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lostcovenants posted 9/25/2013 09:54 AM

I am hoping to hear from other LDS who are dealing with a cheating spouse.

nowiknow23 posted 9/25/2013 13:03 PM

I know there are other LDS members here, lostcovenants. Bumping in the hopes they'll see your thread and respond.

endlessabsurdity posted 9/25/2013 15:11 PM

lostcovenants, I sent you a private message.

lostcovenants posted 9/26/2013 22:35 PM

Thanks endless, I really need help getting a handle on the Christian perspective of this. I am so heart broken. Am I expected to endure to the end of this mess?

kickboxer posted 9/27/2013 01:30 AM

Hi LostC,

I was raised LDS, but left the church when I was 23. My parents had a temple marriage, and ultimately infidelity led to their divorce. My grandfather also left his eternal bride for a younger woman - abandoned his family, and raised her children instead.

While I do not have experience with temple marriage myself, I do understand the unique perspective that LDS culture brings to the conversations happening here.

I would encourage you to read through the Healing Library and find comfort in the stories of others...please know that you aren't alone on this journey.

I haven't been here very long, but do remember this thread, and perhaps it might help you find other likeminded connections:

God Bless.

forced2moveon posted 9/27/2013 01:35 AM

I was raised LDS and have since left the church. My parents were married in the temple. When my mother found out, she went to the bishop and father for excommunicated.

fadedrainbow posted 9/27/2013 04:54 AM

(((lostcovenants))) Although I did not join the church when the rest of my family did all my sisters are LDS. One had a cheating husband, they are divorced now. To answer your question, do you have to endure to the end of this mess. I would say no. If your wish is to reconcile it will take the same work that any of us have to do. Right now, your H needs to step up to the plate. I am hoping your Bishop will be able to help you. I hope you want to survive and thrive the rest of your life, not endure, sounds like misery. I am so sorry you are hurting.

Fianna posted 9/28/2013 00:20 AM

Hi! I just signed up and saw your post, I am an active LDS mother of six with 2 sons currently on a mission. I experienced DD2 about 6 weeks ago... I think I can help a little, if anything I can listen! :)

doesitgetbetter posted 9/28/2013 11:03 AM

I'm LDS. Temple marriage and all. You can read the details of my timeline in my profile by clicking on the smiley face to the right side of the screen on my post. We are almost 6 years out from DDay, and things are amazing. However, that is only because my H worked hard to figure out what his issues were, work on those issues, and help me deal with the reality of what his actions did to our lives and my emotions.

There are some LDS books out there dealing with infidelity, I'd be happy to give you titles of some if you'd like. Some are even good for the remorseful FWS who is ready to hear about working on themselves and moving forward in life.

LC, I know it seems overwhelming and traumatic and out of control. Time will help give you the distance you need from the trauma, and talking about it will help you process the infidelity and accept it, and MC/IC reading books, etc. will help you work on healing your M after all this. Your WH has to be 100% in on this though, you can't do any of this alone. Pray often, and never forget that Heavenly Father loves you, He knows what you're going through, and He is always there to comfort you. He has never forsaken you and never will. Sadly, our WS's have their own free agency and they have chosen to use it in the wrong way... that is on THEM, not on Heavenly Father.

It will get better LC, I can promise you that. I communicate with a few LDS people on here and they are all getting stronger each and every day. Not all of their marriages are working out the way they want, but they are all getting stronger and healing every day. Feel free to PM me anytime you would like.


RippedSoul posted 9/28/2013 11:24 AM

I'm active LDS, too: 22-year temple marriage, 4 children BIC. Never thought this could happen to us. Divorce? Maybe. Infidelity? Never. I tough to wrap my brain around.

Likewise, reconcile? Maybe. Endure? Never. I am a daughter of a Heavenly Father who loves me. And I'm worth more than that.

To be more precisely honest, though, reconciliation does take endurance. We have to endure heartache and trust issues and fog and slips--but only with a truly penitent spouse committed to his own recovery and ours. Does that make sense?

Sometimes, we LDS tend to isolate ourselves on SI and communicate via private message. That's okay. To each her own. But I find value in belonging to this sisterhood of betrayed women, too. We have much to teach each other. Besides, sometimes my long-term focus on eternity needs a kick in the pants when it distorts my view of the present. KWIM?

heme posted 9/28/2013 21:14 PM

Im LDS as well, we were sealed together almost 8 years ago. If you need to talk Im here, I just found out as well. Feeling a bit like Im living in an alternate reality right now, did he really do what he did to our family? How could our family mean so little to him.

Skan posted 9/29/2013 02:48 AM

Besides, sometimes my long-term focus on eternity needs a kick in the pants when it distorts my view of the present. KWIM?

An elderly nun once said of the fervent young nuns, who were so full of the glory of God that "they were so focused on heaven, that they were of no earthly use to anyone."

I try to remember that, when I get too much into my head instead of showing by my actions. Or watching anyone else's words/actions. (((hugs)))

lostcovenants posted 9/29/2013 17:36 PM

Attending church by myself is so painful I usually only stay for Sacrament meeting. We had a few sharp words last night because I asked him if he had brought a jacket to an outdoor function-he said to stop smothering/ mothering him. Later when we met friends for supper he was complaining of a toothache and was glad I had thought to grab his pain pills and put them in my purse for him. I'm damned it I do and damned if I don't. It is so exhausting..,

RippedSoul posted 10/3/2013 16:51 PM

Lost, I've had similar conversations with my WH. In our MC, he actually (ironically) used the word "trust" when describing to her how he felt when I don't "trust" his judgment about something. She explained to him that partners of addicts tend to--because they can't control the addict--try to control everything else possible. So she explained that my trying to make sure (to use your examples) that he had a jacket or had taken medicine was just a coping mechanism developed over the years and did NOT mean I didn't trust his judgment.

I had always felt the way you do--damned if I do and damned if I don't. I'd tried to, albeit unsuccessfully, explain it to him, to say I'd prefer to tell him something twice rather than worry about not telling him at all. We have a busy family with his crazy schedule, four active children, and my own activities. I just need the freedom to repeat myself without worrying that someone will get upset that I'm repeating. Is it so hard, I've asked, to just say, SWEETLY, "I know, Mom/Honey. You told me yesterday. Thanks for the reminder."?

Anyway, I've begun to write EVERYTHING on a monster grid calendar on our refrigerator. I try NOT to remind. It's easier with him than with the kids. I pay--often--if they forget something important. He's actually forgotten a couple things I've arranged with him. Once, I asked if he could come home early to pick up a child so that I could attend a retirement party for a coworker who's also the wife of one of his coworkers. He said yes. I did NOT remind him. But when our child asked, in front of my WH, about the pick up that day, I told him it was his daddy's responsibility. WH was quiet for a minute, then he said he'd forgotten, but that he'd take care of it. That has happened another time, too. I think he might prefer reminders, but he's getting what he wanted. As long as his forgetfulness doesn't impact me, then I'm okay with it.

Does any of that make sense? You might think of asking, when you leave for some destination, if he thinks the two of you should take jackets or if it would be handy to have two cars or . . . If he says no, then let him reap the consequences. Let him grow up. If he can't allow you to lovingly try to meet his needs, then don't try to meet them at all. Maybe it truthfully bothers him. If so, then you should stop. Maybe he'll find out that the only reason it bothers him is that he's in the fog still and ANYTHING you do bothers him. Been in that situation. Sometimes it's hard to differentiate. But it's worth it.

[This message edited by RippedSoul at 4:55 PM, October 3rd (Thursday)]

BlueDandelion posted 10/5/2013 09:02 AM

I'm LDS with a temple marriage to an RM, 23 years, 5 kids. My WS left the church about 12 years ago, though, became a very angry atheist, is clinically depressed (and borderline emotionally abusive), and has had multiple affairs over the last 5 years, the most recent one a sexting affair with his ex-girlfriend that I'm not even sure is over. My testimony has been shattered. I don't even known how to move through my days anymore.

doesitgetbetter posted 10/5/2013 09:32 AM

Blue, don't let this affect your own testimony. Your WH clearly has lots of things going on that are not of the teachings. The Church hasn't failed you, your WH has. Everyone has their own free agency, and with that they can do whatever it is they please. They can build others up, they can help others out, they can be an example of Jesus' love..... or they can be a destroyer of others, they can be a crusher of spirits, they can be a murdered of people or their souls. It is not the Church that does that, nor is it Heavenly Father that does that, it is the imperfect human being who chooses to take a very wrong turn.

lostcovenants posted 10/5/2013 17:02 PM

Lost, I've had similar conversations with my WH. In our MC, he actually (ironically) used the word "trust" when describing to her how he felt when I don't "trust" his judgment about something. She explained to him that partners of addicts tend to--because they can't control the addict--try to control everything else possible. So she explained that my trying to make sure (to use your examples) that he had a jacket or had taken medicine was just a coping mechanism developed over the years and did NOT mean I didn't trust his judgment.

^^^^^ this!

He has often called me a control freak - I actually have NO control over anything in my life!

BlueDandelion posted 10/6/2013 10:07 AM

Thanks, Doesitgetbetter. I hold on to words like that--force myself to remember that God is loving, that it is my husband's complete abandonment of gospel principles that in part has led to the choices he's made. (He's a firm believer, for example, in open marriages--and is frustrated that I don't condone multiple relationships with consenting adults.) It is incredibly difficult to live with him. My testimony was rock solid, when I was younger. (Read all the standard works as a teenager; seminary, institute graduate, etc.) Then, in college, I fell in love with a nonmember. He was this remarkable person--and we desperately wanted to get married. But my P. blessing said to marry in the temple. I walked away from this guy because he wasn't Mormon only to marry a Mormon who, within a few years, started to descend into atheism. My husband not only became an atheist, he became a bitter, angry man who regularly mocks my faith. THEN, you add his infidelity to the mix and I come back over and over to the question of why God would instruct me to marry him over the other guy, who, while not a member, at least loved the part of me that believed. As the marriage has become increasingly destructive and painful, my testimony has become weaker. I do go to church every week. I pray. I read scriptures. I hold a T. recommend. I am doing everything I can to hold on, but in the face of such unhappiness, I am struggling.

heme posted 10/7/2013 07:53 AM

Something Ive learned is that the Lord loves us but he can't take someone else's agency away from them. Even if it causes us pain. In an ideal world you would get married in the temple and have a beautiful relationship that will last eternity and bring nothing but happiness. Unfortunately this is not an ideal world, its a fallen world. We have to deal with other's improper decisions, especially those that cause us the most pain. That doesn't mean that the Lord doesn't love us, he still does.

One thing Ive learned through all Ive been through (not only the A but all the other craptasitic things of life) is that the one person who knows and understands what Im going through is Jesus. He suffered for all of our sins and because of that no matter what pain I am in I can turn to him and he understands.

lostcovenants posted 10/7/2013 11:27 AM

Thank you to all who have responded. I really appreciate your support and ideas. My testimony is strong, but I am unable to pray very much as I feel so despondent it is hard to keep a coherent idea in my head. I've been to the temple once since D-Day and it helped give me some peace. It's about a four hour drive for me, so I need to plan to go again soon.

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