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What do you talk about? BS/WS welcome

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AML04 posted 9/25/2013 06:41 AM

There was another thread about how not talking about it gets frustrating and leaves you hard to focus on your day-to-day activities. For those people who are discussing the A what do you talk about? So far it's been me asking questions and him answering the things he actually remembers. I would like to get to a place where we can actually have a discussion about it. Unfortunately this is hard for him, he says that he has no idea what to say. I know I can't lead his recovery so I need to stop leading the discussions. I feel like I'm putting words in his mouth.

Any help (especially from WSs) would be greatly appreciated.

heforgotme posted 9/25/2013 06:52 AM

One thing we would do when we didn't know quite what to talk about was to get on here and read posts. It would spur discussion and I think was less threatening to him as the spotlight wasn't totally on him.

AML04 posted 9/25/2013 06:54 AM

I do that sometimes but for some reason it never leads to discussion? I'll suggest it again.
Thank you for the response!!

musiclovingmom posted 9/25/2013 09:07 AM

I have him read specific posts and then ask for his thoughts. Also, we have started reading books together. We tried to read individually and then talk at the end of each chapter and that was a total bust. Now, we sit down, both of us book in hand and one or the other of us reads out loud. At the end of each section, we talk about anything that struck us and how it applies to our situation and then we move on. We also do a communal journal. We write and respond to each others posts. When one of us has written something, we leave it on the other person's night stand. That's worked really well for getting through some of the tougher, underlying issues - the stuff that is hard to say out loud. And, it helps keep our emotions in check since we actually have to take the time to write down our words instead of just throwing them out there.

AML04 posted 9/25/2013 09:25 AM

I like those ideas! Reading out loud is good because you're already talking. He's not a big writer but I also like the idea of a communal journal. I'm going to try that one. Thank you!

GraceisGood posted 9/25/2013 11:19 AM

Are you able to have deep conversations in other areas?

Are there areas in your lives where you two have deep seated opposing views and yet you are able to respectfully and lovingly discuss them and share each others views and learn more about the other?

H and I agree on more things that not, but we have some differing views spiritually as well as politically. We have some very deep conversations in these areas without the need to be on the same page, or fearful that if we are not the "same" the M will not survive. Also, many times these discussion will lead to infidelity related subjects and then discussion regarding infidelity and our situation flow more "naturally" instead of being focused upon.

If you struggle in other areas like this, then definitely A talk will be torture imo.

Perhaps practice deep conversation in other topics not as threatening as infidelity and then as you grow in mutual respect and tolerance you might be able to explore the infidelity at a deeper level.

Of course if you already can discuss touchy subjects deeply, then what I said above does not apply


AML04 posted 9/25/2013 11:28 AM

Grace-we do struggle with deeper conversations. We have been very good about expressing our love to each other lately but most conversations are surface stuff.
I'm going to try this and see what happens!

FeelingMN posted 9/25/2013 11:32 AM

I'm in the same boat, we don't really talk about it at all. I think FWW's guilt reaction is so strong and deep seeded that all meaningful conversation is replaced by utter silence. In the beginning it was question/answer but never really a conversation. This is one thing that I've had to accept about R. I hope you find an answer for this because its a source of frustration for me.

SurprisinglyOkay posted 9/25/2013 11:34 AM

It took me a while to be able to talk about my A without falling into a huge pit of shame.
While I was flailing around in there it was almost impossible for me to have a conversation about it, I would answer questions but that was about it.

I've done a lot of work on myself, and we have done work on our relationship. Talking about has just gotten easier. I'm not saying that I start conversations about my A's all the time, but I guess I'm more willing and able to talk when it comes up.

A lot of it had to do with learning how to communicate, and not just with my BS. I really had a hard time with it. I mean I could talk you ear off about nothing for hours, but when it came to feelings, or anything of substance, I was out.

Is he in IC? That really helped me.

We also read the 5 love languages together.

We have a set of questions that we answer some nights.

They are
1. what was done for healing today?
2. What were my feelings today and why?
3. Three part question about honoring each other
a What did I see you do to honor me today?
b What did I do that you didn't say?
c What could I have done to honor you today?

4 What was I grateful for today?

AML04 posted 9/25/2013 11:39 AM

Feeling-I empathize with you.

Broevil-that really sounds like where my H is at. He says he's so mad and disappointed in himself but he finds it hard to look at it.
I'm going to talk to him about these questions tonight. Thank you.

Eta: he is in IC but from what he describes they don't talk about the A much either!!! It sounds like he's just venting to a buddy there!

[This message edited by AML04 at 11:40 AM, September 25th (Wednesday)]

SurprisinglyOkay posted 9/25/2013 11:47 AM

What I meant about IC was that it helped me learn how to communicate with someone.
I was REALLY BAD at communicating. I still have a long way to go, but I have come SO far!!

AML04 posted 9/25/2013 12:38 PM

That makes sense because in IC you can't exactly just sit there and say nothing!! Maybe it will get him talking.

He did text me at lunch to say he was trying to work on his issues but was having a hard time focusing. I suggested he just write down what ever thought he had and at least that way he has it and maybe it will start something.

FeelingMN posted 9/25/2013 12:51 PM

Broevil, sounds like you've really done your work and I think that's awesome. My FWW says she doesn't even know where to start to make that change (I think IC is the obvious answer) but acknowledges she needs help in order to make the changes that you have made. My FWW was in IC and didn't sound like they talked much about the A either, because she "figured it all out" in the first couple of sessions and promptly quit.

Simple posted 9/25/2013 12:54 PM

We read books together, stop at some point and discuss. We take quizzes (legit psychology ones) together.

The main point is to kind of talk in 3rd person mode before getting in 1st person. That way it seems like we are talking about other couples and not us. Every now and then it will become first person like "I didn't do that ever!" or "Yea that's exactly what I was feeling".

Hope that helps.

SurprisinglyOkay posted 9/25/2013 13:01 PM

but acknowledges she needs help in order to make the changes that you have made.

Yeah. I had A LOT of help! I'm in IC, and I'm part of a 12 step fellowship. I have done a huge amount of work on myself there.

We've read a few books on relationships, and I've read, and am currently reading, some books on my own.

Chicho and I talk about everything. It can be hard at times for me to properly express myself, but I soldier on and do it anyway.

Communicating has been about practice!

My FWW was in IC and didn't sound like they talked much about the A either, because she "figured it all out" in the first couple of sessions and promptly quit.

Did she share with you what she figured out?
Cause I've been in IC a while now and I'm still figuring it all out.
I've got a lifetime of crap coping skills, crap behavior, just crap to sort through. A few sessions would have gotten me no where.

Ambergray posted 9/25/2013 14:22 PM

This is a great question! I have days all the time where I don't have anything "specific" on my mind or questions I have, but I just want to talk about the A, you know? I'm definitely using this forum to read some topics and get his thoughts. I love that idea!

FeelingMN posted 9/25/2013 15:46 PM

She "figure out" she was drunk and depressed and was "taken back in time" during her high school reunion. Never really got down deeper than that. Could have saved the copay for IC and told her that. I've always thought that it was a half assed attempt at answering the Why? of it. It's just one more thing I don't bother asking anymore.

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