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Wow! What a mess...

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Katscan posted 9/25/2013 01:25 AM

First DDAY was about 9 months ago when I found out that WH had been emailing, texting calling and meeting up with his ex fiancé (from over 25 years ago)... When I confronted him he said they were just 2 friends meeting for lunch. His only mistake was not telling me earlier...
He said there was nothing in it, but he was saying things in emails that he wouldn't say if I was sitting next to him. He even emailed her on my birthday to arrange to see her.
And this had been going on for 4 years???!!! WTF???
So he begged me to trust him again, swore NC with her, promised to quit drinking, swore it was only ever me amd their was no one else. We even tried MC...what a joke, he was so defensive we didn't go back.
Fast forward to August, drink had wormed itself back in, one night after being at the pub all afternoon ( he had a stressful morning bless him!) when he should have been spending a Saturday with his kids, I came home from work early and told him not to bother coming home, stay in the pub.
So when he came back and passed out, much much later, I thought I would check to see if he was still in contact with this EA OW. Nope...relief...
So I thought I would check he web browser on his phone to see if he was looking at ways to help with his alcohol addiction...
Ha fat chance.
I found a web page to a massage parlour....and he had phoned the number soon after I told him to stay away...
The next morning I told him I couldn't walk this alcoholic path any more with him and told him he had to leave, oh and by the way..."I hope you enjoyed your massage!"
I stood firm and made him leave. TT over the past month has revealed chasing escorts, web porn, live chats and webcam stuff, dating sites, meeting up from someone on Craigslist and more than one happy endings massage...
"But it's ok, that was just a release, and there was only thrill in chasing them' I didn't do anything"
He swears no full sex, but funny I'm having a hard time believing this.

To be fair, since I made him go, he hasn't had a drink, joined AA, and is beginning to work on himself. He wants to be a better man and come back home. I know I should be compassionate and understanding, supportive etc
But in reality, I have never felt such pain. The betrayal and loss is HUGE,
This has been going on for 7+ years, almost a third of our marriage!
Things were getting back to as if nothing had happened, I was beginning to feel better, stronger, until this weekend. We tried to have a family meal, but my DD couldn't even sit at the table, she felt physically ill (much how I felt when I jfo) you see, she heard us arguing, she knows what WH did, she couldn't play happy families.
To see her hurting so much, the pain came flooding back all over again. This was beginning to get swept under the carpet, back to normality.

In reality, his actions broke this, we didn't ask for any of this, nothing is being blown out of proportion. He changed everything.
I can't ever trust him again.
Sorry about the long post, I needed to get this off my chest. I am so torn between standing my ground being strong and holding on to my values of this being a deal breaker for me. Or to let it go and R...
Feeling sick

mixedintherut posted 9/25/2013 08:16 AM

You can hold on to your values and still R. You have to let him know what it is you need from him, in order to R. If he can't provide the things you need, then that's that.

You don't have to make a decision now. Take your time, this is fresh and new, most people suggest waiting 6 months to make any huge decisions.

Even if you choose R, you don't just let it go. You need to work through your pain. He needs to help you work through it. Perhaps IC would be good for both of you. He needs to find out what is wrong with him, that would allow him to do this.

There are lots of successful people here who R, and there are people who D and end up being happier then they ever thought they could be.

The decision is yours, and it is not one that has to be made right away. The upper left hand corner, in the yellow box, The Healing Library has tons of information for you as the BS (betrayed spouse).

heartbrokeninaz posted 9/25/2013 08:24 AM

I don't understand some of the abreviations. Is there a list? What is r?

Tred posted 9/25/2013 08:34 AM

R is reconciliation...there is a list of abbreviations at the top of the General section - here is the link:

NeverAgain2013 posted 9/25/2013 08:51 AM

I'm sorry you find yourself here, Katscan. You've been dealt a rotten hand for sure.

Just a note - not every alcoholic cheats or uses his alcoholism as an EXCUSE to cheat. My now deceased ex-husband was 5 years sober when I married him many years ago; he'd been an alcoholic for 15 years before getting sober and then continuing his daily sobriety. I believe AA is very largely faith based, and a huge proponent of the program is honesty. So I learned many bad things my now ex had done back when he was an alcoholic and how he'd disappointed the ones he'd loved the most with this horrible behavior. It humiliated him to confess to me how he stole or tricked people into giving him money for drinking or tricked the McDonald's drive-thru gal into giving him free food, etc. etc.

So I know he was honest to a fault in his recovery because he was giving it 110% each and every day. The point I'm making is that he was totally honest with me, even though he was horrifically ashamed at his past behavior and all the deeds he'd done while he was an alcoholic.

But the one thing he NEVER did, however, was cheat on his wife (he became an alcoholic during his first marriage). If he was willing to tell me how horribly low he'd sunk and some of the horrific things he'd done years before, confessing to cheating would have just been one more thing for the list and not even the worst of what I was hearing. I just wanted to stress that he had no reason to lie about it at that point because he was basically pouring his heart out on the floor and baring his soul to me - without me even having asked for this confession.

If people are going to cheat, they're going to do it regardless of whether they're alcoholics or not. My ex was never the cheating kind and even in the worst grips of his 15 years of alcoholism, STILL never cheated on his first wife. Yeah, in the face of everything else he'd done, I guess that was a small victory, wasn't it?

Just be careful not to fall into his "alcohol made me do it, it wasn't me!" bullshit. He needs to OWN his shit and quit blaming it on everything else. That's such classic alcoholic behavior - everything is someone ELSE'S fault.

If I were you, I'd make my husband stay away for ONE YEAR. If he's cleaned up and working the program every single day and striving toward being the best he can be, THEN you can talk to him about possibly coming home. But big deal, he's been gone what - 3 weeks? And now he's a sober saint? Don't believe it.

He's only doing it out of desperation to get you back because he wants back into the family home, not because he knows it's the best thing to do and the RIGHT thing to do by his wife and family.

Honestly, if you take him back now, you can expect more of the same bullcrap you've been dealing with for the last 7 years.

He's got a LONG LONG LONG way to go before he's even mentally, physically and emotionally HEALTHY enough to try to work on reconciliation with you.

You owe yourself and your childen a healthy, safe and secure environment in which to live. Subjecting them to a lying, cheating alcoholic is not the way to do it, Katscan.

Best of luck to you and please take care of yourself.

Katscan posted 9/25/2013 09:54 AM

NeverAgain...thank you!

Just be careful not to fall into his "alcohol made me do it, it wasn't me!" bullshit. He needs to OWN his shit and quit blaming it on everything else. That's such classic alcoholic behavior - everything is someone ELSE'S fault

I've heard this record already. Your post helps to put things into perspective definitely!

Thanks mixed, I have just started IC and I hope it helps.

Still I can't help feeling he's guilty only because he's been found out. If this has been going on for 7+ years, how much longer would it have gone on if I didn't know what I know now????

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