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Such a looooong process

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Stillhurt123 posted 9/25/2013 11:33 AM

I'm almost at the 2 year mark for my first DDay.

When I look back, we've come such a long way in some ways...but not far enough in others.

From an A perspective do I think FWH is cheating? Probably not (I'll never say no)....

Do I obsess over it, worry about it? Nope...I check once in a while to make sure he's above board, but that's it. Frankly that's his worry not mine. He can own that part of it.

In that I think I came such a long way - to be able to live my life and not worry if he's cheating or not...I 'trust' him enough, he gives me no reason to suspect, he goes above and beyond to prove he's NOT cheating, so that's good enough to me. I have my back up plan should I evern need to enforce my deal breaker.

Do I think we are happier, closer and more in love now than ever? Frankly? NO.

I think the problem is 80% me.

My little family is going through a very difficult time (not A related). It is so difficult that I don't even know how to ask for help because I don't know what help I need. I'm under pressure, under stress and I am disconnecting from everyone.

I'm watching myself screaming at myself on the inside telling myself to get engaged. I'm here (physically), I am doing everything, dragging the kids around, getting stuff done, working etc. I"m there...but I'm so distant in every aspect of my life.

I'm not happy :(

Deep down a lot comes back to the A. The OW just went on with her life posting pics about herself, all happy etc....then here I am, miserable and looking at pics of someone who shouldn't matter to me.

It's like, I need someone to reach inside me and turn on the happy switch. It's time...I can visualize it, see it, but can't reach it.

My FWH is burning out, he has turned into Super Dad/Hubby in many ways, and now it is wearing on him. We have both had to step up and take more on due to the added stresses (non A related) that have entered our lives....

But, everything is telling me to GO to my husband and I am still sitting back watching. My FWH needs his wife now....He needs that bubbly happy go lucky person that I used to be. He needs the energetic person to get him back to the gym and laugh all night with.

I need that person back too. I need ME back. what is stopping me from just wrapping my arms around him, pampering him and giving him the security and comfort that I need to give him? It's time to turn the page, drop the past and just move forward with my FWH.

Sometimes I can just feel that switch in my fingers...but something keep stopping me from just turning the happy on...

This migh sound insane to all of you, does anyone relate?

struggling3 posted 9/25/2013 12:48 PM

Can I ask you if you ever have that happy feeling...that things feel really good between the two of you? I get that this is a long process and all people recover at different rates. I think you do have to see some progress in things feeling good though. Could you possibly feel that this whole thing is a deal breaker for you and just afraid to make the break? If not, then have you talked to an IC to try to dig and see what is going on? I'll tell you...I couldn't get through the lows and triggers and bad spots if I didn't have real progress with feeling happy and connected. I wish I had better advice for you...your post made me sad for you...I hope some time will help you.

rachelc posted 9/25/2013 13:15 PM

I'm not happy :(

could have written nearly all of this post. Today, my IC challenged me to be happy no matter what fWH is up to. That I'm way too dependent on his actions...

I hate it when things make sense logically but you just can't do it. I CAN SO relate!

Stillhurt123 posted 9/25/2013 22:21 PM

Thanks so much for the replies.

struggling3 - there is for sure progress. We went through our honeymoon phase of course, for a good year almost where EVERYONE wanted to be just like us. My FWH stayed on course, doing more and more and more every day. Buying flowers and really trying. I am the one who veered.

I think it comes down to tough times. It's my Mom who is very ill and I'm struggling with that, she is still young. And FWH has been GREAT. But I go back to all of it and just think what's the point.

I think even if we broke up I'd still be sad...I think now it's a problem with me. I wonder if I use the A as a crutch (as weird as that sounds)? Something to hang my hat on?

We were going to IC/MC but eventually we didn't seem to need it, we probably should have gone back now but my son is eating up all our funds with his needs, so we just have to put that on hold.

((rachelc)) - I hope you feel better soon.....

I think your IC is right. We need to just be happy, every day every minute it is just a choice. Just like love, a choice. Maybe I'll chose to be happy tomorrow :) For now I am chosing to go to bed!!

mamak posted 9/26/2013 02:08 AM

I could have written this entire post as well. Even down to the sick family member (my MIL has cancer).

crossroads2010 posted 9/26/2013 04:56 AM

I think you are having one of those times (they come and go for me) when you look at everything and think "Is this as good as it gets?"

First...STOP looking at her on fb...make yourself stop and at some point you will not even be able to bring yourself to look.

I am going through one of those times also when life and responsibilities are SO overwhelming I find myself "checking out" sometimes...then I wonder if my "not being there for him will send him running back to her....then I stop myself b/c I should never feel threatened like that. Life by itself is exhausting at plus the aftermath of an A is REALLY exhausting....

Happy has to come from within...I am not really there yet either. I try to focus on the little happy walks, kids, grandkids...and not worry about the big picture which is still a little unclear to me.

Zayda1 posted 9/26/2013 05:14 AM

Stillhurt I am in the same place as you. It sucks.


unfound posted 9/26/2013 07:57 AM

Oh sweetie . I know exactly what you mean: Sometimes I can just feel that switch in my fingers...but something keep stopping me from just turning the happy on...

Not only is it scary, but along with everything else, it can seem exhausting too. For so long, the A and all the crap that goes along with it and after it has been the norm. In a way, yes, the A is kind of a crutch in the sense that you've protected yourself from further hurt, your emotional being was consumed by it and the happy switch wasn't even in sight much less a thought.

Now that things (in R) are going well, but life is happening, you can see the switch, and WANT to flip it, but don't know how, and probably are pretty apprehensive as to what will happen if you do flip it.

It's okay. It's okay to feel happy. It's okay to feel overwhelmed and frustrated and confused as to why it's so hard to be that person you were and want to be again.

thinking of flipping that switch might make you feel like you're exposing your soft underbelly. Yes, even happiness can feel vulnerable. Holy shit, if I feel happy, then it means that everything is okay, and it's NOT! It can also feel foreign. Is THIS happy? It's not the same as I remember...and I even doing it right?

Don't let it overwhelm you (easier said than done). Take it a little at a time. Take a tiny leap of faith and allow yourself to enjoy something small...if it grows, allow it. If it knocks you on your ass, pull back and know it's still okay.

Turning towards the WS when you feel like turning away is so SO hard. I believe you have to be confident that if you take that leap of faith, even if you fall, you'll be okay. It sounds like the two of you have set the groundwork for it and he's there waiting for you at the end of the fall to catch you. I ran up to the edge of my own leaps of faith and came to a screeching halt so many times that I wore a rut in the ground. I could see it, I could TASTE it, but something was stopping me. And it was ME.

I figured out (with some great friends here) that all those leaps, all those switches didn't have to be monumental and "all in" leaps. I could take tiny ones, I could do it a little at a time. I could experience happy a little at a time and then let it grow. I wanted it all and and I wanted it right fucking now, but it didn't work like that for me. I couldn't make the conscious choice to be happy. Just wasn't my path or my ability. I found my own way there, and so will you Stillhurt123 .

It IS a long process. And sometimes we need to replace our switches with dimmers until we're ready for the brightness of the bulb.

[This message edited by unfound at 8:01 AM, September 26th (Thursday)]

dontdeserveit posted 9/26/2013 16:05 PM

I get exactly what you are saying. I wonder if I will ever really be happy again.

My husband was diagnosed with throat cancer shortly after DDAY. Last summer was spent doing chemo and radiation. On Tuesday, we discovered his cancer has returned and now is in one of his lungs.

I know its selfish, but I think "WOW. He spent the last GOOD times of his life having an affair". Because of his diagnosis, we really did have to concentrate on making him healthy. Subsequently, "ME" was put on the back burner. I am beginning to be resentful that this horrible diagnosis has completely overshadowed his affair.
I am no longer the happy smiling person I once was. And when I do smile, it's just a mask to hide the hurt.

rachelc posted 9/26/2013 16:32 PM

good God, dontserveit - what a curveball life has thrown you.
Hugs to you!!

Stillhurt123 posted 9/27/2013 22:22 PM

Mamak- I'm so sorry to hear about your MIL. It is so difficult. I hope she gets better. You are in my prayers.

Crossroads- thank you do much for your words of wisdom and encouragement. You are so right. I will stop looking at her FB page right now. It is just not healthy and doesn't help anything. It is scary to move into a new chapter. You really described it well. You r right. It doesn't have to be big. Just baby steps. I'm ready to stop letting the A define my marriage. I just read this horrible book called heart of the matter by Emily Griffith. One of those no brainier books I read once in a while. It was so painful to read but some of it was so true. (some really not). But they said forgiveness is about grace. I don't know if I will forgive, but I can at least move through the rest of my life with grace. ((crossroads)) I'm thinking about you on this journey we call life :-)


((dontdeserveit)) it is ok to think about yourself. I really hope things get better. Pls be gentle with yourself.

Teach8 posted 9/28/2013 06:36 AM

Stillhurt...I get it too. Always searching for happy. I have noticed that ever since dday, I don't handle the curveballs life throws at us well anymore. I used to be great at dealing with stress...face the problem, make a plan, fix it...that kinda thing. Now added stress seems so hard to deal with. Sometimes I think that I was so used to dealing with everything alone that I'm not sure I know how to be a team with my fwh.

Unfound...that is some of the best advice I've read. Printing this out so I have it. Thank you.

Dontdeserveit...I am so so sorry.

LadyYoga posted 9/28/2013 07:57 AM

Too all of you "searching" for happiness. I was there too. Not too long ago. Then, I made a choice to be happy. I decided that every day, I was going to do something that made ME happy. Work out, go to lunch w a friend etc. in May, I sort of ran away. I needed to get away so, I didn't ask permission, I told my h I was going. It didn't go over well at all but, he got the picture and it was the best thing I ever did for myself. It is definitely work. But, we work so hard to make everyone else happy, the phrase "if momma ain't happy ain't nobody happy" is so true. So FOCUS your efforts on making momma happy. Make a list of what will make you happy and go for it. I quit my job, started working out regularly etc. I am finally getting to happy after almost four years of this shitty roller coaster!

Stillhurt123 posted 9/28/2013 08:41 AM

Unfounded. I am making this my day 1. When I feel that scared ball in my stomach I will ignore it. I will just make myself go for it. :-) thank you!!

Teach8 we will get there. I think I need to re-set my life. Our myself back on the path where I find my goals and start achieving them.

Momof3gbb. Thanks for the advice. I'm happy for you. Finding happy is not easy. I am glad you had the courage to make the changes needed to get there. I will think about this a lot

sisoon posted 9/28/2013 09:45 AM

He needs that bubbly happy go lucky person that I used to be.

Gently, he needs the real you, not you playing a role.

I'm very sorry you're going through difficult times. Relying on each other is the best way to get support now, and it's the best way through the problems.

Just tell your H that 1) you feel overstressed, 2) you don't know exactly what's bothering you, 3) you don't know how to handle where you are, 4) you thought he'd want to know, and 5) you'll let him know more as you find out.

Maybe he feels the same. Maybe he knows you're disconnecting but can't break through or is afraid to try.

IME, it's helpful for me just to acknowledge that I'm a bit stuck. It's been helpful for my W to hear it. It's very helpful for her to say and for me to hear, 'When you know what you need, let me know.'

We're all works in progress, and sometimes the progress seems too slow. But maybe one of the most important benefits of the M partnership is that we have someone who will simply be with us during the stuck points.

Being a good partner is, I think, less about pampering than about being real. You can't laugh all night if your energy is being drained by day to day stress - but being together and telling each other what you're thinking and how you're feeling is a good way to get and give support, and that does wonders. Talk with your H. Admit you're just a human being, not super-woman.

Acknowledging where you are is an absolutely crucial step in getting were you want to be.

Show your H how to be a good partner - rely on him. Give him a chance to be reliable. know all this. What are you telling yourself that keeps you from approaching your H? What do you need to tell yourself that will overpower the 'don't be close' messages?

Again, I'm really sorry you're going trough this.

eachdayisvictory posted 9/28/2013 09:57 AM

I have to say that I relate to everything you said, and that I want to mirror what some people already said. DON'T LOOK AT HER PICTURE EVER AGAIN!!!! I stopped about a month ago and fessed up to my fWH, and it has been the biggest change in how I feel yet. It's freedom. It's letting yourself discover who you are. When I stopped looking at her FB page and told people that I needed help to stop doing it, things started getting much better for me, and my marriage. I'm not saying everything's rosy, but nothing could have convinced me to believe how much damage I was doing by looking at her face until I actually stopped doing it.

Try it. You deserve it.

Fightingmad posted 10/1/2013 14:29 PM

Wow,its not just me. Sisoon as always your words are wise. I too feel unhappy, actually just feel nothing and don't know why, where to turn or how to get out of this "place". I too feel I use the A as a crutch now. I no longer think of her every minute although its always just there in the background. I go through the motions of life (work,kids, workout, cook, shop, pay bills...) but there's no joy. He is there, waiting, wanting to help. I don't know how to explain it to him, what to say,...I don't even know myself. I now feel that the place I'm in will jeapordize the marriage we've worked so hard on over the last year.


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