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Breaking NC

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Loadsofchocolate posted 9/24/2013 15:59 PM

I have discovered that WH has broken NC 3 times since Dday1 3 months ago. He refuses to talk about the affair, claiming he wants to forget about her (although won't delete her from his youtube account etc). He shows no remorse and defends her actions when she sends me abusive messages.

He denied the extent of the contact on the most recent occasion as I had threatened him with divorce if he contacted her again. At the time I wasn't sure who to believe so left it. That was 2 weeks ago and now my gut is telling me something is going on again. It's just lots of little things that don't add up. What do I do in this situation? I don't want to end if if there's a slight chance I may be wrong. However, if he is lying again I want to know as soon as possible to end this torture. How can I make him understand what this is doing to me? I need the truth. This situation is destroying me. I'm not even sure if we have a relationship worth saving. Has anyone successfully reconciled when their WS has had such a strong emotional connection to their AP and won't stop contact?

Random thoughts posted 9/24/2013 17:13 PM

Bump for you to get some helpful answers.

Skan posted 9/24/2013 17:21 PM


He refuses to talk about the affair.
He won't delete her from his social accounts
He defends her while she abuses you
He lies about NC, even when threatened with divorce

What is he telling you? Seems pretty clear to me that he has no intention of giving up his ho and expects you to shut up and be plan B. He's not even subtle about it it's blatant. What do you think is next? Him moving her in and demanding that you wait on her hand and foot?

LoC, even IF you were wrong about the 3rd NC breach, there's plenty of evidence that it's only a matter of time until it DOES happen, especially as he has all of her contact info. This ship has sailed. It really is time to cut the anchor. (((hugs)))

unfound posted 9/24/2013 17:24 PM

Yes, there is a slight chance you may be wrong because of little things and your gut feeling. But what is he doing to relieve you of these feelings?

I get the whole wanting to make absolutely sure you've got the truth and that it's not just you seeing things that are being misconstrued or if your gut feelings are all wonked out because of (understandable) mistrust now. But think about it.... is he willing and WANTING to relieve your mind of these things? Is he willing to do whatever he can to PROVE that your gut is wrong?

Regardless of whether or not you're gut is right, he's not doing anything (from what I gather from your post) to reassure you that he's remorseful and wants to rebuild your trust from the affair/contact you do know about.

One way you can try to make him understand what this is doing to you is to set boundaries for yourself: what you will and will not tolerate in this marriage..then decide and implement the consequences of him crossing those boundaries.

Even then, he may not really understand what this is doing to you. But it will show you that he will either step up and do what needs to be done to regain your trust and rebuild this M, or not. And that will give you a place to start making decisions on whether or not you want to be in this M anymore.

You will have to decide whether or not you are willing to be in a relationship where you are not respected and there is no trust.

PeaceLove187 posted 9/24/2013 17:44 PM

To answer your question about reconciliation after multiple occurances of broken NC---yeah, it has happened. It's probably more common for NC to be broken multiple times than it is for them to make a clean break from the A. It's not necessarily that the emotional connection is so strong, it's that the addiction is so strong. Everytime a secret text or forbidden call comes in, a shot of endorphins goes to their brain. New love is a mess of emotions swimming in hormones and nobody knows what connection is really there until the hormones subside. Sometimes it takes awhile for the hormones to drain out through their little pea brains. Filing for separation or divorce tends to blast the hole wide open.

Your H shows no remorse, so you aren't in R. If you see movement toward remorse, maybe a wait and see attitude will work out for you. If you see no movement or you have no interest in waiting, then grab some dynamite.

Dare2Trust posted 9/24/2013 22:44 PM


At ths point - I'm sorry; but your marriage is not in Reconciliation.
I'd suggest you post in Just Found Out or General to get some feedback and helpful advice.

Your WH needs to END THE AFFAIR; send the OW a NO CONTACT LETTER.
That's just the very beginning.
I'm sincerely sorry for the pain and turmoil you're going through.

Loadsofchocolate posted 9/25/2013 15:08 PM

Thank you all for taking the time to reply to my post. You've all given me some great advice.

skan - everything you said is right, I've been in denial because I'm too scared to consider the alternative.

I don't think I'm willing to throw it all away yet but I think the chances of reconciliation are rapidly decreasing by the day. Like everyone else has suggested I will need to set myself some boundaries about what I'm prepared to accept. I will start to distance myself from him in case we do split up.

He certainly needs some dynamite (I can think of a very good place to put it ) I will need to have a serious talk with him and get it all out. One way or the other he puts the effort in or gets out.

Obviously the NC thing would be the main thing he needs to prove that he can do. He always contacts her via his phone or laptop. He is incredibly good with technology and hiding things so how would he be able to prove that he hasn't contacted her again. Would keyloggers do that or would I be better making him have my prehistoric phone which does next to nothing?

Finally, how do you get rid of an OW that doesn't leave you alone. She has sent me abusive messages and has made it perfectly clear that she will never leave him alone. I'm absolutely sick of her.

[This message edited by Loadsofchocolate at 7:43 AM, December 29th (Sunday)]

blakesteele posted 9/25/2013 15:18 PM

Please visit the "Just Found Out" forum and actively learn about two components to adultery...this is critical.

Component 1. The Fog.
Component 2. 180

I see you are very close to your DD. My DD occurred...we were in weekly MC sessions, some of our friends knew...and, yet, my wife decided to take her A underground and nurtured it from an EA to a PA during this period. This was followed by trickle truthing and me having a DD#2.

A frim line was drawn, I confronted her OM...which very much angered my wife as her affair "was probably officially over now thanks to blakesteele". Yep...angry at me. The fog is in some ways worse then the actual affair.

NC was broken via an email to her OM....he did not respond. I only learned of this breach over 2 months later...which was 3 months past her last contact with him. This NC length of time was the time necessary for my wife to break her addiction. I think your husband is way to close to his "fix" to be fully broken from it.

When asked why she broke NC and sent the email "Looking for closure" was the first answer. The real answer was one last cast into the pond...see if I got any nibbles. In my case my wifes OM gets the credit for ending her A. Upset me for a while, because I know full well if he had blinked at all at her it would be off to the races again, but then her A is I processed through this and reached forgiveness.

Sadly, what you are experiencing really is the norm. It is a rare WS indeed who breaks their A off quickly, completely and honestly.

(((Loadsofchocolate))) This is unlike anything I ever thought I would be subject too.

Take time for yourself...don't rush into any decisions...such as forgiving him, divorcing, R, separation....try to learn to float. The "emotional roller coaster" has its name for a reason.

God be with you.

[This message edited by blakesteele at 3:24 PM, September 25th (Wednesday)]

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