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Your son did this!

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npfahl posted 9/24/2013 18:13 PM

So it's been 11 days since D-day. Hurting so badly. My entire family knows what he did and are hurting as well. Some are being supportive and positive, and some are just down right pissed. Probably because they love me so much and are also feeling my pain. My H has not told anyone in his family yet and is probably wishing that they will never know, as he and his family are always very good at pretending things are okay when they are really not. They almost pride themselves on portraying life is good when it is not. I admire that in a way, but I was not raised that way. We wear our hearts on our sleeves. Tonight I had to face his parents for the first time since D-day at my son's football game (after missing my father-in-laws Birthday cause I couldn't get out of bed) It was soooo hard to even get dressed to go to the game let alone pretend things are okay. His mom looked at me at one point (probably cause I look like hell) and asked if I was okay and if there was anything I needed to talk about. I told her that I was not okay and that my H can tell her why when he is ready. I hate that this is going to hurt them, however, I don't think it's fair that I should have to pretend that I am not in hell every time I am around his family in order to protect his image and how they have always seen their son. My family is hurting and answering my phone calls in the middle of the night .... NOT his family! My sisters cry with me. I feel he needs to tell them. This is a family thing in my opinion and we need everyone's support and prayers for this marriage to heal and work. Why should it just be my side of the family that is hurting when HE did this!?!?!

Merlin posted 9/24/2013 18:20 PM

You are on the high road so far. You held back in favor of allowing your WH talk to his family. That's a good thing.

If they are close, his mother will almost certainly ask him about your conversation with her. He either will or will not begin the process of revealing his infidelity.

Whether you understand it or not, you showed both great strength and grace when many would have chosen another path. Please understand how admirable that Is and the good things this says about you, especially in such awful circumstances.

[This message edited by Merlin at 6:39 PM, September 24th (Tuesday)]

Gemini71 posted 9/24/2013 23:05 PM

You handled this perfectly, with complete honesty and discretion. That's a hard balancing act.

I was there when my WH told his parents the first half of his story. I was still the supportive wife giving the gift of R. It was a difficult conversation for everyone, and I can't imagine the pain and disappointment his parents must have felt. My MIL told WH "We will always love you, even if we don't love your behavior."

When D-Day #2 came around, and I found my deal breaker, I felt the need to explain my changed attitude to my ILs. It was a hard and awkward conversation and I only outlined the broad strokes of what happened. It's my now STBXH's responsibility to fill in the rest, unless they ask me questions directly.

This whole situation is painful for everyone involved. The truth will get back to your ILs eventually. It is best if your WS tells them sooner rather than later.

MJane posted 9/25/2013 02:23 AM

Npfahl my H had organised for his mother to stay same weekend after DDay and didn't want to cancel it. I lasted an hour of polite conversation and then told short version of story. While i was disappointed by the response I really should have expected it. I was told they loved me like a daughter but the reality is they all bury heads in sand and while she told him she was "disappointed" an hour later they were laughing over a tea. Since then she has not contacted me once (we spoke every week and she saw how painful I have been finding this - so much for being a "daughter"). My H has not been returning her calls to his mobile. Whatever happens with us I realise I won't ever have the same relationship with the ILs - I totally get "loyalty" but I don't get the way they gloss over problems in their family (his brother had an affair and wife divorced him before I met my H - my MIL actually said to me she was having the same conversation that other daughter in law "ignored" that we should stay together for sake of our to nothing said about 19 months of deep deceit - like I should get over it...I am realising where my H gets his inability to deal with problems head on. Anyway, just to say I am so glad you have a loving supporting family and don't be disappointed if the ILs don't react the way you expect as people are unpredictable. I am sad that my MIL who I was very close to hasn't once picked up the phone just to check I am ok but blood really is deeper than water in our case it seems...

cluless posted 9/25/2013 11:48 AM

I guess I don't have any restraint at all. I had been talking to my MIL about our problems for a long time. She knew he was acting horribly to all of us.

I IM her just bits and pieces but when I called her and told her what REALLY happened, I heard her crying and all she could say is "I'm sorry dear." She was in shock, she was so ashamed of his behavior and just made herself available to me at any time.

My family is all gone, I talk to a couple of people about this, but I think our whole circle of friends know. Such a tough situation to be in, and I'm really sorry you are going through this

heartache101 posted 9/25/2013 11:54 AM

I told his mother she did a shitty job raising a son!
I did! So you did much better then me! I blame HIS family for HIS issues from childhood FOO issues yadayada
You did great and he needs to tell them all the truth! He needs to learn to be accountable for his actions.

dawnmarie posted 9/25/2013 20:41 PM

So sorry you are going through this. I think some people just don't know how to deal with what we all are going through. I never truly understood either until it wrecked me to the core. I will say my MIL was and still is amazing. She was so disappointed in her son and let him know it. She told him he better get it together and do what it takes to fix this or he would regret it for the rest of his life....that gave me a tag line!! Anyway, for about a year or so after, she would ask me how I was doing, never how "we" were doing, but she wanted to know if I was okay and if he was doing all he could to help me. She still checks on me every once in a while, but I think as she sees us doing better, she just tells me how happy she is that we are doing better. She was once a BS so she got it, again, many people don't. I will say for a cold as they can seem, I'm happy they don't; no one should have to know this kind of pain.

[This message edited by dawnmarie at 8:43 PM, September 25th (Wednesday)]

Landoes posted 9/26/2013 13:31 PM

Oh my. Im in a sticky place now too. My MIL just told me to "let it go"
I almost kicked her out of my apartment. She's here visiting because we had our first baby (paternity test pending) and we have been doing somewhat well in our R until this happened.
The balls on the MIL to even say this when it was HER daughter who caused all this.

MJane posted 9/26/2013 13:44 PM

Landoes total rug-sweeping -like my MIL - it is as if they can't accept the serious nature of their son/daughter's actions...preaching to get on with it so they can keep sticking neck in sand. I decided to write to mine today (almost three weeks have passed since she came to stay and I have heard nothing from her - she typically calls two or three times a week and sends mails about her grandson) sent her a photo, said I meant what I said about her being welcome in my home whatever happens and said I was very said she hadn't contacted me knowing the pain that her son's actions had caused me. I needed to say it...stick her head in the sand all she likes she is going to hear that her has caused me more pain than anyone else on this planet - pain intentionally inflicted by his choice.

Landoes posted 9/26/2013 14:00 PM


Absolutely. I feel she has been trying to rug sweep this. Blaming me for being in a bad mood yesterday when I triggered pretty hard.
The kicker to all this is my MIL met her current husband (Father of my WGF) while she was married. I told the MIL that because she told this to her daughter, it made it OK to cheat if you're going through a tough spot in a relationship.
We've been butting heads all week and this was the final straw.
She was thinking of coming here for THREE months in Jan. I told her about 30min ago that she was not welcome in my apartment. I used to get along so wonderfully with her mother too, better than my mom at times. But, this ruined it.

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