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olwen posted 9/25/2013 12:16 PM

Hi all,

I am getting really annoyed with H. I don't know if I am pushing him too far or if he just wants me to shut up about the affair.

On my good days he is great but when I get down and want him to explain something he is getting really grumpy and reminding me it's all making him ill.

During the affair he lost 2 stone, lost sleep and has now developed high bp and his migraines are making a return after years of being almost free of them.

Last night I asked him how he could spend all of his time when he was not in the same room texting her. I go to bed at 10 and they text 10-12 every night and through days at weekends too. I don't get how he could do it under our roof when I was there too.

He got really snappy and said when you figure it out let me know cos I have no idea where my head was.

Thing is he gets really cold with me and super defensive. I really get the impression he just wants me to shut up and get on with it. He reminds me all the time I am making him ill by bringing it up and that he is sorry, knows he won't do it again and can't change what he did as much as he would like to.

He wants us to move forward so he can forget and start to heal. He starts to make progress then I ask a question we have been through before and he reminds me we have already discussed this and puts his defences up. He says he understands I need to keep asking stuff and bringing it up but he needs to move past it and focus on the future and he can't when I keep bringing it up.

It doesn't seem fair to me. All this has made me incredibly ill, not playing tit for tat but I have a mental illness as well as physical ones and lost my dad in the middle of it. Where does helping me heal come into it?

He has been great up to now but it's only been 3 months since I got the truth. He seems to think we have covered all we need to and it's time to put it in the past. He scowls anytime it's mentioned and I am starting to withdraw from him again out of resentment that he wants me to put it all behind me for his sake. It was him who caused all this grief!

Rant over - sorry

lostinwashington posted 9/25/2013 12:39 PM

Sorry to hear that. Mine does the same and it's been 3 months since I found out they did sleep together and only 5.5 months since I found the phone calls and texts. I feel like sometimes I do ask the same questions. I think it's because our brains are too full with everything to remember everything. I have to stop him and remind him I didn't do this. If I give him a minute he calms back down. He says all roads in talking lead to her and he would rather talk about us. I have decided today to act as though she is dead. It's been hard with the double betrayal of a friend and spouse. I think we want to know everything and men don't usually share everything. He says I have it all figured out and I debate his answers. I think I'm in the wrong sometimes but I'm not wrong for how I feel and how it makes me feel. He did this I didn't ask for this.

Hang in there I hope as time goes on it gets better for both of us. I try to stay in the happiness because when things are good between us they are GREAT when they are bad they suck.

Blameitontherain posted 9/25/2013 12:44 PM

I understand the need to ask questions and it is still early out for you. Maybe you could talk with him about setting up a time once a week to talk about questions you have?

WH had gotten the same way. My questions were a constant reminder of his shittiest decisions. No one likes to be reminded daily what an asshole they have been. I know that isn't what you are trying to do. You are only trying to process this mess. Write down your questions in a book. When it comes time to talk, break it out and start asking away. With a time being set up, both you an WH will be prepared to dig into it. He needs to give a little by answering questions on that one day a week and you need to give a little and keep it to that one day a week as hard as that will be. Compromise or if you think you need two days a week right now do that. Whatever you two can compromise on and come up with a solution that will satisfy both of you.

[This message edited by Blameitontherain at 12:46 PM, September 25th (Wednesday)]

iwillNOT posted 9/25/2013 12:51 PM

Oh, poor little him! You are SO mean!

Seriously...(((olwen))) he chose to drop an atom bomb on your world. It's his job to help you heal. You get to decide what you need to heal and how long it takes, not him. He has a very selfish attitude right now. You will stop asking questions when you have asked them enough times for your healing, when you reach some acceptance or integration of what happened.

He knew what was happening all along and may be ready to move on, and skip as much as he can of discomfort to him. You, on the other hand, found out after the fact and YOU are the one who was betrayed and hurt.

Please stand up for what you need. For YOU. No one else will do it.

I wish you the best.

Dare2Trust posted 9/25/2013 14:19 PM

olwen,

You asking him questions is making him ill???

OH NO!!!
I don't want to sound mean...but your WH is far far from working on reconciliation!

Can I ask:
What exactly is your WH doing to HELP YOU HEAL from this mess he's made?

You deserve so much more than a grumpy, whiney, husband - who becomes "ILL" when you ask him to explain his affair behaviors!

crazyblindsided posted 9/25/2013 15:02 PM

Please stand up for what you need. For YOU. No one else will do it.

This^^^ Pull up them boots it's time to kick some ...