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It doesn't define me anymore

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ShellShockedSid posted 9/24/2013 18:49 PM

I am writing an attempt to give a glimmer of hope to those of you close to dday.

Yesterday, I had a revelation. My husband's affair does not define me. I don't think of myself as a BW anymore, and I don't think of him as FWH anymore. I am just a wife and he is just a husband.

I honestly never thought I'd feel this way. I never thought I could think of the past with out OW's memory tainting every little thing that happened in the years of his LTA. But that is his past, not mine.

Since Dday, I've come along way, and accomplished a lot. Thru the things I learned on this site, with the support of one dear friend who knows what happened, and thru dogged determination, I am a better person than I was before that awful day. Since then, I have earned respect at work thru working hard on difficult projects, I've gotten 3 significant pay increases in a very difficult economic climate in our industry. I joined the board of a brand new nonprofit organization, worked hard to get it off the ground, and I'm currently board president. I have renewed relationships with distant family members. AND - I have learned how to forgive--- something I never did before. My mother has been dead for over 20 years, but I hadn't forgiven her for my perceived injustices. I have forgiven her, and I have forgiven my husband.

I have come a very long way in the past 3 1/2 years. His affair does not not define me. I define me. And it is a huge relief!

LosferWords posted 9/24/2013 19:02 PM

What an awesome update!

Thanks for sharing this message of hope.

Ambergray posted 9/24/2013 19:09 PM

What an encouragement this is to read! I am only a few months out from dday, so things are still fresh. Sometimes I can see glimpses of what the future could be like. I am hopeful, and stories like yours surely help. You should be so proud of yourself!

topperoff22 posted 9/24/2013 19:11 PM

Beautiful post. It is almost at the two month mark for me...I have a long way to go but this was encouraging for sure!

torn2pieces posted 9/24/2013 21:02 PM

Wow..good for you to find yourself again!

lucy17 posted 9/24/2013 21:24 PM

Thanks so much for posting! I'm glad all of your hard work paid off in so many ways.

Edie posted 9/25/2013 03:35 AM

Thanks Sid,

Me too. What does define me as result is my strength as a 'survivor' - character-affirming and building it has been.

We've been through tricky times in recent months - husband has been a tower of strength and support. We are both better people.

crossroads2010 posted 9/25/2013 04:25 AM

SSS...you definately have a glass half full view of things...way to go!

I am 4 years out and I don't think I am quite where you are yet, but so many things in my life were negatively affected by the A...career and family, etc... I am surprised and greatful that things are now on the upswing in my life.
My latest revelation came last week as I hiked on a trail...I forgave myself for what I percieved to be my part in the downfall of my world...just hit me out of the blue...and I stopped to think about how things could be worse.Thanks for the words of hope!

OptimisticWife posted 9/25/2013 08:09 AM

That's awesome! Very happy for you.
Thank you for giving me hope

neverdidithink posted 9/25/2013 08:11 AM

What an inspiring post, SSS. Thanks for sharing, it's the perfect way to start my day today.

catlover50 posted 9/25/2013 09:31 AM

Fantastic! You sound like you are doing great.

ShellShockedSid posted 9/25/2013 18:51 PM

Thanks all. I know that every day isn't going to be great, but I know that I don't feel like my screen name--shell shocked anymore. I feel like just plain ole Sid. And I like Sid.

Like you said, Crossroads, we are survivors. We have been to hell, and came back.

One other side effect of all this-- I am afraid of almost nothing. I used to be pretty phobic-- hated heights, spiders made me scream, glass elevators were nearly impossible, public speaking was downright terrifying, etc. Now, none of those things bother me anymore. Not much left to be scared of when I've been thru the worst. Ok-- I'm still not a big fan of bugs, but the others, I'm good with. :)

So, newbies...hang on. It will be an awful bumpy ride, but the sun will come out again.

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