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WS still feels jealous/threatened

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PrincessPeach06 posted 9/25/2013 07:42 AM

So for 15 years I have been a SAHM and that's the way WS wanted it because of course he didn't trust me even though I have never cheated on him.

Now all 6 of my kids are in school and I noticed yesterday the library is hiring. I love to read and it is only a block from our house. However, when I approached WS his response was "there are a lot of freaks there". (At the LIBRARY!?!?). Of course then he shrugged and said "I don't care" in an irritated tone. That is EXACTLY the way I act when I see an attractive woman apply at his store - jealous and threatened.

Now I'm pissed but I know I need to approach him on this. He gave ZERO thought to how screwed he would leave me if the A had been a deal breaker and now I'm pissed. I tried to fill out the application and drew a blank on skills - it's been 10 years since my brief year of college and 15 since an actual job! :(. On my own I would be in trouble and even if he swears he won't cheat again what if he dies!?!?

He will deny feeling jealous so I'm just gonna have to lay it all out there and let him stew.

summerain posted 9/25/2013 07:54 AM

Nope he does not have the right to try and manipulate you like that

Also it is good to try and have some financial security

screw him. look after yourself

p.s DOn't mention you're a stay at home mum in the resume

something like

"I have a wide range of transferable skills applicable in _______

then in the interview if they ask state you're a stay at home mum. It will be in a way advantageous to be one as you can build reporte with the interviewer

[This message edited by lauren123 at 7:56 AM, September 25th (Wednesday)]

Neznayou posted 9/25/2013 08:07 AM

It's interesting that he is the one feeling jealous or threatened.

One of the things I'm working on in IC is identifying my feelings. For a long time, I didn't really think about my feelings and when my counselor asked, I couldn't identify them. May I suggest that you dig a little deeper? Maybe present this to your MC and she (or he) can help your husband elaborate on why he has a negative reaction to your desire to work. (And at a library! I just have to toss in here that I'm a little jealous.) You can get mad at him, but attacking won't help.

As for the job application, you have way more applicable skills than you give yourself credit for. Running a house with 6 kids requires mad organization skills. You can probably type fairly well, help kids with homework... I'm sure you'd be great running story time for the little guys... You're well read (at the juvenile level anyway). You planned and prepared well-balanced meals (maybe planned is a bit of a stretch sometimes). ... If it helps, imagine that you didn't take care of your kids, but someone else's. All those things that daycare providers do for pay, you did for love. They are job skills. I hope this helps get your wheels spinning. Good luck with the job. (Did I mention that I'm jealous you have a library just down the street that's hiring? )

neverdidithink posted 9/25/2013 08:09 AM

He gave ZERO thought to how screwed he would leave me if the A had been a deal breaker and now I'm pissed

It seems as though you're at odds here because he sees it as you planning to leave him. Is that your plan? Why is this job important to you? Are you looking for financial security in case you D, or are you looking for something else? Be ready to articulate your motivation here.

As far as being a SAHM, I hire staff and am thrilled to hire a former SAHM (with good computer skills). My experience has been that SAHMs can multitask better than anyone, and that's important in my line of work. I agree with Lauren about listing your skill set and sharing the details in an interview setting.

Good luck, I hope this works out for you.

overandone posted 9/25/2013 08:27 AM

Count me in with those who would love to work at a local library!
You say you feel jealous when you see an attractive woman apply for work at your H's store,and he feels the same about you working. Sounds like neither of you have much trust. He's cheated on you which makes you feel insecure, and broken trust takes an awful long time to rebuild. Why do you think he doesn't trust you? Have you threatened or thought about a RA? He might think you're thoughts are going there even if they're not. This really needs working through, maybe with MC, as continued suspicion of each other's motives will eat away at the heart of your relationship.
But I don't see he has any right to stop you applying for a job, 15 years as a SAHM is plenty. I did it too,for probably as many years, and it feels great to get out into the big wide world again and spend more time interacting with other adults for a change.

PrincessPeach06 posted 9/25/2013 09:19 AM

Thank you all for the wonderful advice :)

He has never trusted me, ever. :(. And now he recognizes it is due to his FOO and past relationship issues. He claims I am the only one he trusts now but I truly feel he still does not. I am 100% willing to work in our M as long as he does the work as well. I have never threatened a RA, in fact I have told him many times despite everything he has done to me I could never wish this hell on anyone else, especially him. However, I am tired on living with any thought of him not trusting me because I feel I have done nothing to deserve anything but 100% trust from him. Hell, the time I got a message on Facebook from an old boyfriend I deleted it and went straight to him!

GraceisGood posted 9/25/2013 11:30 AM

You have two separate issues going on here:
1- working to provide yourself and you children with security
2- H not trusting you (due to no fault of your own)

1- working - In our case, my H realizes that I now need to be able to take care of myself, if I need to go back to school, or if I need to get a job, or a new job, or whatever I need to make sure that irregardless of him I and the kids will be fine. He had the chance for us to be a "team" in this area, I was a full fledged partner, but he was not, he lost that privilege of his own choice, I did not take it from him, he threw it away, as your H did. So, I see it that your H has to work on this area. All you need to do is do what you need to do, do not take on his issues, they are not yours to solve. If he acts childish, I would just ignore that, and do what I need in a polite manner.

2- trust: you have NO control over this, you not applying for a job or staying an at home mom will not do anything to help him trust you. You can do nothing to build his trust because you have always been trustworthy and he still does not trust, it is about him, not you, again, this is not your issue to deal with, it is his.

All you have to do is choose how to react/respond to his "issues" when they flow into your world, you do NOT have to take them on, you do NOT have to coddle them and so on, being respectful, but setting up boundaries so he realizes they are his issues to deal with sound good to me.

BTW I too was a SAHM and am finding it very difficult to get employment that is worth my time, even with schooling, it is very competitive out there and things have changed greatly in the last 15-20 years, if you get an opportunity, I would advise you to take it.


BeyondBreaking posted 9/25/2013 11:42 AM

It sounds like he is being manipulative and isolating you. If you need him, and depend on him for income and everything else, he can do whatever he wants to, right?

Get the job. You have every right to have it. He needs to support you. Even if there are a lot of freaks at the library, you have never given him a reason not to trust you so he should support your decision.

Dare2Trust posted 9/25/2013 14:04 PM


You have every RIGHT to seek and secure a job....
Your WH has no right to hold you back, because of his own issues and insecurities.
I'd sugguest your husband seek Individual Therapy/Counseling and address: WHY he had an affair in the first place...and WHY he feels jealous and threatened by your desire to work outside the home.

ophelia24 posted 9/25/2013 17:20 PM

He is projecting his own waywardness onto you because there is a part of him that would love to find you out in some dodgy behaviour. Because this would then exonerate him of his own behaviour. He could then avoid looking hard at himself and instead say "Aha, you are no better than me". I could be wrong of course, but as a WW, I have felt this way myself. It's a common behaviour from WW to not trust our partners even if they have never betrayed us. And that is because we can not trust ourselves. It is not pleasant to feel this way, or to be the one subjected to it. And it's immature behaviour. Which of course makes sense, as affairs are immature and selfish too. Its all connected I reckon.

letitout posted 9/25/2013 18:53 PM

I just want to say that I was a SAHM for the past 10 years. After dday I found I needed independence from my H. I got a job last week and it is very hard, scary and I'm completely out of my comfort zone. But, it feels so good to finally break free of depending on my H for everything. I am finding myself again. Take care and good luck to you.

AmIBroken posted 9/27/2013 08:15 AM

I understand completely about being a SAHM and trying to get back into the work place. You have tons of skills good grief 6 kids is like being an unpaid and under appreciated daycare provider.

The titles you have are endless, domestic engineer after all you kept the house in order. You are an expert in damage limitation and control. Social event planner, scheduler. You will I am sure have bandaged injuries and nursed sick kids.

People do not always appreciate the patience it takes to be at home all day every day with the kids. The isolation that can come with it and the lack of intelligent conversation at times. Husbands are great, but, after they have been at work all day they often do not want to enter into a deep or stimulating conversation, we are left with no conversation above the age level of the oldest child.

I think a part time job in a local library that close to home would be perfect for you, plus no travel costs for getting to and from work. Good reasons for doing this include but are not limited to finally being able to get out of the house, doing something for you, just being you instead of someones wife or someones mother, you will have other people around you so you can have conversations with grownups. Money you make may not be much but you will feel you are contributing to the family, your hubby will start to realize that you are a real person again and not just the unpaid help. Do not think of what you don't have, think of the time at home with the kids as continued learning. How many times did you learn something new when you were taking care of the kids? How many illnesses did you prevent from spreading through the entire family because you quickly recognised one of the kids was coming down with something and acted quickly to treat it? How many times did they ask questions that we have to google the answers to? You were never able to sit down with a nice hot meal or hot drink and finish it while it was still warm because someone always needed something. The kids are in school, now is the time to do something for yourself, a job that you enjoy will make it well worth all the years of waiting. If hubby wants to get snippy about it just remember, he is jealous, you are working towards a job that you will enjoy, he may be in a job that he doesn't really enjoy but the pay is good. You will meet a wide variety of the population he is probably limited to people in his company.

Go for it. It will help you to regain all the confidence you lost being at home for such a long time. You are important to, just think back to all the situations you found yourself in with the kids solving problems, settling disputes, locating lost toys, shoes, clothes, school books the list is endless. You can do this, believe in yourself.

[This message edited by AmIBroken at 8:18 AM, September 27th (Friday)]

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