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Setting boundaries

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Jesss posted 9/24/2013 21:25 PM

I have decided to believe my husband for now about never having physical sex, he did have cyber sex, exchange naked photos, talk about sex to strangers for at least three years, and he has been watching porn for our entire marriage. I have always been so against porn, but from thinking he might have actually slept with someone to realizing it was "just" online sex and "just" porn, I do feel a tiny bit better.
But this was a huge betrayal, when we first got married I packed my bags and almost left him when I caught him watching porn, he gaslighted me and got me to believe he was not watching it.
I need to set some boundaries and make sure he doesn't keep gaslighting me for another 6 years and truly does change.
So what are some examples? I don't want them to look like a list of rules to follow...
How can we make sure he doesn't do anything like he was been doing again?

cluless posted 9/25/2013 11:25 AM

This is a tough one. When I met my WH he was addicted to porn, had a subscription to Playboy, visited strip clubs, and would even stare at a woman walking right in front of me!

Yes I would have broken up with him IF I wasn't pregnant with his child. I educated him on how degrading this is to women and how it makes me feel. He still looks at women inappropriately but is working on it.

I caught my WH having a sexting r'ship. For a year I believed him that it was ONLY a cyberaffair. We were rebuilding our relationship and then it all came crashing down when he was pushed into a corner and had to admit he had a PA.

My advice to you is to be guarded. I also felt "better" but still horribly betrayed since I thought there was so physical contact, and the way he described her when he met her for "coffee" was that he was disgusted with her appearance. Although he still maintains that, then why did he have sex with her 5 times over the course of 18 months?

I only found out b/c his slut's husband and I had been working on this together to get at the truth, but he was persuaded NOT to tell me about the screwing. My WH almost left me to keep from having to admit it. That was 25 days ago and I'm still reeling.

Ask him to take a lie detector's test, look for his reaction.


Simple posted 9/25/2013 16:10 PM

This is not your fault and I feel for you as my own FWH has done this as well on top of meeting the girls he met online and having sex with them as well.

Before you set some boundaries, has he actually figured out why he's doing all these things? He needs to look into himself and fix himself. I think if he finds out the cause of his A, then a deeper set of boundaries can be set. For now you can set the "i get all the passwords", "can't be alone with a computer" type stuff.

Hope that helps.

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