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the truth - at last

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englishrose posted 9/24/2013 19:04 PM

fWH has told the truth.

He has admitted that he had had sex with fOW.

I finally got to the point where I was about to walk out the door, taking DS with me. I was quiet, calm, resigned to the fate of D - completely drained of energy with which to question and cajole.

At last, after two and a half years of my questioning,& relentless tripping him up on his lies, (I have a v.good memory)- (he doesn't) OR, and this is far more likely, he had lied so much, so many times and for so long that he'd forgotten what he said/when he said it.

He was tied up in knots tbh, he didn't and couldn't find a way to turn anymore.

My questioning has been relentless, sometimes i'd not mention it for a little while, but I always returned to the same question(S), and especially this one.

Whilst making lunch on Saturday I asked;

'how many times did you do it with her?'

he said, 'I can't remember exactly' -

so I said 'approximately then'.

His response - 'about 10'.

I didn't argue or question him further, I know that the A started during Feb'11 and ended during May '11, so about 10 times seems feasible.

It all seems a bit of an anti-climax in a way tbh, 'cause I KNEW that they had been at it, but it was so important for me (and him) that HE told me himself.

I'm feeling better, and fWH seems like he's had a tonne lifted from his shoulders already.

just a pity it took him so long

[This message edited by englishrose at 7:15 PM, September 24th (Tuesday)]

IGaveItMyAll posted 9/24/2013 19:30 PM

Glad you finally got the truth. Sorry it took him so long. But at least you can move forward knowing your gut never lies lol.

rachelc posted 9/24/2013 19:33 PM

Englishrose, gently, are you sure you want to recover with someone you have to trick to get the truth out of? What an incredible burden...,

Hugs to you! I am glad you have it!!

englishrose posted 9/24/2013 20:18 PM


I don't know, I've asked myself the same question over and over.
this was one of the things I told him the other day; that I didn't want to be with or share my life with someone who lies to much, so many times,...and for so long.

he said that he was scared to tell me, because he thought/knew that it (me knowing what he'd been up to) would hurt me more.

Strangely tho, when it came to it, it was so casual. We were both in the kitchen, starting to prepare lunch. No tears, no shouting,- we both were calm and quiet,it was straightforward. There wasn't and hasn't been a finale of any sort.


indeed, my gut has guided me all along, I had a few hard facts, not many tho, it's been almost 100% down to what my gut was telling me, and it's been right -on the dot in fact,each.and.every.step.of.the.way.

englishrose posted 9/24/2013 20:45 PM

imo he knew that he would come to the end of his lying. he has known this for awhile.

Things had changed. I've changed. you know when you're spent, when you've given your all to someone or something. I had reached that point, and he knew that I had.

Thus, he knew that I wasn't going to waste any more of my life waiting for him to do the right thing.

I had begun to gather mine and DS's stuff to take with us on Saturday. I had reached that point where I knew I would eventually reach had he continued to deny the truth. It had been a long time coming, but I recognised it the moment it arrived.

I just told him calmly and quietly that I couldn't do this any more, that I'd tried so v.hard for us, for DS for 2.5 years and that now, enough is enough.

boontje posted 9/24/2013 21:16 PM

Englishrose, I know you must be relieved to finally have the truth. I know I was when I finally got it, after two years of false R. Something you said hit home with me, that your H didn't want to tell you the truth because it would hurt you more. I hope you aren't believing this. He was hurting you all along while he was lying to you, keeping the truth you so desperately wanted. My H said the same thing to me. I believed it for about one day, until my senses kicked in and I realized that the only person he was protecting by lying was himself. HE didn't want to face himself, and the ugly truth of what he did and was doing to me. Your H needs to be honest with himself, and you need to continue to look out for yourself and your little one. Take care.((er))

englishrose posted 9/24/2013 22:15 PM


yes, I understand that. He was and is protecting himself from seeing and knowing what he is/what he's done - he doesn't like what he sees, so if he denies it/lies long and hard enough, then he can 'believe' that he's an okay guy.

Also, he doesn't like having to address the consequences of his actions. it's as if, in some strange way, he feels that he's entitled; he's allowed to behave like a complete twonk and no-one's allowed to complain or hold him to account. If someone (me in particular) says, hey hold on a minute...i'm not putting up with xyz...lies...crappy, hurtful behaviour, etc etc. His response is that i'm getting at him, or wanting trouble and wanting to cause upset. wtf's he on???

I've wised up a lot and am much stronger than I've been during the past couple of years. I've started to look to the future, for me and my youngest DS mainly. My two eldest boys are grown and have left home.

My ducks are beginning to line up nicely.

BIZZYBEEZ posted 9/25/2013 00:10 AM

Glad you finally got the truth. I too finally got the whole truth after 11 months. When I asked why he didn't tell me on DD he said he didn't want to hurt me more. I called BS on the spot. Told him it wasn't me he was protecting it was him. It was anti climatic for me as well. I knew the truth I just wanted to hear him say it. It was nothing horrible just details he said he "forgot"

OnAnIsland posted 9/25/2013 00:50 AM

They think they are protecting us, but they are protecting themselves. You see all this. You sound like you are grounded, and know what you need. Now that you know what happened, you know what you need to accept, and can figure out how to move forward.

Keep watching out for yourself and your little one. Watch your husband's actions, and see if they line up with the life you want.

Your final question that elicited the truth was perfect. I have training as a qualitative researcher and interviewer, and that is the kind of question that I use to elicit the truth on stigmatized behaviors. All you folks out there facing TT, try lots of casual, matter of fact variations- when was the last time you did x, how many times did you do x, when you did x at her house did you use a condom, etc. even when they haven't admitted to x because sometimes the specificity and calmness of the question can catch even a professional TTer off guard.

End T/J

[This message edited by OnAnIsland at 12:51 AM, September 25th (Wednesday)]

Simple posted 9/25/2013 12:06 PM

Strangely tho, when it came to it, it was so casual.

Just want to add to OnAnIsland, most FWS tests the waters to see our reaction on the truth when they tell it to you. You'll notice how they watch you intently when they say the truth and if you are casual and not shout, etc. It makes it and open environment for them to tell all. My own FWH TT in the beginning and he knows that I know that he's not telling all. He said later on he was feeling his way so he said the truth in series. He also said this is how he also accepts what he's done and if he tells me it makes it so real to him and he couldn't believe what he did it's hard to admit. Again this is from a FWH intent on working on M not someone who's still in the fog.

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