This is the umpteenth time I have tried to reply.
Now I am at the library (trying to get into a site I couldn't on my phone...fail..bummer). I reread all the replies.
The autism comment is something I have been pondering since ds5 was diagnosed pdd (pervasive developmental disorder nos). Without meeting wh, those who diagnosed ds felt it came from his father. I immediately felt it came from me. Not to take the blame, but things I know about myself.
I do not fit in with people who are considered "normal". Im comfortable with people who are just off center; who are different in looks and views.
I don't mind being in crowds as long as they are cool with me mostly observing.
In school, I spent a lot of time alone in quiet hallways reading (during lunch).
That said, I have never in my life NOT had friends. I do NOT have friends here in NJ. I have two people I sort of feel comfortable with, but there is no socialization. The reason I have no friends is a mix of how I feel and the fact Im not from here (its a very, I don't know what to term it, "townie" location) and then there is the fact Im a bs who interfers etc. (dont want to end up in general or red flagged, so will leave it at that bc its not about what belongs in general, this is about MY feelings and self image, etc).
The more I have the door shut on me socially, the more I feel like there is something wrong with me (like when I found out someone here blocked me, I refused to take responsibility, but honestly, it hit deep). I must be saying the wrong things. Then something pops up that says I have a right to my opinion and Im not a hurtful person. Its a cycle.
Depressed, yep. Without a doubt. There was a post on fb with a big hole. Something about not getting so low on yourself that you end up in the big hole. Too late. There already.
Volunteering: I can barely clean my house and cook.
I barely get up in the morning. The only thing I can do is work because I need the money.
I very much love listening to the older group. Great story tellers. I have always loved listening to them. Just have no energy to do other that what I must do (and barely have energy to do what I must)
Love dogs. But dogs now seem to stay away, also. Not all. Just enough. It was never like that before. Dogs always liked me.
What do I like about myself. What I did like has left me. My nails are now brittle whereupon they were so strong and beautiful people thought they were gel nails.
My figure: gone. Replaced by blub and a big stomach.
Cooking/baking: No time. The stuff I like to do, wh makes comments and says the kids won't like it. They hear him and they don't like it. Im home alone and I forgot how to cook. I used to host dinner parties for friends and now I cannot cook.
Being someone people would come to listen to and for advice (it used to happen...before I moved here)
Good mother?
Yeah, right. I do have them in a good school and football but I don't do things and don't have the energy other mothers have.
Love myself. I was thinking about this last night at at the field. One thought was how do I love myself if I have never been loved? But if I have never been loved, how could I love my kids. I DO love my kids. Still working on this one.
How do I love myself? Thats a real hard one. I know I am valuable just because I breathe because I read that in a book somewhere. I just don't feel it. I know I am not supposed to base my worth on other peoples opinion. Im just not feeling it.
Today, I saw at school one of the people who I feel sort of comfortable around. She said I looked good.
Yes, I got my hair cut yesterday, but I was wearing shorts, old tshirt, chonklas (you guys call them flip flops), no make up and Im 100 lbs over weight. That is not looking good. Maybe she was referring to the hair?
Honestly, everytime I try and do what you suggested (love myself...talk good to myself) there is something that says, no. Its not true. Then there is a message that says I will bring down my kids. I will prevent them from being socially accepted and loved. And it all goes back to my not being accepted or loved by others.
I have to go. Computer time up. 1 hr passed.