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Avagabor posted 9/24/2013 19:54 PM

I've been reading tons of posts trying to find a situation that is similar to mine but haven't yet so I decided to post my story and get some feedback and advice. While my story isn't as bad as most I've read I still feel traumatized.

My BF and I have been together for 7 years and have a DS12 (mine from prior relationship), DS5, and DS4. Our relationship hasn't always been easy. We went through severe stress several years ago with DS12 who has severe autism and was very violent. He was my rock through that time and I don't know what I would have done without him. Over the years our sex life has suffered due to the normal issues of being too busy or tired and my sex drive was severely depressed by my iud.
The past year or so I felt like our relationship was getting so much better, I've gotten better at managing finances (a major point of arguments), and we were really happy. Or so I thought.

The 2nd week of july I noticed I hadn't seen his phone for a while. Usually he just leaves it anywhere. He also had been on this exercise kick and had bought a bicycle and been riding to work. I thought it was great and it had a positive influence on me, i joined weight watchers and started walking and exercising. So after a few days of not seeing his phone I just had this weird feeling something was wrong. I had NEVER had any suspicions before this. I had always trusted him completely. No issue with him watching porn sometimes ( hell, I'd even watch it with him sometimes), he went to a strip club with his friend for his birthday last summer and I even gave him money to go. I trusted him blindly.

So I start getting sneaky and looking for his phone everywhere. Even in the trunk of his car after he went to sleep. This went on for about a week. Then one night he left it beside the bed and I checked it. Nothing on there. I thought I was just being stupid. The next night he left it out again. After he went to sleep I got up and took it in another room to snoop. Imagine my heartbreak when I found texts from a girl that works at his company. He had them under his friends name. They were very flirty and inappropriate with him calling her babe. And her asking about getting a hotel room that weekend for his birthday. He said he didn't think he could be I had to work and I work nights so he had to be there with the kids. But I looked on his browser and he had been looking at prices for rooms. He also asked if she had called his department at work because a girl called while he was out. She said it wasn't her, maybe it was me. He said it wouldn't be me bc I would know he would be mad if I called. Why would he be mad!?!? Apparently she had been facebook stalking me too bc she said our DS5 was soo cute. That is my profile pic n the only one she could see. She kept trying to get him to meet up outside at work and he kept making excuses. She talked about wanting to kiss him. I lost it, thought I was going to puke or pass out, shaking so bad. I went to our room and threw the phone at him. At first he was very defensive, trying to make it my fault, then as the night went on and we talked more he started to take the rightful blame. He took off work the next 2 days which he never does. He sent her a text saying it was over to which she never replied. He seemed so remorseful, crying, saying how disgusted he was with himself, he didn't want to lose his family. Answered all my questions- they never did anything sexual other than one quick peck on the lips that supposedly she initiated and he was angry about bc it was in front of people that knew me. He said he hugged her a couple of times and that they met outside work once and sat at a park and talked for an hour. The questions I kept asking that hurt the most was would he have gotten a room with her, how long would this have went on for, how far would it have went, and would he have ended it if he hadn't gotten caught. He didn't really have the answers to the questions other than he was almost positive he wouldn't have slept with her. From his point of view he was starting to feel midlife and not attractive. He enjoyed the attention from a younger woman. It stroked his ego and made him feel good.

After talking for days we decided to try to work things out and go to IC and couples counseling. I went to 2 sessions, he has not went to any as of yet. Tried to go one day but he got lost and was too late and they wouldn't see him.

For the month of August our relationship was great. Our sex life was improving drastically (I had iud removed). I was so hopeful and falling more in love with him. My moods would definitely swing though. I could be super happy one day and crying, depressed, and sad the next.
Fast forward to September 8th. We were getting ready to start vacation, he had one more evening to work, so I was at home doing some studying for school. We were all excited to be getting ready to go to the beach. Mi was trying to find some information for school on our computer and I came across something that said keylogger. WTF! I clicked it and there were these snippets of emails to someone. Also a username and password to an email account I didn't know about. I logged on to the email and there were emails to and from a different girl. They were flirty with her saying she wanted to rub herself all over him and that she wanted to make out with him so bad one day but there were other people around. Another girl at the same company he works at. Her saying she dreamed about him, he asking were they good dreams. Saying she owed him a picture. One of the last emails was a picture of her naked from the waist up. He replied they were pretty. Idiot- who wants a guy to say they have pretty boobs. Her trying to get him to meet outside of work, him making up excuses why he couldn't. Her saying his coworkers thought they were having sex. Him saying he was lonely and bored one night while I was at work and saying he felt like a single parent. WTF! I make triple what you make, of course I have to work. I only work 3 days a week, I am home more than I'm not. So of course I call him at work and tell him he needed to come home immediately. He kept asking why and I called him some pretty names. He couldn't come home as there was no one to cover for him. We exchanged heated texts for the rest of his shift. The one that hurts the most is him saying to go to my moms, he didnt want to do any of this anymore, he was disgusted with himself and didn't want to hurt me anymore, didn't want to see me a sobbing wreck again. This one had been going on since the 2nd week of August. Why would he do this again immediately after the 1st. I'm so confused. He said he could tell I was acting differently toward him and was sad a lot and it made him doubt things. If you noticed I was sad why didn't you try to help me. Why did you do it again when you said you felt like such a piece of crap. He was almost suicidal the first time because he felt so bad for what he had done. He said it was about the attention again and feeding his ego. He was not attracted to this girl and she was actually getting on his nerves.
The kicker is I had found an email text a week or so earlier that his phone had saved when he read the email. It said something about not being able to wait until they could have their secret time at work. I confronted him about that and he blew it off saying a friend of his at work had been using his phone to talk to someone he was having cheating on his girlfriend with. He said he was soo sorry I saw that and it got me so upset. I believed him completely and we went to bed cuddling and kissing.

We actually did go on vacation because our boys were so excited about going and we really needed a break from DS12. We had an amazing time, romantic walks on the beach at night, talking without interruptions, it was so relaxing. We have talked about all of this alot. We had gotten engaged last November but I gave him the ring back after the first time. I told him I didn't want it or to even think about getting married until we repaired our relationship.

Now I find myself unsure what to do. How can I ever trust him again. We have days where we are so happy but I can't stop thinking about it. He does have an appointment for IC and has gotten on an antidepressant and anxiety med. I'm terrified that I'm going to let my guard down like I did before and be thinking everything is ok and he is doing it again. I never thought he would do it the first time, much less the second. How can I trust there won't be a third or fourth time? I did tell him if he didnt go to IC and MC and if it ever happened again that was it. I will not even consider forgiving him again. This is his chance to straighten up or he will lose everything he has. He is also looking for another job bc I feel sick every time he goes to work. I also am obsessing over checking his phone, email accounts, facebook, web history, etc. I'm driving myself crazy doing it and its not a productive use of my time. How do I stop this.

I'm sorry this is so long but I don't have anyone to talk to. I don't want to ruin his relationship with my family or friends so I haven't said anything. Any tips, advice, or hugs would be appreciated.

Take2 posted 9/24/2013 20:41 PM

You need hugs? You got it:

(((Avagabor))) Welcome! I get that the details of your situation are a bit different but I think you WBf is reading right out of the WS handbook.

Occasionally I read a post and think... well maybe he/she caught this in time and it really didn't get physical... I'm sorry to say this is not one of those times. I don't think you have the real story.
And his earlier remorse (he was suicidal)... got you to back off, you felt bad for him. He turn the tables on you, and then went on his merry way.

My guess is that he was playing both girls at once and she is the OW who called him at work for their "secret time".

Look the "he felt unattractive" and "you were so sad all the time" is utter bs and blameshifting.

I think you need to figure out what you need to rebuild trust, lay down your boundaries and the consequences for breaking them and then buckle up - this is a long twisty ride.

So more hugs! Try to focus on you and the kids for a bit and see what you think when you've had some time to think.

emotionalgirl posted 9/24/2013 20:41 PM

Hi avagabor...welcome to SI as someone said to me it is the place you never want to be but the best place you ever found.

I will be honest here, checking up on him regularly is a good thing. As the saying goes if you honestly think that he is being remorseful, honest and is ready for R then trust but verify. There will come a point where the felling that you need to check up on him lessens as the trust is restored. This all takes time I think that you are doing very well in giving back the ring until he can prove himself and insisting on IC and MC. Also the fact that he has started on the AD is excellent.

What you are feeling right now is normal. My D day was only a little over a month ago and I still have days that I feel the same as you do, even thou my WH is doing everything right. I have seen members who say they still have those occasional days even years down the line. Please be gentle with yourself your D day was not that long ago.

Only you can decide if this has been a deal breaker or if you want to give him one more chance. I have also told WH that he has had his 3 strikes (3DDays all with same EA). Next time he is out.

Take care of you and your kids above all else and come here often. Even just reading is very helpful I find. Spend time talking to your IC and your MC. I know how difficult it is to tell no one, I too have kept things quiet, I only told my BFF, believe it or not my WH was the one who told everyone what an asshat he had been!

I home you find your path (((hugs)))

[This message edited by emotionalgirl at 8:43 PM, September 24th (Tuesday)]

Avagabor posted 9/25/2013 13:37 PM

The thing is I truly believe he did not do anything sexual with either of them. I could tell from what I read that they were getting frustrated because he wouldn't meet up with them outside of work. The first girl was trying her hardest and his texts back to her were all excuses why he couldn't.

LAFA posted 9/25/2013 14:46 PM

Welcome, Avagabor. A lot of times it doesn't really matter if it went sexual or not, An EA can be just as devastating. Also an EA is a very slippery slope, usually leading to a PA when opportunity presents itself. I hope you caught on in time. Be good to you in this trying time.