"You can survive this. Talk to others that have"

OptimisticWife posted 9/24/2013 18:10 PM

This morning my H and I were laying in bed. H gets a call from co-worker. She is only one of two females that work at his site. She has already had relationships with 2 other men that work with H.
Now, she's calling my H all distressed because she feels like she's being "played" again by another guy. I could hear the call. She told H she didn't know why she was telling him about her latest situation but she just felt like she has no one else to turn to at work for support

She was surprised to find out H has the rest of the week off (as do I) and wasn't at work. She then told him she had to go. Seemed to me she was looking for H to go offer her support in person.

About an hour later she text messages my H asking him what it is about her that she keeps getting played. Asked him if she's that naive etc

H see that I am upset but tells me that he's just been helping her out

He said that he was there for her to talk to and offer advice to during her relationships with other 2 co-workers. He said she's just asking him a question now and he can't really see the big deal because he knows nothing is going on. Did I say yet!

I believe that he hasn't crossed the A line but I do believe he has crossed some boundaries.

Fist of all, I never knew he had this type of friendship with his co-worker. One where she feels its appropriate to talk to him about her relationship troubles.

Secondly, that type of friendship is in no way appropriate given the fact that H's AP was also a damsel in distress.

He feels like he was just being a friend to her. I explained the whole kisa scenario for him since he obviously just doesn't get it. He doesn't want to upset me or hurt me. He said he acknowledges his co-workers issues are not his problems to solve. He's asked me how I want him to reply.

I'm just upset that he has to ask me what to do. I'm scared about the fact that he couldn't see this as inappropriate. Am I over reacting?

SisterMilkshake posted 9/24/2013 18:16 PM

Am I over reacting?

No! First of all, he had an affair. No "friendships" with the opposite sex.

He's asked me how I want him to reply.

Did he reply? Did you help him with his reply?

Have you both read "Not Just Friends"?

StillGoing posted 9/24/2013 18:22 PM

About an hour later she text messages my H asking him what it is about her that she keeps getting played. Asked him if she's that naive etc

His answer should be "Because you're a fucking idiot who keeps asking guys for advice about being played by guys. Call your mom."

Her personal life isn't his responsibility and he is flat out failing you - and her - if he is doing anything other than steering her to a more appropriate source of support. If he was actually concerned about helping her he'd find an appropriate way to do so that wasn't concerned with fucking up his personal relationship with her.

Rebreather posted 9/24/2013 18:23 PM

Ack! No no no!!!

He is totally out of line and in need of a massive boundary reset.

He needs to tell her, "I am sorry but it really isn't my place to discuss these things with you. Good luck." and then DO IT.

LA44 posted 9/24/2013 18:53 PM

((OW)) Absolutely what Rebreather said and this from StillGoing...

Call your mom."

Perfection!

TimeToManUp posted 9/24/2013 18:54 PM

"I'm sorry, but as a married man I find that discussing your relationship issues with you is inappropriate, and quite frankly makes me feel uncomfortable. Please refrain from such topics of conversation in the future. Thank you for your consideration."

A little wordy, yes I know. But I once had to say something similar to a coworker whose messages were not necessarily inappropriate, but in light of my A were perhaps a little too friendly? I know that it can work. You know what response I got? "Oh, I'm so sorry. I'll keep things more professional in the future." And she did. Never an issue again.

If she has any self-respect or morals, this woman would respond similarly. If she gets indignant or otherwise uppity, I would suspect she is the attention-loving drama queen you fear.

The fact that your WS doesn't see this woman's contact being a problem would be troubling to me.

Simple posted 9/24/2013 18:57 PM

One of the boundaries I imposed with my FWH is no women friends unless I "ok'd" them or they are family friends or wives of friends that I know already about.

Impose this rule cause obviously, he gets emotionally involved with them.

SpiderGrl posted 9/24/2013 20:51 PM

HUGS for you, Optimistic.

My h's ea has solidified that there will be no more "friendships" for him and any other woman. I don't care who she is. I don't have true friendships with men other than high level, "how are you doing", "you have a beautiful family", etc. I would NEVER - unlike my H - go out to lunch alone with another guy unless it was a work function and in a case like the texts, if *I* were the WW, I would run SCREAMING from that kind of communication if I wanted to keep my family. The really ironically funny thing, I believe, is that if I had pulled this garbage with my H, he would have left and never looked back.

sailorgirl posted 9/24/2013 20:59 PM

This is how fWH's affair started. A coworker started sharing her relationship problems. Then she was so hurt when her fiancé left her and he was the only one who cared. Soon she was asking, "Am I so unloveable?" Fishing for compliments, asking advice because fWH was such a strong, wise man . . .

Here's what I wish he had said:
You need to talk to your girlfriends or a therapist about this, not me.

Then she would say:
But I thought you were my friend!

WH answer:
We're work colleagues, not friends. It would be unprofessional and weird for us to be talking about your sex life.

[This message edited by sailorgirl at 8:37 AM, September 25th (Wednesday)]

bionicgal posted 9/24/2013 21:15 PM

Yup - totally unacceptable and dangerous.

OptimisticWife posted 9/24/2013 23:33 PM

Thank you for your replies. You have all confirmed that my feelings and thoughts are valid and justified.

I asked H to read this thread. He did.
I asked him if it helped him understand why the call and message upset me. It helped.
I asked if it helped him realize what he needs to do next. He said yes.

I tried to talk more about it. He has a headache and isn't I'm the mood to talk

I asked him if he were at work, would he have gone to her and spoken to her in person. He said he most likely would have.

He still hasn't replied to his co-worker. It's early afternoon here. He feels as though he's done nothing wrong. He understands that I'm upset but doesn't understand that his lack of action or desire to talk this out is pissing me off more and more by the minute.

He's been napping in front of the tv on and off most the day. I don't want to always give him the "instructions" on how to handle situations like this. I want him to get it. Figure it out or initiate discussion so we can work on the issue together. He knows when I stew on things that I eventually explode but yet he's still showing zero interest in resolving this cos to him, it's not an issue

OptimisticWife posted 9/24/2013 23:40 PM

SisterMilkshake, I started reading NJF but decided I'd rather read it with my H. Only problem is we have to finish How to help your spouse heal first. I have read it. Asked him to read is back in January. We've read most of it together but again, I have to initiate even though I have repetitively told him it's important to me for him to initiate the reading too. I've been waiting a few months for him to bring it up again. I know I have to ask for what I want but it just seems so one sided lately

OptimisticWife posted 9/25/2013 06:06 AM

He finally did text her back after I told him I'm upset about him not setting boundaries and putting a stop to it sooner rather than later.

He went and wrote the message, sent it and then showed me after it was sent.

Now I feel super petty cos the message doesn't seem good enough. I felt like he didn't clearly set a boundary.

He said something along the lines of, sorry for the late reply. I don't really know what to say about what you asked me. I don't really think I'm the right person to ask since I don't know anything about your personal life outside of work.

She just replied "hey (WH nickname). Ok. Thanks".

I don't think she will but she could take that as an invitation to get to know each other outside of work.
It was as though he felt bad about being direct and setting a firm boundary. This woman has a new job and will be leaving soon. I don't really think she is a threat to R. What I believe the threat to be is that my H doesn't understand the need for firm boundaries. I don't think my feelings would have been a priority to him in this case if he happened to have been at work today. He doesn't understand that if its going to hurt me or make me feel unsafe, he shouldn't go there and he should not apologize for not being there for another woman. It has made me feel like he still would put another woman's sob story above my mental health and well being. It's as though he's so sure of the fact that he will never cheat again that he feels he doesn't have to reassure me. He just keeps telling me I don't need to worry. Yeah like that's gonna help..I've heard that bullshit before.

Sorry for rambling on. I just don't know who else to talk to. IC is a month away as our IC is almost impossible to get appointments with.

I don't want to argue with my H over this but he just doesn't get the importantance of it. We're suppose to be enjoying family time with the kids. Instead I've been keeping to myself and depressed all day reliving the heartache of his betrayal. I hate the world today

soconfusednow posted 9/26/2013 15:15 PM

Now I feel super petty cos the message doesn't seem good enough. I felt like he didn't clearly set a boundary.

I don't blame you I'd feel the same way.

My WH called the OW while I was sleeping to say "it's over" When I said I wanted to see a text sent he grudgingly sent one. But it didn't say "it's over" it said "I'm going to work on my marriage." I wish I would have heard the first call. Him doing it privately makes me wonder if he warned her a text might be coming.

It wasn't over

[This message edited by soconfusednow at 3:18 PM, September 26th (Thursday)]

kickboxer posted 9/26/2013 15:33 PM

OMGOSH!

I'd be a fuming lunatic.

Not petty at all...he should have let you compose the entire reply to begin with.

She's fishing for her next ego boost -- the other ones have run their course, and she's on the prowl.

Watch that one closely...very, very closely.