply shopping or light her grill. WSs aren't the only ones who can't be "nice"d back into a relationship.

noglamour posted 9/24/2013 16:10 PM


You are correct, she does not want to hear that I love her or miss her, etc. Why does she not want to know?

When I was over at the house on Sunday, she said "You can clean up the dog side if you want"
The dogs stay in one room most of the time and there are dog hairs and its get messy. I did what she wanted, vacuumed, dusted, etc.

I think you are right, the boundaries should work both ways. I have been doing everything she asks of from me.

badchoice posted 9/24/2013 16:18 PM

I know what you are going through, you are stuck in limbo land.

You are separated, right?

You both are separate, but still together in many many ways. Having dinners (right?) spending time together at the house, everything is murky.

I don't know what you should do. You have to decide what your boundaries are, your BW has to decide what hers are. If she has told you she needs space, then give it to her. Not just physical space, but mental space too.

It all depends on the goal, S with the goal of R or S heading towards D. I know you want R, I don't know if your BW knows that yet - Right?

As far as the text?

I said that I was happy it went well and that I was thinking about her today.

I sent almost this exact same text (among others), and I think it is selfish. It is about how you feel, not about what she is going through, or what she needs. Slightly manipulative IMO.

I can't remember, what has your BW told you about the status?

badchoice posted 9/24/2013 16:20 PM

I cross most of what I asked was answered.

I agree with HB - boundaries are key, and doing what you are doing is not healthy for either of you.

noglamour posted 9/24/2013 16:34 PM


Yes, I'm in limbo land. We are separated but together in ways. We dont have dinner every night, but we did on Monday night and I brought over lunch for us on Sunday.
She does not want R. We are separated heading toward D. Yes, she knows I want to R. I have told her before in the past.

Sounds like I need to respect her space more and not say that. I must keep it business.
I also need to define my boundary and not be doing all of the things I used to do.

badchoice posted 9/24/2013 16:47 PM

It is hard I know.

I am sorry you are going through this too.

I have found that every emotional conversation that we have brings be back a few steps in my grieving process.

I struggle being supportive and helping her - with my old ways of being of being the nice guy, doing things and expecting things in return. It hurts and it sucks. Every time I do something I have to check my motives. Am i doing it to help? Am I expecting something in return (maybe just maybe I will get to R)? Is this healthy or not. As long as I know the answers and I choose to do something, I am ok. It is when I jump to automatic nice guy that my resentments build. If I can say I am doing it to help her, that I am doing it out of love - that is when I am being selfless and I am o.k. Makes sense?

Figure out why you are still in this role. What inside of you, and her, is making this happen. You are both getting something out of it. I think you need to look into that.

It's hard to break old patterns.

Sadwife222 posted 9/24/2013 17:21 PM

No stop sign so I'll post my thoughts. I'm a BS. What I need to hear is how sorry my WH is for all that he put me through and for the consequences I have to face for his choices.

I would like to hear expressions of empathy, of how he knows the tortured thoughts I am having and realizes that he didn't do his job as a husband and protect me.

I need to hear that this is the worst thing he could ever do and that he will spend the rest of his life trying to be a better man and make up for all the terrible pain and distruction he's caused.

Sadwife222 posted 9/24/2013 17:21 PM

Sorry, double post.

[This message edited by Sadwife222 at 5:22 PM, September 24th (Tuesday)]

MissesJai posted 9/24/2013 17:25 PM

You are both getting something out of it. I think you need to look into that.
I completely agree with this. Not sure if you will ever know what she's getting out of it, but you can certainly explore what it is YOU are getting out of this.

noglamour posted 9/24/2013 18:52 PM

She doesnt want to hear that anymore. She wants it to be all business.

Sometimes we do "talk" about the EA but not in the past week.

I do let her know that I made the worst mistake of my life and how I will focus on being a better person for myself and son.

MissesJai, badchoice
I'm getting a chance to show her that I will do these things that she asks of me. Before the EA, I wouldnt really listen to her our tell her "Rome wasnt built in a day" and put it off.

I'm not sure what I'm getting out of it.

badchoice posted 9/24/2013 19:07 PM

I'm not sure what I'm getting out of it.

I don't know either...

Could one thing you are getting out of it is hope. Hope that you can do enough and prove to her that you are worthy of R.

Could another be a connection with your wife?

noglamour posted 9/24/2013 20:11 PM


That is it. We connect and it allows me to communicate with her. And yes, it is hope if i do everything she needs that she will consider R.

I don't think what I'm doing is good for me.

noglamour posted 9/24/2013 20:12 PM

I sent you a PM BC

WoundedOpus posted 9/25/2013 06:04 AM

I agree that what you're getting out of it is not good for you, it sounds like you think it's false hope and getting that connection is not allowing you to do your own detaching. As for the statements being selfish, she's still at the point where any 'I' statements are not going to come across well. "I'm happy / I'm thinking about you". Try the best you can to take the I's out of your communications.

If she doesn't want to R and you decides it's unhealthy to continue to do these things for her, just be honest and open with her about that. If the grill is out of gas, show her how to figure that out and then let her go to the store, ect. There are healthy ways to still be a nice guy and helpful while cutting this connection.

And like someone said, she's emotionally all over the place, she probably doesn't know why she feels and says most of what she does any more than you do, we just know nothing feels good anymore, she'll get to a better more even keeled place eventually.

cluless posted 9/25/2013 10:32 AM

noglamour being a BS I know how frustrating this can feel for you. It is really hard to understand how much pain your BW is in and is coping the ONLY way she knows how.

When my BH would tell me he loves me, misses me, etc. I would trigger to him saying that to his slut. I have ALL kinds of triggers and honestly have NO way to control them. You do sound like you love her and you are sorry.

Our marriage was rocky due to my illness and his "head games" he played with himself. We were on two different planes. After first d-day (when I found out about a EA, or so I thought) we spent this last year healing and REALLY talking. Something we weren't ever able to do before. He dropped some of the resentments he's held towards me and "let me in." I couldn't touch him until he was raw and real. When 2nd d-day arrived (when slut's husband contacted me to tell me the whole story of PA) ALL the work we had done was destroyed in less than a second.

My ADVICE to you, COMPLETE honesty. Write her a letter if she won't or unable to receive what you are saying. Tell her everything, what you were thinking, why you were thinking it, what you have realized, how you felt then, how you feel now but most important, let her know you are lost without her. Doing things for her is great, but that isn't going to fix this situation at all.

Good luck!

noglamour posted 9/25/2013 13:15 PM

Yes, I'm getting false hope and the connection is not allowing me to detach.
Thank you about the "I" statements, that does make perfect sense and I will stop using "I"

Thank you, she did say something similar a couple weeks ago when I told her I was thinking about her.

Should I tell her/write a letter before she asks me again for something?
Or mention it the next time?

Apple3point14 posted 9/25/2013 14:11 PM

The question of whether you're being selfish really boils down to your motivation. Your actions seemed helpful, But they don't buy you anything.

The thing you need to really look at here is why you are not obeying her wishes. If she doesn't want you to say certain things, don't.
Your intentions don't really mean anything if they aren't with your wife wants. Trust me, I have learned that one.

[This message edited by Apple3point14 at 4:21 PM, September 25th (Wednesday)]

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