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I really want to know if you think this is "cheating"?

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Sal1995 posted 9/24/2013 16:49 PM

Regardless of how it's labeled, it's extremely inappropriate. I don't know his age, but I'm struck with the level of immaturity displayed by both parties to these texts. Calling a man a "hoe" and a "hoochy", besides being weird, sounds very middle-schoolish. And he goes right along with it and ends some of his sentences with multiple exclamation points. Again, very middle-schoolish.

I saw similar behavior in my wife when she was 40. She wasn't at all immature when I met her at 23. Think of the movie American Beauty. Acting like dumb kids is often what they do when entering a mid-life crisis. I think you should go nuclear, and if that doesn't work, implement the 180 (see the Healing Library).

So sorry you are going through this, cl131716. Best wishes.

Sadwife222 posted 9/24/2013 16:58 PM

180 his ass now. I'd be telling him to leave.

cl131716 posted 9/24/2013 17:21 PM

Sall-She is in her 40s or 50s, Ws is 34. What do you mean by going nuclear? I read the article about 180 and I am going to try it. I was actually thinking earlier today I am sick of feeling sorry for myself and I am going to "move on" even if we do stay in the same house. A lot of what I was thinking about doing was mentioned in the 180. I've realized over the past few years I have become a person I no longer recognize. My life has revolved around his. I'm a stay at home mom, I never do anything for myself, I don't even speak to my friends anymore. I stay home and take care of our 15 month and 1 month old. That's it. In addition I take care of his 4 kids from a previous marriage while he "works". I'm done with that. I'm going back to work and school. I'm going to start going out with friends. And really do whatever I WANT to do. I'm going to stop thinking how he would feel when I do things. He no regard for my feelings, obviously. Not saying I am going to cheat or anything....just for once live MY life.

AussieMum posted 9/24/2013 19:07 PM

Oh, that is definitely cheating!! Don't listen to any of his crap about 'joking' etc. Makes me furious just reading their little exchange. This is how my STBX carried on too with his 3 OWs.

Definitely start the 180 and you look after YOU now and those little ones.

OldCow18 posted 9/24/2013 19:09 PM

Just want to chime in again to tell you that the reason I never pushed the issue back then is because WH totally gaslighted me saying it was harmless, just in fun, and it was a huge joke and I was "insecure" and crazy. I even contacted COW back then and she assured me of the same Now look where I am. Don't let this go. Even if he ends it with her he doesn't see this type of behavior as wrong and it will escalate with someone somewhere at some time. WH had inappropriate crap like this all over his FB, but it was "just fun!" Hindsight tells me he's been on a fishing expedition for at least 2 years and COW was the one that finally bit, and off they went to destroy my family. Don't let this go.

[This message edited by OldCow18 at 7:10 PM, September 24th (Tuesday)]

Mousse242 posted 9/24/2013 19:21 PM

It could be considered cheating at the very least, he's grooming her to cheat with her. He may claim there was no emotional involvement but their banter was way too friendly and jovial and I'm sure as hell it's not a conversation he would have had in your presence.

TICKED OFF posted 9/24/2013 19:34 PM

Do you really have to ask if this is cheating???? I think you know the answer.

Dreamland posted 9/24/2013 20:13 PM

Oh CL... Yes this is cheating. They are setting up the stage for when the time is right. Had I caught my H during the setting I might have avoided the PA. Go get MC to talk through boundaries.

ladies_first posted 9/24/2013 20:30 PM

If it's anything I wouldn't read aloud to my grandmother, my boss, my church leader or my spouse, then my boundaries say "NO. Stop. Don't go there."

Sal1995 posted 9/24/2013 20:31 PM

What do you mean by going nuclear?

cl131716, I mean kick some ass, in a figurative sense of course. Don't put up with this kind of nonsense. Set up a meeting with a divorce attorney and find out your options, and let him know all about it.

It sounds like your H needs a reality check.

Celticlass posted 9/24/2013 20:35 PM

I can only echo what every else is saying, it is cheating. At the time he made the decision to engage in this exchange, he was not thinking about you or your kids; only about what he was going to get out of this.

Don't let him tell you otherwise. I think we have all been there---I just don't know why we doubt ourselves when they tell us that "it's nothing" or "you're insecure", but we do. I doubt that he would feel this is "harmless" or "friendly banter" if YOU were the one doing the texting.

Be strong! I recently put on my bitch boots and I think I saw a pair with your name on them. I'm going to sleep with mine on-they feel so good

cl131716 posted 9/25/2013 09:01 AM

CelticClass-I finally put my bitch boots on last night and told him how things were going to play out. We had a very long chat last night and for the first time I felt I came out of it with a clear mind and not confused. I made him read the exchange and he was mortified by it. I made him reread it and told him to imagine it was me and another man. Again, mortified. He actually teared up and I have NEVER seen him tear up or cry the entire 3 years we've been together. He's agreed to IC and MC and actually ADMITS he needs it! :o Finally! He also admitted he had boundary issues.

Oldcow-I really hope I did catch this in time. I am definitely not letting it slide. I told him last night if he doesn't step up and FIGHT for us I'm done. I will no longer be disrespected in such a way. I also told him if he ever flirts, chats, adds a woman on FB, or anything of the sort it will NOT be tolerated. Period.

Bobbi_sue posted 9/25/2013 09:11 AM

Regardless of how it's labeled, it's extremely inappropriate. I don't know his age, but I'm struck with the level of immaturity displayed by both parties to these texts. Calling a man a "hoe" and a "hoochy", besides being weird, sounds very middle-schoolish.

I agree with the above. But cheating is a rather ambiguous word that could refer to things like cheating on tests or taxes. Generally, when I think of it in context of relationships, I think of it going a bit beyond what I saw in these immature, idiotic texts to either actually planning a physical encounter, and/or exchanging more emotional stuff. It could most certainly be a lead-up, hoping for an A, but I don't see this, in itself as cheating.

With that being said, if he has cheated in the past and still thinks it is okay to do this sort of texting when he is "bored" if I were in your shoes, I'd tell him to get out and I'd file for a D.

ninebark posted 9/25/2013 09:13 AM

You know I have to laugh at these people that say it isn't cheating because of one big fact. If you honestly didn't feel you were doing something wrong, you would NOT have deleted conversations. Honest people who do nothing wrong have nothing to hide.

The very fact he has to delete these conversations means he knows they were wrong.

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