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Do you know who your ex or soon-to-be-ex has in your kids' lives

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Nature_Girl posted 9/24/2013 19:19 PM

My present dilemma regarding the mystery man who is paying too much attention to my kids has me wondering. Do you know who your ex or STBX has in your children's lives? Or am I the only one here out of forty-thousand members who has to deal with this level of secrecy?

I think I should know who my STBX has around the kids. These men he lives with, they see my kids regularly. I don't even know these men's names. I think I should.

Do you think I should?

Is it normal for one parent to have no clue at all about the other people in your children's lives? Or am I once again looking at the short end of the stick?

AussieMum posted 9/24/2013 19:25 PM

I hear you. Similar situation here, but STBX tells me it's none of my business who is around the children when they're with him.

Before he moved in with OW3 he was sharing a house with his alcoholic mate - I worried myself sick every time my kids stayed there, esp as STBX would sleep in a room downstairs and the kids would sleep upstairs in a room next to his friend. Yet there was nothing I could say or do unless the kids were in immediate danger.

He also wants DD (7) to have sleepovers at OW's family members' houses without him being present. I don't know these people at all. It sucks. It all sucks.

Just wanted you to know I understand the frustration and worry.

peridot posted 9/24/2013 19:57 PM

Yes, my XH did this and there was not a damn thing I could do. Some of the people he hung out with were also criminals, as was OW and her family.

I think every parent should be able to know who their kids are around.

ruinedandbroken posted 9/24/2013 20:01 PM

Yup. Right there with you. I don't know the idiots he brings them around. Makes me sick.

PurpleRose posted 9/24/2013 20:26 PM

You are not the only one. I have no clue who the Dooosh is living with- his roommate could be a serial killer for all I know. It's bad enough that he has finally introduced the whore to my son... Like I really want THAT pillar of morality and truth around my kid???

Yet another bite of the shit sandwich we must choke down...

tesla posted 9/24/2013 21:40 PM

Nope. No idea who Teslet is around when he's at ex-shat's.

ChoosingHope posted 9/24/2013 21:48 PM

As you know, I've managed to keep the kids with me - no overnights for two years, and most visitation revolving around the marital home. STBX lived with OW for nearly 1 1/2 years but never introduced the children to her.

I have been lucky so far. But once the D is over, I know that I won't be able to control it anymore. I will have to depend on STBX's notoriously poor judgement. This is why I'm fighting so hard right now.

Also, when I move out of the marital home, I know I'll lose control over where he brings the children and who they meet. I can only pray that my children will be old enough to understand danger, open enough to talk to me about anything that scares them, and brave enough to defend themselves. That's a lot to expect from children.

SBB posted 9/25/2013 05:17 AM

I have no idea who the sad clown has around the girls.

TBH I wouldn't want to tell him every single person I have around my girls either.

But if he had flatmates or people staying over/hanging out regularly I'd want to know their names so I could do background checks.

This 40 y/o loser thinks he is in his 20's again so has taken up 'recreational' drugs with gusto. I can't even let myself think about the kind of scumbags hanging out with my kids. I would send myself crazy.

So, instead I sit and wait and listen to what my girls tell me and I watch their body language and behaviours. You have cause to be far more diligent than I need to be.

EvenKeel posted 9/25/2013 07:24 AM

You are not ex has told my kids to lie to me because:
"It is none of her business what I am doing...this is MY time when you are with me...."

Silly me - just wanted a phone number of where they were going on vacation.

He had them lie about his GF as well. He is such an idiot, it was only a matter of hours before someone called and say "Ex is walking around the fair with your kids holding some lady's hand...."

Small town USA

He has never told me anything about her nor introduced us when we were literally face to face in my driveway.

All I know has came from the grapevine (which seems to be very thorough).

So unfortunately, I think what you are experiencing is normal. My friend had the same issue, her Ex was living with 2-3 other men (one was from a halfway house) and she couldn't do squat to keep her little DD from going there for her weekend visitations.

TrustGone posted 9/25/2013 10:53 AM

Unfortunately that is what D does. It takes away your ability to control what goes on in your children's lives and who they are around. I know my XWH#1's first GF after we were divorced he met at an AA meeting and she comes to my son's open house at school for meet the teacher night. There have been a few other's since her and he would even send them to pick up my son for visitation without him even being there. Unfortunately there is little that you can do about it without causing a sceen in front of the kids. He taught my son to lie to me and not to say anything about what went on when he was with him. He also taught him to disrespect me and WH#2 and told him he didn't have to listen to us. It is a shame that the children are the ones that truely suffer when their parents D and if you were married to a NPD it is a whole other hell in itself.

dindy posted 9/25/2013 11:38 AM

I'm hoping that I can trust ex to be a decent father to my children when he has them at weekends.

I don't care for who he has around them as long as they are emotionally healthy individuals.

We did discuss that when the time comes to introducing them to a new partner that we would give each other a heads up so that we can be open to the children about it. We also agreed that it would need to be very serious to introduce the children to them.

So I'm hoping he's not got messed up ladies, or men, around them.

Clearview posted 9/25/2013 12:18 PM
The US Dept of Justice database can be searched by zipcode, which should narrow things down quite a bit.
The above link leads to state registries.

Hope it helps :)

(ETA - Oops, I meant to post this in the creepy cake baker thread)

[This message edited by Clearview at 12:20 PM, September 25th (Wednesday)]

chikastuff posted 9/25/2013 14:54 PM

No. I have no idea, really. The saving grace is that my ex has very few friends. However, some of you may remember the issue with XWH's SO and them refusing to provide me with her name. We went around and around for three months and almost went to court over it. She conveniently bought a new car and registered it in our state, so a good cop friend of mine ran her plate and gave me her name and info. A business owner friend of mine then ran a background check. Luckily she came out clean. But what a fucking mess that was.

Regardless of what anyone tells you, you are within your rights as their mother to ask and be told who is living with your husband and there while the kids are there. It's also within your right to run a background check on them. Luckily I was able to get the info I needed on my own, but I wouldn't have hesitated to get a PI involved if I needed to.


wannabenormal posted 9/25/2013 19:29 PM

I do know who's in their lives; it's OW and while I don't know her per se, I know she's decent to them (even pleasant apparently) but that's all. They don't seem to have friends or anything. There are rare trips to see her family (like an aunt or something that lives within distance of a once or twice a year visit) but that's it.

I do think it's odd to have all these 'people' that kids know and the other parents don't. I mean, I'm sure they're mostly nice enough or whatever, but I've found it strange with my own kids - them having this 'other life' where I know nothing about the other people.

I guess I'm lucky that XH isn't a total FT and doesn't hang with FT's (exception being OW, hee hee...) but people who seem normal and nice enough.

I would hate it if there actually were questionable characters/behaviors.

I don't envy that at all! My sister's XH is a turd, as are most of his friends and junk. She's like here's what happened THIS time and it's usually gross, but thankfully not horrific. Isn't that awesome?! We're GLAD it wasn't a horrible thing?!

k8la posted 9/26/2013 06:10 AM

NG - what I'm going to suggest, I say with a caution flag - there are risks to doing this.

Do you have a friend who works in television or print news who can refer you to a family crimes reporter?

If you do, this may be a route you want to take.

With all of the evidence that was suppressed at your divorce trial, you could take that to this investigative reporter, and let them substantiate his behavior, and do the background checks on the man living with your X.

This very question about how the courts are doing NOTHING to prevent a crime against your children, and in fact, will do nothing, in spite of evidence that you have... This is newsworthy stuff.

If your identity can be protected in the final story, you may gain enough leverage with law enforcement and the court system to get supervised visitation at the least - and at the most, put your husband away for a very long time.

There are so many crimes you have evidence of that they could expose...

Just saying, you may want to explore this route to protect your children.

edit to better articulate least and most

[This message edited by k8la at 6:12 AM, September 26th (Thursday)]

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