"You can survive this. Talk to others that have"

sullymeishadomi posted 9/24/2013 17:48 PM

I know I said I wouldnt bother anyone anymore; that I would go to IC. Not sure when that will happen. Upheval in my office. New boss coming in. This means changes. I have to wait two weeks and see who comes in.

I drop dd and ds off at practise. One of the coaches glare at me. What did I do now? Dunno. But that is not the issue. The issue is bow I feel. I feel like crud. I feel ashamed. I feel like I did something wrong. I feel like I should go back to my corner and stay there.

When I meet people new or already know I expect thrm not to like me. Why? Because im not likable. There is something bad in me. Why do I think that? There are a lot of people who dont like me (and not just due to the a). I try hard to be nice. There must be something I cannot see

Ive tried ignoring other people. Ive tried just pulling in. Lately ive been missing socialization so that is why im bothered by all this.

How can I just let this stuff go? How do I accept things as they are and move on? How do I figure out what it is about me that repells people so I can change it?

jo2love posted 9/24/2013 18:15 PM

(((Sully)))

You are likable. That coach may have been having a bad day. Maybe try a different approach. Have you thought about visiting a senior citizens home with your kids? Spending time with those seniors who are alone. I'm sure they would be happy to meet you, grateful for your kindness, and probably love to tell you stories of their life. I've made some great friends by volunteering at an animal shelter. I started going to give love and donations to the animals. Over time, I got to know some of the people who worked there.

Pentup posted 9/25/2013 07:03 AM

((Sully))
Start loving yourself. All of you. Just as you are. Find joy in you, how you are, what makes you laugh. Stop worrying about what other people think of you, how they look at you, etc.

There is nothing bad about you except for how you talk TO YOURSELF.

The more you like yourself and accept yourself, the less likely you are to think all those negative reactions are for you or about you.

click4it posted 9/25/2013 14:43 PM

(((((SULLY)))))

yep, I know how you feel. I've had what you are describing over the last few weeks - and its not pretty. Its that slump. If you want to PM me, to know you aren't alone, feel free.

nowiknow23 posted 9/25/2013 14:49 PM

When I meet people new or already know I expect thrm not to like me. Why? Because im not likable. There is something bad in me. Why do I think that?

When you have those thoughts, sully, stop and pay attention to the voice that's in your head. Who's voice is that? That negative self-talk starts somewhere, usually from an external source. Is it a parent's voice? A spouse's? Who taught you to see yourself as unlikeable?

((((sully))))

sullymeishadomi posted 9/25/2013 18:12 PM

@nik, who hasnt. Egg donar. Siblings. Extended family. Childhood friends....a lot of people all the way to present. And, no, im not exaggerating one ounce.

These feelings have come and gone throughout my life. Its just lately (last several months), its gotten really bad.

Im off work this week. Yesterday I had my first iep at the new school. The two people from iep, teacher and principal were in attendance (t/j I absolutely love the principal is involved in programs like this...the school last yr, the principal had a gate keeper. He was too "busy"). I tensed up like a 4" thick board. I felt like hiding. I felt like a horrible person. A bad mother.

I dont get why I feel the way I do. Or why after yrs of feeling this way its gotten worse. Worse as in the board feeling I described.worse as in I end up slinking away with my tail between my legs.

Love myself? How?

nowiknow23 posted 9/25/2013 18:37 PM

Start with this - when you talk to yourself, when you play those tapes in your head, pretend you are talking to a little girl. An innocent little girl who is alone and hurting.

Treat yourself with the same kindness you would that child.

((((sully))))

tushnurse posted 9/26/2013 07:58 AM

(((Sully)))

It sucks that you feel this way. There are few things that jump at me when you describe what you are feeling.

1. You have a lot of negative self talk, and a low opinion of yourself. This will result in making you present yourself as someone who isn't likeable, all from the eye contact, to not smiling. When you are around people that are just aquantences they will be stand offish if you don't greet them with a smile, and a genuine intrest in how they are.

2. You tend to turtle up when stressed, and anything that may result in you being looked at more closely makes you stressed. (Have you always been this way to a certain degree? even as a kid?).
You may have some asperger tendencies. Take a self evaluation, there are a ton on line. If that's the case it can be difficult to find your comfort zone in the world.
Full blown, easily diagnosed Aspies tend to be happy with their situation, they just prefer to not socialize, but when you walk the cusp you tend to be uncomfortable, and always worry what others may think. It makes fitting in, and feelin accepted hard.

The reason I bring that up, is that it is possible to get to comfortable. YOU first have to go back to number one. YOU have to love yourself for who you are, you have value, you are a good person, you are worth loving. When you believe this, then you can quit worrying about the rest of the world, and their take of you. As a result you become more relaxed in social settings, and then all the sudden you realize you can have friendly exchanges, you can be comfortable. Because at the end of the day if people don't like you, that's on them. YOU are NOT in control of what other people do or think.

Be happy with your unique self.

((((and strength))))

Pentup posted 9/26/2013 11:46 AM

I agree with Nik. Talk to yourself, like you would talk to your daughter. You would never tell her that she is unlikable. Do it for you and for her, because she is learning how to treat herself based on how you treat you.
I am sorry your family was unkind to you. Tat is a reflection of them, not you!

lynnm1947 posted 9/26/2013 13:00 PM

Sometimes big oaks have to grow from little acorns, Sully. Make a list of the things you like about yourself. Could be as simple as:

What I like about myself

1) My fingernails are strong
2) The way my hair curls around my ear
3) I make a perfect-looking bed
4) My chocolate cake is to-die for

When you have the list, throughout your day take a few minutes to reaffirm your thoughts several times. "My hair curls beautifully around my ear."

If there is the smallest thing you love--or even like--about your body, for instance, look at yourself in the mirror, focus on that body part and repeat, "I love my elbows." Add some more things gradually. "I love how I can instantly get obscure puns." You will get in the habit of loving yourself in part, which can--they say--translate eventually into loving your whole.

Always look at yourself, so you know WHO you are talking to.

TrulyReconciled posted 9/26/2013 14:09 PM

Most of us can handle a little depression from time to time.

However, if you slip below a certain level, it's very hard to bring yourself back up without help.

I suspect you might be below that self-help level. If so, positive self-talk and the like may help, but not enough to boost you back to the point where you can handle these things without taking them so personally.

The issue IS how you feel.

How you feel is shaped by your belief system and also by imbalances in your brain chemistry.

This is why you cannot always 'see' yourself and your situation clearly - depression affects discernment.

Hope that helps

sullymeishadomi posted 9/27/2013 09:28 AM

This is the umpteenth time I have tried to reply.

Now I am at the library (trying to get into a site I couldn't on my phone...fail..bummer). I reread all the replies.

The autism comment is something I have been pondering since ds5 was diagnosed pdd (pervasive developmental disorder nos). Without meeting wh, those who diagnosed ds felt it came from his father. I immediately felt it came from me. Not to take the blame, but things I know about myself.

I do not fit in with people who are considered "normal". Im comfortable with people who are just off center; who are different in looks and views.

I don't mind being in crowds as long as they are cool with me mostly observing.

In school, I spent a lot of time alone in quiet hallways reading (during lunch).

That said, I have never in my life NOT had friends. I do NOT have friends here in NJ. I have two people I sort of feel comfortable with, but there is no socialization. The reason I have no friends is a mix of how I feel and the fact Im not from here (its a very, I don't know what to term it, "townie" location) and then there is the fact Im a bs who interfers etc. (dont want to end up in general or red flagged, so will leave it at that bc its not about what belongs in general, this is about MY feelings and self image, etc).

The more I have the door shut on me socially, the more I feel like there is something wrong with me (like when I found out someone here blocked me, I refused to take responsibility, but honestly, it hit deep). I must be saying the wrong things. Then something pops up that says I have a right to my opinion and Im not a hurtful person. Its a cycle.

Depressed, yep. Without a doubt. There was a post on fb with a big hole. Something about not getting so low on yourself that you end up in the big hole. Too late. There already.

Volunteering: I can barely clean my house and cook. I barely get up in the morning. The only thing I can do is work because I need the money.

I very much love listening to the older group. Great story tellers. I have always loved listening to them. Just have no energy to do other that what I must do (and barely have energy to do what I must)

Love dogs. But dogs now seem to stay away, also. Not all. Just enough. It was never like that before. Dogs always liked me.

What do I like about myself. What I did like has left me. My nails are now brittle whereupon they were so strong and beautiful people thought they were gel nails.

My figure: gone. Replaced by blub and a big stomach.

Cooking/baking: No time. The stuff I like to do, wh makes comments and says the kids won't like it. They hear him and they don't like it. Im home alone and I forgot how to cook. I used to host dinner parties for friends and now I cannot cook.

Being someone people would come to listen to and for advice (it used to happen...before I moved here)

Good mother? Yeah, right. I do have them in a good school and football but I don't do things and don't have the energy other mothers have.

Love myself. I was thinking about this last night at at the field. One thought was how do I love myself if I have never been loved? But if I have never been loved, how could I love my kids. I DO love my kids. Still working on this one.

How do I love myself? Thats a real hard one. I know I am valuable just because I breathe because I read that in a book somewhere. I just don't feel it. I know I am not supposed to base my worth on other peoples opinion. Im just not feeling it.

Today, I saw at school one of the people who I feel sort of comfortable around. She said I looked good. Yes, I got my hair cut yesterday, but I was wearing shorts, old tshirt, chonklas (you guys call them flip flops), no make up and Im 100 lbs over weight. That is not looking good. Maybe she was referring to the hair?

Honestly, everytime I try and do what you suggested (love myself...talk good to myself) there is something that says, no. Its not true. Then there is a message that says I will bring down my kids. I will prevent them from being socially accepted and loved. And it all goes back to my not being accepted or loved by others.

I have to go. Computer time up. 1 hr passed.

tushnurse posted 9/27/2013 09:42 AM

Sully you need to tell that negative thought that comes up after a positive self affirmation to shut the hell up. You aren't going to be able to change this overnight, this is a lifetime of habit to overcome. But you have worth, and your kids deserve a mom that is strong and happy, yah you have been through the wringer, but don't let it define who you are, let it help you define who you are not.
So you don't really fit in, so be it, but you are lonely that is palpable. So the person who said you looked good, what was your response? Wow thanks, I appreciate that, because let me tell ya, today I don't feel it. Or was it just a quick cursory, whatever.

You are going to have to force yourself outside your comfort zone, and let a few of these folks into your life. The next time that lady says something nice, try to say something nice back, and follow it with a I appreciate your kindness, can I take you to lunch, or have you over for lunch? Build from there.

My son who walks the fine line of fitting in, and has a lot of negative self talk, has trouble with this, but the few friends he does have, they are the real deal. These people will be his friends when he is 60. I am grateful that they were able to get past his quirky, stuff, and see him for the funny, intelligent, sweet, kid that he is.

You may want to also consider seeing someone for depression. It sounds like it's got a pretty strong hold right now.

TrulyReconciled posted 9/27/2013 10:45 AM

Depressed, yep. Without a doubt. There was a post on fb with a big hole. Something about not getting so low on yourself that you end up in the big hole. Too late. There already.

Volunteering: I can barely clean my house and cook. I barely get up in the morning. The only thing I can do is work because I need the money

So, since I'm not a mental health professional and can see this so clearly and you recognize it when are you going to get help?

It's clear that you at least need a course of anti-depressants.

They will help you get out of that hole!

TR

[This message edited by TrulyReconciled at 10:46 AM, September 27th (Friday)]

sullymeishadomi posted 9/29/2013 21:08 PM

Ive been doing some thinking. It was speared on by what Tush said about her son (which also applies to me).

To go back, what do I like about myself? Okay, I listed my eye color (hazel green but they also turn sort of blue). I also like the fact im different.

I once watched a movie where a man was walking that last mile in prision and I actually felt that persons fear.

I see beyond the obvious. Well, most times. Sometimes I will sit there and scratch my head (no, I dont have fleas). I believe there are more possibilities than what I am told I should believe or think (and its why now I have very few friends on the playground).

I do my best to respect anothers opinion even if it differs from my own.

I used to pride myself in accepting others for who they are and not judging. But I do judge. I judge people for not accepting me.

I like that im different. I truly do. I think my problem is in trying to find love and acceptance I tried hard to be status quo. But Im not. Thus I come across more strange, or rather, pathetic bc I try to fit in.

Something I dont like about myself is my lack of self confidence which has cause me to appear bitchy and whiney. In reality it was a) give me guidance I dont know what to do or b) confirm for me it wasnt my fault; I wasnt bad or c) confirm for me the person did hurt me so I dont feel bad for being hurt or angry. Today I worked hard on letting go of something that happened. Still analysing it for a future better response bc it will happen again in some form.

Will self acceptance stop me from being lonely? Maybe not. But it will help me.

Have to end there bc im exaughsted.

sisoon posted 9/30/2013 10:45 AM

sully, These are thoughts that are much more easily fixed with help than alone, and IC is the usual venue for that sort of help.

I understand resisting IC, but really, how does a new boss keep you from making an appointment and maybe even starting IC? Just make the calls you need to make.

You're not that different from everybody else. You really are a full-fledged human being. You're just different enough.

(((sullymeishadomi)))

sullymeishadomi posted 9/30/2013 11:30 AM

Sisson, we are a small office. I have been off work for a week vacation and my being there is a mess. Its the same if someone else takes off.

My hours are not set in stone. They are controlled by my boss. I had one who would force me to cancel my dr's appts to go cover another office. Our HR doesnt help in situations such as this and the union...ive been told "I cant help you".

I have to keep my fingers crossed this new person is a good one person, someone not on a power trip. Someone who will give me a long lunch 2x a week (I have another obligation also) or I can find somene closer with hours more flexible to mine.

Eta: its meds im against, not ic.

[This message edited by sullymeishadomi at 11:33 AM, September 30th (Monday)]

tushnurse posted 9/30/2013 14:58 PM

I'm hearing you Sully and it's fine to be different. Hell I'm an oddball. But finding a comfort level with taht is important. When you are happy with who you are, it makes it whole lot easier to blow off the folks that don't want to talk to you becasue you are the different person. And LIKE you I don't have many friends on the playground, but the ones I do have love me for who I am.
Just keep telling yourself, if people judge you for who you are, and choose to not like you that's on them, not you. That's their issue, their self esteem, social acceptance crap that keeps them from being comfortable having a friend that is different, and quite cool.

As far as IC goes you should make some calls many have evening hours. Not all of us have the option to leave work early, go in late, or whatever. Also check to see if your employer has an EAP type program, where you can set up IC through them.

I get not wanting meds too. HOWEVER - I do believe for some people depression is truly organic, and there is a chemical imbalance that happens, and medications can help restore that balance. Some people truly need that to get balance back.

I also think depressed behavior leads to more depressed behavior, and forcing yourself to do exercise, eat right, and be social can help with all of it. Set a weekly goal for yourself that you are going to speak with one random person, and really talk to them, from the cashier at the grocery, to someon who comes into your work. You will suddenly find it becomes easier, and you have to do the same with exercise, and diet. Soon you are feeling better about who you are.

TrulyReconciled posted 9/30/2013 15:21 PM

If you won't consider meds then:

(1) make sure you are getting good sources of Omega-3

(2) exercise daily