Thank you everyone! I guess I have been viewing this wrong...really buying into the need to communicate because of business.
I have been told my all three of our counselors that if it is part of his job, he will have to. Thankfully his job has changed and contact can be controlled.
WH's view on her changed in the last MC and that has also helped. My WH has said that he struggles with anyone being that diabolical to do this stuff that he had a hard time believing that there was something evil in her motives.
MC came out and said that she targeted him, found him appealing, broke his boundaries he tried to establish after dday, and likes the control she thinks she has over the situation.
All very calculating.
To answer a question, no...I have never found any text, email, voicemail, letter etc... where there was any romantic feelings expressed. I was able to hear voice mail messages that were deleted from several months prior to dday. Nothing but a casual "Hey, It's just me..."
My WH maintains that they NEVER talked of feelings or how they felt. Thus, why he had a hard time thinking this is an EA. All the definitions say this person is your confidant etc...
However, my WH was spending alot of time with her...always a business reason, but I believe he found more reasons to do business there than may have been necessary. In other words, yes, he was there for business, but if she had been a man, he may have passed on being present for certain meetings etc...
He said he really thought of her as a friend. I know he was attracted to her from the very beginning. They joked around a lot. Alot of picking on eachother and with the group of people they work with. One time she said something like if you were here I would tackle you. I also saw one or two texts where she complained to him in a whiny way which always elicited a response from him that was supportive and building her up or coming to her defense. These were very far and few between. But I would assume where there is smoke there is fire.
After dday, I discovered he spent time with just her in two instances that were kind of business related, but not really. They were very close to dday. One was an activity that was being done with a group and then just the two of them stayed a few hours longer and one was dinner. The dinner was originally for a group of 6, the others cancelled and the decided to go together because they both had to eat. This I could confirm through emails. He lied about doing both. At the time, he lied because he said I would not understand.
At the time, we were very distant. We were barely talking. They were talking a lot and texting a lot. Although the texts were never late at night or on weekends for the most part.
I do think this was headed down a very slippery slope. I question everyday whether it did cross a PA boundary. I do think it is possible and in some ways think it would be easier to handle then.
If it was a PA, there could be nc and definite validation of my feelings. With a PA, it seems you know what needs to be done to move forward.
As it stands, I was feeling a certain way at the time...left out, scared, unloved, not a top priority, that she meant more to him than me...etc
It is hard to move forward because my WH views the whole thing differently. The problem lies in what is an emotional affair really? He says he understands he betrayed me, that he was putting her and other things first, that he was investing time in her he should have been investing in me, but he does not get the magnitude of my hurt. And he maintains that there was never anything romantic between them. However, I cannot crawl in his mind. I do not know what he was really thinking at the time about her and about him. Did she arouse him, plant seeds that he found exciting, look forward to their talks, plan visits to see her? I don't really know.
MC states that the level of betrayal is in the eyes of the betrayed. And all of these things are huge to me because of FOO too.
We will talk with the MC on Saturday in more depth about what to do. He did say on the phone that what she is doing is harassing, but that it is not harassing to those who may look at it without knowing the history.
It is all very sneaky.
Have I mentioned lately that I will be at a business function with this woman for a whole week? Lord, I do not know if I can do it!
[This message edited by brokensmile322 at 9:24 PM, September 25th (Wednesday)]