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Newest Member: jdgrief (45719)

User Topic: Feeling lonely, in a L.D.R., hugs please!
Ms_Strong
♀ 30883
Member # 30883
Default  Posted: 10:02 PM, September 24th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I've been in a LDR for 15 months now with an amazing man who I believe is my soulmate. We were together for 8 months in an serious relationship before he moved 200 miles away for a new job.
When we are together things are great. We try to see each other at least once a month.
But after the together time, I feel so lonely and despondent and start thinking of all the shortcomings in the relationship, e.g.: the fact that we only see each other once a month. And when he visits me, it's for only one night. This is his hometown so when he visits, it's with everybody and we party til the early hours, I'm lucky if we even get "frisky" (sorry if TMI) because one of us will fall asleep (can't get too mad about that because it has been me a few times as well as him), then it's time for him to leave in the morning. When I go to visit him, I plan for maximum time with him, so usually at least a 3-night stay.
I'm just sick of feeling like a lower priority,.
Is it weird to be in an exclusive relationship with someone you only see once every two weeks?
Part of me wants to stop seeing this guy because I don't like feeling lonely. The only thing that is stopping me is that it really is perfect when we are together. My BF has been really great in his outlook of it. His take on it is that this is that the only thing wrong with this relationship is the distance issue, not personality/relationship issues.
We both want to live together someday. We are both against marriage so there's not going to be any grand romantic gesture. I don't want to move because I don't want to uproot my kids, job, or friends, and and he can't move back because of his career too. The upheaval would be too much for my kids if it didn't work out if we moved there.
I was in an LDR 20 years ago with the XH and ended up marrying him despite infidelity back then (I should have known that leopards don't change their spots) so I am very cynical about LDRs working.
Just feeling lonely and welcome any advice or words of encouragement from anyone who has been in an LDR.


Me: 40, happily divorced Dec11
D-Day #1 - 9th Jan 11, D-Day #2 - 13th Jan 11
Kids - 4, 8 yrs

Posts: 269 | Registered: Jan 2011
Jrazz
♀ 31349
Member # 31349
Default  Posted: 10:38 PM, September 24th (Tuesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

No advice. Just hugs.

(((Ms_Strong)))


"Sometimes people are mean, and sometimes things will be hard. One of your jobs is to try and make sure that that never makes you mean and hard, too." Cord Jefferson's Mom

Posts: 18283 | Registered: Feb 2011 | From: California
InnerLight
♀ 19946
Member # 19946
Default  Posted: 12:57 AM, September 25th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Why can't he visit you for longer stretches? Why only once a month? I work 160 miles from home and I go every 2 weeks for 3 days. Why can't you visit every 2 weeks?

Why does he have to see everyone every month? Why can't he see just you every other visit to his hometown?

Do you guys get vacation days, national holidays?

200 miles - is that like 4 hours? Can you meet half way between?

Sorry for all the questions, but 200 miles doesn't seem impossible to me. Do you think there is anything else besides logistics that keeps you away? Do you feel he's really in to you?


BS, now age 53, d-day 6-2-08, divorced after 17 years M and 20 together. In some ways I have not 'gotten over it'. But I am resilient and have created a good life where I am mostly happy.

Posts: 5896 | Registered: Jun 2008 | From: Rural California
monarchwings
♀ 39891
Member # 39891
Default  Posted: 5:02 AM, September 25th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I would be having the same thoughts. I'd be bothered by the once a month thing and all you do is party. Could you go and visit him the 2nd alternate weekends you did not your kids? The party all thing I am pretty much over. Thats because my xh is a functioning alcoholic and I want something different. Definitely my issue but I want someone who has more interests and wants to focus on. quality time with me. Nexttime schedule a date night with a romantic dinner or picknick with just the two of you. Go to a museum or an attraction. Something other than hanging out with old friends all the time. Change how you spend time together and see if that helps. Good luck.

[This message edited by monarchwings at 5:06 AM, September 25th (Wednesday)]


Posts: 116 | Registered: Jul 2013
movingforward13
♀ 38405
Member # 38405
Default  Posted: 7:26 AM, September 25th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

What is your goal of this relationship? Where is it going? What is the point?

Maybe you and he need to answer these questions to arrive at a solution.


Once a cheater, always a cheater happens when your cheater doesn't have remorse.
Regret is not remorse- know the difference!

Posts: 643 | Registered: Feb 2013 | From: DC
tabitha95
♀ 22033
Member # 22033
Default  Posted: 10:40 PM, September 25th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I've watched my sister in two LDR relationships, and I refuse to be in one now. Not even a town 45 minutes away.

Her LDR now seems like a fantasy world. They take trips together on their few week-ends together. It's not reality. They don't see the day-to-day person, just these romantic interludes.

Not judging, just thinking it's not for me.


BW (me) - 45
DS 14, DS 11
D-Day#1: Oct 30, 2008
D-Day#2: June 3, 2011 (same MOW) Separation: June 3, 2011
Divorce finalized: Feb 2012 (due to 6 month waiting period).

Posts: 3250 | Registered: Dec 2008
Ms_Strong
♀ 30883
Member # 30883
Default  Posted: 10:51 PM, September 25th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thank you Jrazz, Innerlight, Monarchwings, and Movingforward13 for your replies. And questions. I'm glad you all think that once a month is not very often. I was afraid that my expectations were too high.
Why can't he visit you for longer stretches?

He works everyday except Sunday, but on Saturdays it's only in the morning. I usually can swing it Friday to Monday morning each alternate weekend because I work on my own hours and the only requirement is to be back in town for the kiddos. Obviously when I have the kids I usually stay at home.
Why does he have to see everyone every month? Why can't he see just you every other visit to his hometown?
His friends are really close-knit. I get along with them very well so that in itself is OK.
200 miles - is that like 4 hours? Can you meet half way between?

About 3 hours. There is nothing in-between. I have thought about it though as a romantic getaway, but there isn't anything fun to do.
Do you think there is anything else besides logistics that keeps you away? Do you feel he's really in to you?

He has told me that he is serious about me, so yes, I believe that he is into me.
Change how you spend time together and see if that helps.

Will try that. Thank you, Monarchwings
What is your goal of this relationship? Where is it going? What is the point?

As I said initially (probably missed it because I rambled a bit), we hope to live together someday, so the intention is that this is a serious relationship.
Sigh, wish me luck


Me: 40, happily divorced Dec11
D-Day #1 - 9th Jan 11, D-Day #2 - 13th Jan 11
Kids - 4, 8 yrs

Posts: 269 | Registered: Jan 2011
InnerLight
♀ 19946
Member # 19946
Default  Posted: 11:20 PM, September 25th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

He has told me that he is serious about me, so yes, I believe that he is into me.

But the thing is you are not feeling it and maybe its all logistics but have you shared your feelings of loneliness and has he responded with actions?

I am concerned for you that he is more about the words than the actions. I'm not hearing that he is going out of his way to give you the loving experience you are looking for. He just seems to include you in his circle of friends once a month and is happy to sleep with you after the party. Forgive me if I sound harsh towards your relationship, it's just that I don't get from your post how he is making a big effort to make you happy.

Now if you haven't expressed yourself but pretended its all OK with you when it's not, then he may simply be oblivious. Next step would be a serious discussion. You express what you enjoy about the relationship, what you don't like and give some ideas about how he could help you feel less lonely. Then you leave it up to him to follow through. He is a free man and doesn't have to do anything you want. If he doesn't though then he might not get to keep you.

You are worth making an effort to making you happy and you deserve to be with a man who really gets that.


BS, now age 53, d-day 6-2-08, divorced after 17 years M and 20 together. In some ways I have not 'gotten over it'. But I am resilient and have created a good life where I am mostly happy.

Posts: 5896 | Registered: Jun 2008 | From: Rural California
Ms_Strong
♀ 30883
Member # 30883
Default  Posted: 11:57 PM, September 25th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Innerlight,
I'm not offended by any of your remarks. His friends have become some of my closest friends, so I am OK with spending time with all of them.
I haven't really told him that I feel lonely in those words exactly. A few months ago I told him that I miss him and am not happy with the only once a month. He promised to try to visit me more often. But his work schedule changed recently.
You're right, I'm not feeling special and adored. But maybe after being married for over 10 years I'm expecting too much commitment? (at least in the beginning, but I wouldn't be on SI if my marriage was the pinnacle of commitment)

[This message edited by Ms_Strong at 11:59 PM, September 25th (Wednesday)]


Me: 40, happily divorced Dec11
D-Day #1 - 9th Jan 11, D-Day #2 - 13th Jan 11
Kids - 4, 8 yrs

Posts: 269 | Registered: Jan 2011
Undefinabl3
♀ 36883
Member # 36883
Default  Posted: 10:14 AM, September 26th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

He has told me that he is serious about me, so yes, I believe that he is into me.

Actions....actions speak louder then words.

I was in a LDR in college. I drove almost 400 miles one way, every.single.weekend. to see the SO. He was in the military, so I had to be the one to travel since it was over the alotted miles he could travel without permission.

Every.single.weekend. Not only that, but while doing that, i also got straight A's and on the dean's list as well.

If he really wanted to see you more often, he would find a way to do it. If you wanted to see him more often, you would find a way to do it.


Me: 31 MH
Him: 37 MH
New online find 6/19/14 - shit
Phone Find 11/21/14 - I can't even right now.

Posts: 1815 | Registered: Sep 2012
InnerLight
♀ 19946
Member # 19946
Default  Posted: 10:55 AM, September 26th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Feeling special and adored doesn't come with a commitment like marriage. There needs to be evidence of it in early dating and then it can mature as the relationship deepens. If it isn't there in the beginning, it is less likely to develop.

Does he not get bank holidays or vacation time he can use towards seeing you?

How does he stay in touch with you and let you know you're special to him?

Is this really enough for you?

How do you feel about having a serious talk with him about this?


BS, now age 53, d-day 6-2-08, divorced after 17 years M and 20 together. In some ways I have not 'gotten over it'. But I am resilient and have created a good life where I am mostly happy.

Posts: 5896 | Registered: Jun 2008 | From: Rural California
She11ybeanz
♀ 27457
Member # 27457
Default  Posted: 12:09 PM, September 26th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

IMO....even though you "seem" perfect for each other...if neither one of you see the option of moving AS an option AT ALL in any forseeable future.... I would end things. To me, it would be too much like torture otherwise to continue on like this indefinitely. If it is meant to be, then you both will find your way back to each other when the timing is right and you CAN be together in the same place. I can't handle LDR's....they are much too hard.... and I am much too selfish. I don't have a lot of time as it is....so anyone that I date has to be closeby.

Good luck to you both... ((HUGZ))

[This message edited by She11ybeanz at 12:10 PM, September 26th (Thursday)]


"Sometimes your knight in shining armor ...is just a douchebag in tin foil!!"

ME - BW - 35
HIM - XWH - 39
D day: November 15th, 2009
Married: 5 Years, together 8
Divorced: December 13th, 2010
New Beginning: Piper/8-3-12


Posts: 2732 | Registered: Feb 2010 | From: Virginia
abbycadabby
♀ 27428
Member # 27428
Default  Posted: 7:14 PM, September 26th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hugs to you (((Ms Strong))).

I am in an LDR too. It's tough. No advice though.


Posts: 1302 | Registered: Feb 2010
NaiveAgain
♀ 20849
Member # 20849
Default  Posted: 9:19 PM, September 26th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I was afraid that my expectations were too high.
Asolutely not. Your expectations are yours. Don't make excuses for what you need out of a relationship and don't worry about what others think about if you are asking for too much.

Here's the bottom line. You aren't happy. You are not feeling special or like you are a priority.

Part of me wants to stop seeing this guy because I don't like feeling lonely.
That is understandable. One night a month would not work for me. I am not high maintenance financially but I need a lot of attention from my guy.

The only thing that is stopping me is that it really is perfect when we are together
Anyone can be perfect one night a month. Is one night a month okay? How solid is your plan for the future? Is anyone starting to make plans? If I were in a situation like that, I would need a good solid plan and I would need to see actions towards making that plan happen.

Dr Phil said something once that resonated strongly with me. He said "a relationship works only when the needs of both partners are being met". Are your needs being met?


Original WS D-Day July 10, 2008. Kept lying, he is gone.
New WS (2 EA's, no PA) 12-3-13
If you don't like where you are, then change it. You are not a tree.

Posts: 15399 | Registered: Aug 2008 | From: Ohio
Gajit
♀ 40665
Member # 40665
Default  Posted: 9:53 PM, September 26th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I doubt your needs are being met. My own husband and I have been in a LDR for 20 years!
Now we are getting divorced!

Get real!


Lord, with Your help I will focus on each small step of the climb, instead of the mountain that stands before me.

Posts: 224 | Registered: Sep 2013 | From: USA
Topic Posts: 15

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