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heartbrokeninaz posted 9/25/2013 07:53 AM

Found out 07/30/13 that my spouse was cheating. I was messing around on his facebook and saw a message pop up. Low and behold he was messaging someone that we both know. I confronted him and he lied. It still did not feel right so I checked our phone bill. 100's of texts to this person. I confronted him again with proof from his phone(he didn't delete the texts off his history) and he admitted it. We have been married for 17 years, together 22. We have a 5 year old. I knew he hadn't been happy for the last year but I really hadn't changed anything. I am not blaming myself for this but I should have seen the warning signs. He only talked to her for 2 weeks and slept with her once. He is remorseful and is great about talking about it with me if I need to. I can tell it causes him much pain also. He has severed all contact from her. I just feel so unbelievable that this could happen after so many years together. Some days I just want to run off screaming. We do actually look at each other now when we speak. We do hold hands more. He buys me flowers. I feel like we are husband and wife now, not roomates. The sex is incredible (although I am not sure if that is because I can't stop thinking about the OW and its like a competition) He said he coulnt even finish with her. He said it was the worst mistake times a million in his life. I just can't stop feeling like I can't trust him though. How do I get past this? I believe he has never strayed before and I believe he never will again. Our marriage is more loving then it has been in probably 10 years now. I just can't shake these awful thoughts of them together. Help!

1Faith posted 9/25/2013 09:33 AM

For now, please take good care of you.

The shock of infidelity can cause PTSD. It takes such a heavy toll on the betrayed. What you're feeling is normal, awful but normal. Sometimes it takes months to begin to process it all.

Do what you need to do to heal yourself. Be kind to you now. If you can go to IC, it helps a lot.

Please remember - it is your WH's job to fix himself. You can't fix him because you didn't break him. You did nothing wrong.

With time, you can work together to fix your relationship and save your marriage if that is what you decide you want.

You don't have to make that decision right now. And just know that any decision you make, you will most likely second guess a hundred times. This will drive you crazy but is completely normal. It is.

Please note that there is no fast tracking healing. You will resent him and you should. He betrayed you.

Don't stuff down your feelings to make things "okay" as they will just erupt further down the road. Be honest with yourself, your feelings and your husband.

Your WH needs to get into IC to do some serious soul searching on why he allowed himself to make a conscious choice to cheat.

You start by taking a deep breath. Collecting your thoughts and defining your boundaries.

This is time for you to define what you will and won't put up with.

Time for husband to buckle up for the rollercoaster ride of emotions he's placed you both on.

Good luck and know we are here for you. You will be okay, I promise.

Good luck and prayers.

PrincessPeach06 posted 9/25/2013 09:51 AM

Your story sounds similar to mine - lots of talking for a few short weeks and sex once.

At first I thought I would be ok and then all hell broke loose. Lots of tears/anger/sadness etc. The best thing I did was begin to work on me and finding my happiness. I also ride the emotions as they come and express to WS exactly how I am feeling and why each time. He holds my hand and works through the pain with me.

There were times where the pain felt almost unbearable and unfortunately you have to ride that out as well. Trust? I'm still working on that one. I think lots of time, transparency and hard work on WS's part in recognizing the "why's" will hopefully get me there someday.

heartbrokeninaz posted 9/25/2013 10:03 AM

He will not go to IC. He is not the kind of person that would go for any reason. That is ok. I just can't shake the feeling that I knew things weren't good and I didn't even try. Like I said he cheated not me so I do not put the blame on me, but I should have at least tried talking to him.

cluless posted 9/25/2013 10:19 AM

Don't feel bad, I actually caught him TWICE slamming his iphone shut and Knew he was cheating on me. But I was sick, going in for yet another surgery, so yes it's bad for him to do sexting, I thought that's all it was, not his old girlfriend he is trying to rekindle his relationship with.

I know he's sorry, but my pain is INCREDIBLE. I've been a wild woman in bed, and I often wonder if it is because I'm trying to prove something, but I feel so much closer to him and I now feel free (in the bedroom or wherever Then comes every other time in my life, it's pure agony. He just sits and hold me while I sob. I can't quite figure out why if he had any love for me at all that he would be so self-centered.

Welcome to the group that nobody wanted to be part of, I'm pretty new at d-day (of all truth) rather than tt.

Take care!

NeverAgain2013 posted 9/25/2013 11:02 AM

He will not go to IC. He is not the kind of person that would go for any reason

You're so busy blaming yourself for HIS behavior that you're allowing him to just slide on by without doing any hard WORK at all.

You say he's "great about talking about it when I want to" which is the very LEAST he can do. If he's not even willing to make an effort by considering some kind of individual or marriage therapy to try to fix what's broken, then he's clearly not willing to do any of the heavy lifting in this reconciliation. Buying roses and holding your hand are hardly huge efforts on his behalf, heartbrokeninaz.

You need to stop blaming yourself for his bad decisions because it sends a message to him that he can pretty much go and do this again because he won't be held accountable for his actions.

There has to be TRUE consequences for him for this type of behavior. To just smoothe it over for him because he bought you roses and holds your hand just tells him how easy it is to be forgiven by you. Alot of these guys don't truly understand the SCOPE of the devastation they've caused until they actually get to personally experience what it feels like to possibly lose their wife, their family, their home, and everything in their lives as they've known it. Sometimes only THEN are they able to understand the depth of the devastation they've caused.

I hate to say it, but with you so busy blaming yourself for the poor state of your marriage, in essence, you're telling him it was understandable why he did what he did. Now all he has to do is buy you flowers and hold your hand and everything he's done has been erased - except you're left feeling completely insecure now, which is totally understandable.

Unfortunately, you never get the real story when D-Day comes. I've lost count of how many other cheating husbands have claimed they only had sex 'once' with the other woman, or that they 'couldn't finish' with the other woman, or that they 'threw up' when it was all over.

That's the only one your husband didn't claim - the throwing up part. But everything else about his story is as typical as it gets for a man caught cheating. I'd guard my heart because it's more than likely you'll find out down the road that his story wasn't quite the whole truth.

Your suddenly passionate sex life is known as 'hysterical bonding.' That's when a couple going through the devastation of betrayal will sometimes renew their sex lives with a passion and vigor they never thought possible - and part of it can be attributed to the betrayed spouse wanting desperately to reconnect with their wandering spouse and/or a desire to 'reclaim' their spouse once more. It usually is only temporary and things start to cool down after a while.

Please know that there probably isn't a betrayed spouse on this EARTH who was able to trust their spouse right after D-Day. This type of thing erodes ANY trust you had in your spouse up to that point, and shakes the very foundation of your being. You'd be very smart NOT to trust your spouse as he has to spend a long time EARNING it back.

Regardless of your role in the degradation of your marriage prior to his affair, rebuilding trust in him all over again is on HIS shoulders to make happen, NOT yours.

Good luck to you.

1Faith posted 9/25/2013 14:52 PM

He will not go to IC. He is not the kind of person that would go for any reason. That is ok

No it is not. It is only okay if you allow it to be okay.

IF he truly wants to salvage your marriage and you want him to go to IC to figure out why he allowed himself to cheat, then him not going is certainly NOT okay. It is selfish and self serving. Just like the affair was selfish and self serving. Pattern of behavior that HIS needs come first.

I just can't shake the feeling that I knew things weren't good and I didn't even try

And how exactly did he try? Did he try getting closer to you by having an affair?

Yes, you each have ownership of the status and state of your marriage but you have zero responsibility for the affair. His choice. His conscious choice.

Gently, you are trying to justify why this happened so you can reconcile in your mind why you are staying...

I should have seen the warning signs

You loved and trusted your husband so you weren't looking for warning signs. Don't beat yourself up over this. It is counter productive.

Now is YOU time if you choose. You decide what you will and won't accept.

Your mind movies will last for some time and they will hit you out of no where. Like being hit with a MAC truck.

Please consider IC for yourself so you can decide what is best for YOU going forward. You don't have to settle and there is no fast tracking your healing.

On average 2-5 years.

Good luck. Hugs and prayers.

heartbrokeninaz posted 9/25/2013 18:53 PM

It was in fact once. I know that for absolute sure. He has been completely honest even down to the last morbid detail that I wanted to know. I do not believe in counseling either, so to ask him to go seems rather silly to me. He does know without a doubt if it EVER happened again there would be no coming home to me or our son. I am not blaming myself. He did it because he did not care at that point if we were married or not. I honestly did not care either. We had zero communication. It is his fault and his fault alone. Do not think that I am just giving him a green light. He is aware of the consequences believe me. Not every couple handles things the same way. I am in love with him and I can honestly say that now. I couldn't a year ago.

1Faith posted 10/2/2013 16:27 PM

You are correct. Every couple has their own journey. Everyone's circumstances are unique.

Although you will find here and elsewhere many stories of infidelity do have common threads. Threads that we don't always want to see.

Communication, transparency and trust are key to any type of healthy relationship.

I wish you luck and all the happiness.

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