"You can survive this. Talk to others that have"

vivere posted 9/24/2013 20:56 PM

January 2012, I learned of my husbands 'other life'. For 12 months he had been corresponding with a young woman OS whom he met on a business trip. The frequency of said trips increased and their EA turned PA. I was devastated but motivated by shame, fear and an unwillingness to break up the family unit I chose to do the work necessary to reconcile.

Forced to re examine our marriage I realised just how unhealthy it was. Communication skills on both sides were found wanting (understatement). How could I have not seen that? How could I have thought our marriage was so wonderful? As it happens, one question lead to another and yet another...soon I was focusing on my role in this marriage breakdown. I was focusing on me. The amount of soul searching and subsequent personal growth has been long overdue. It's an ongoing process that I am pleased to be undertaking. But I digress...

May 2012, more discoveries regarding my husbands secret life. It seems that for the last 4 years he has been frequenting prostitutes interstate. So now I'm plagued with doubts about our entire 23 year marriage and our 27 year friendship. I wonder is he a SA? I deal with the tsunami of emotions and try not to forget the good times that we have shared, the good that I've seen in him. I don't want to give up hope that we can be one of the successfully R'd stories here on SI.

I ride the roller coaster and understand that this is normal. We discuss more and argue less. My husband entrusts me with his greatest secret (CSA) but makes it clear that he won't be pursuing any more IC. (He did speak with our MC on 3 occasions and does not see any benefit in continuing). As for MC, it was general and vague. It highlighted how men and women think differently and how our communication needing improving but we left after 10 sessions with more questions than answers and few tools to work with.

I acknowledge that (to the best of my knowledge) my husband has been doing his best. He immediately went NC with the AP and I understand he has never broken this. He no longer engages prostitutes and has even self regulated his workplace relationships, being very careful not to have his friendliness misconstrued as flirting. He has picked up the ball on the home front too. He is much more present as a father and more hands on with domestic duties (helps with some cooking and cleaning). He has kept any interstate travel to an absolute minimum and has not had any international travel at all. He has even stopped viewing porn (which played a bigger role in his life than I thought). I should be happy, right? He is now acting like a person in a committed relationship.

But he is not happy. He feels he is being punished. He is 'not allowed' to go out with his friends (who are not friends of the marriage), he doesn't have privacy (as he resentfully allows me to look at his mail and phone accounts). He never once viewed these things as a positive way to help strengthen my trust in him, rather he feels like a little boy being punished. When I initiate he will let me read self help books with him (he won't read them alone) and sometimes we even have a conversation following but he isn't a willing or eager participant. He won't do things if he sees no value in them, even if the value is my peace of mind. The timeline is a perfect example - never had one, never going to get one. Strangely though, even if things might be of value to him, it's still too difficult for him (I asked him to jot down what he needed to have a great marriage, what it would look like to him). Nothing.

And I am not happy. Til now I have allowed myself to continue to move my line in the sand. I am disrespecting myself. I so desperately wanted this marriage to work because I loved the man I thought was buried underneath all the shame and I didn't want my children to suffer because of our inability to get our shit together. I really wish my husband could see the value of being more open and honest with me but mostly with himself. He would have much to gain from a bit of introspection. But I can't control him, just me. I'm a bit pissed off with myself that I can't just focus on the good and continue to ride the roller coaster, just let it go round one more time. But I won't. I'm tired of that dance and I've had enough. I don't know if life is going to be better on my own but I'm willing to see. I'm not scared of being alone anymore. I know I will miss the friendship and the sex but I won't miss the feeling I get when the roller coaster takes its downward turn. I know I am worth a shot at happiness. I think I've been fair.

Sorry mods if this should be in divorce/separation I know you'll move it.

vivere posted 9/24/2013 20:57 PM

Sorry that was so long but I had to get it out. It was quite cathartic!

Celticlass posted 9/24/2013 21:08 PM

(((ONN))) Hugs to you Sister. I'm glad you got that off your chest. Now, down to brass tacks- Please read in the healing library in the yellow box in upper left corner of page. Read about doing the 180---this is a way for you to focus on yourself and detaching away from the marriage. The purpose is to create a place for you to do clear thinking and a place of less distress to you. And not worrying about him at all during this process. Decide what HE needs to work on YOU to feel safe in the marriage again.

The other resource is down in the I can Relate forum--there is a thread there for situations in which Craigslist or prostitutes are used.

This is all I can offer you. I'm sure that others will be along soon to envelope you in comforting hugs and tell you what else to do!

Good luck and make sure that you post here often--it really is a life and sanity saver. Everyone is very compassionate and supportive. Good luck to you! SI is here for you.

emotionalgirl posted 9/24/2013 21:26 PM

((((ONN)))) by the sounds of your post YOU have been working hard to R you marriage him not so much. It also sounds like you have given allot of thought to what you need and want before coming to a final decision.

What I understand is that even if you could find a better MC yourWH is not willing to attend, and he is not meeting you even half way in providing the things which you need to trust him and R.

I think you have been more than fair and if you feel that's S is what you need to move ahead in your life then that is what you do. Who knows maybe when you walk out and file the papers your WH might wake up and see that he needed to put more work into R.

May you find peace on your chosen path.

vivere posted 9/25/2013 04:00 AM

Thanks ladies for your support. I have contacted my lawyer. It cannot be said I did not try.

Bobbi_sue posted 9/25/2013 05:51 AM

Please read in the healing library in the yellow box in upper left corner of page. Read about doing the 180---this is a way for you to focus on yourself and detaching away from the marriage.

It seems to me that Ovliousandnumb has already done this, or us utilizing her own very effective form of 180, which has already led to a healthy focus on herself and the fact she can only control herself (not him).

I have contacted my lawyer. It cannot be said I did not try.

I fully agree that you gave this a fair chance and now it is time. All the best to you, Obliviousnownumb, as you go forward with this. My XH frequented prostitutes too, and rather than trying to get answers we will never get, learning to trust someone who can never be trusted, it is better for us to get a D.