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Anyone else have a model former wayward?

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Hopefulinva posted 9/25/2013 13:19 PM

My husband has been completely and utterly transparent, remorseful, sorrowful, just perfect

He checks in a zillion times a day with the life 360 ap. spends hours on the phone with me to talk about anything/nothing. I asked him to switch rooms at his hotel, and he did. He's always deleted messages on his phone to save space, but now he doesn't. I know if I asked him to come home every night he would. (he's 3 hours away in school) only to have to get up super early to be back by 6. (I haven't done that,) he's even offered to do so. No TT even when I pushed and pushed for more. I can honestly say and feel he's told me everything.

He is fully engulfed in repairing the damage he has done. Granted he can't be home during the week, he really is trying to make me feel safe and let me know that his trying. That he is doing everything in his power to regain my trust.

It's almost scary how perfect our recovery is going. On my rough days he does everything he can to reassure me. I'm thrilled at his actions.

Can it really be that easy?

Eta. iPad is apparently smarter than me!

[This message edited by Hopefulinva at 1:47 PM, September 25th (Wednesday)]

PrincessPeach06 posted 9/25/2013 13:29 PM

Yes and no

My WS is far from perfect and his behavior leading him to cheat didn't happen overnight and won't be changed overnight. We are talking 30 years of issues.

So while he has gotten to the point of doing everything right as far as recovery I feel as if we are so far from where we need to be that it still hinges upon me calling him a "model" former wayward. And in my mind I believe he is turning from his wayward ways but I still refuse to use the term "former". LOL

***edited because my stupid phone seems to think it knows the words I am using but it doesn't!!!!

[This message edited by PrincessPeach06 at 1:32 PM, September 25th (Wednesday)]

Hopefulinva posted 9/25/2013 13:41 PM

I get what your saying princess.

Don't get me wrong husband is also far from perfect. 2 months ago I never thought I would be in this place. I expected more tall tales, I expected some resistance with my prying,spying, and obsessive questions. I'm getting none. I thought we would be in a horrible place forever. I thought I would be hurting so bad for months, years to come.

I have far more good days than bad ones.

He's really searched his soul where he went wrong. Yes we both contributed to our lack of marriage, but he really and fully knows his choices, his actions, and his stupidity brought on the pain. He hates when I point out that I helped strain the marriage. He accepts that he should have talked to me etc.

Simple posted 9/25/2013 13:42 PM

I think if a fWS found the root cause of why they did what they did and never forget that, the pathway to R is easier, not necessarily smoother but easier.

My FWS, just to give you a background, is mildly bi-polar, had multiple EAs PAs with multiple OW both married and single (some knew he was married/have GF some did not)in an 11 year period from the time we knew each other through marriage.

I wouldn't say recovery was easy... I will say it was "easier" than when a WS is still in the fog or TTs. I mean there were thoughts of suicide on both parties at some point so it's not easy.

I feel that my FWS now is a model one. We've been R almost 6 years now and he still follows the long-term boundaries agreement we enacted.

PrincessPeach06 posted 9/25/2013 13:48 PM

I guess maybe I am too pessimistic for my own good :). As far as transparency he has been great since the day he confessed. One morning I freaked out and ran over to his phone while he was sleeping. He just rolled over and asked "what's wrong"? instead of freaking. That told me he had nothing to freak about. He gave up all his email accounts, Facebook, has started reading, talks with me, etc. but of course it's going to take me a loooong time to accept the "new" him.

Hopefulinva posted 9/25/2013 13:49 PM

Oh wow simple. I'm sorry your road has been a long one. Good to hear your marriage is surviving

Hopefulinva posted 9/25/2013 13:54 PM

Oh yes. Completely understand accepting the new person. Is scary to let your wall down after this crap!

I call it the uninvited wake up call. Sucks that it took something as traumatic as this, when all he had to do was freakin talk to me.

But in my own journey I have learned that the path can't be changed, and I have to learn to accept the good that came from it. And I am working everyday for true trust again. And so is he.

My husband tends to be the pessimist in our house,I try to be the optimist

RidingHealingRd posted 9/25/2013 16:59 PM

I have had a model WH who has been 100% accountable, remorseful, committed to fixing the mess he created. I never experienced false R, or additional Ddays. We are entering year 4 of successful R next month.

I realize that I may have had it easier than some but one thing is for certain I could NEVER EVER say that it was "really that easy"

Even with my model WH, dealing with his A was the hardest, most painful experience of my life. It changed me, my life, my M forever.

Easy? I think not.

thecosmogirl posted 9/25/2013 22:27 PM

Mine was a perfect WH. But then he was also a perfect husband before the A.
I recently took off the rose colored glasses that I always wore when looking at my marriage. Or should I say sham of a marriage.
and his true colors showed very bright not too long ago which has put a huge road block in my want to R
He wasnt the man I thought he was before so how can I talk myself into staying with him now???

Idk....just rambling ....
I hope yours stays just as you see him now :)
Peace to you!!

topperoff22 posted 9/25/2013 22:27 PM

I am having a similar situation and yes I am a pessimist because I keep waiting for the other shoe to drop and more to come out and him to switch back. I know he hides things to protect himself and others. HE will go to a therapist tomorrow for the first time but has already been talking to a MC and one other IC and our pastor, so that shows me he does want to save this marriage. But I'm afraid....afraid to let my guard down in case there is more information out there I"ll learn later and sends me back to square one. My counselor says i shouldn't worry he'll make a fool out of me again. She says: "You're wiser now.." But sometimes I worry that what if I start to trust him too much and ten find out he pulled this gigantic trick on me all over again. javascript:AddSmily(' ')

topperoff22 posted 9/25/2013 22:29 PM

Sorry about the barfing emoticon...that is how it makes me feel when I worry but I didn't meant to put three of them there. :-)

womaninflux posted 9/26/2013 00:37 AM

When I think of what our relationship was like 6 months ago, shortly after dday, and what it is like now, I am stunned at the progress and turnaround of his actions. Since going into treatment for SA at the end of June, he's really turned around...but it's been a lot of stops and starts and shifting gears and stallouts. I don't think he's seen the OW since he finally broke it off in early may but I know he's had a rough time "getting over" his obsession with her and that is annoying. And he's not yet transparent. And he's got a long way to go to prove himself. So we will see...babysteps.

ILINIA posted 9/26/2013 07:27 AM

I feel like I am in this boat. He told me everything as soon as I confronted him, he's been transparent, helpful, open, read's what I want him to, willing to do whatever. He writes me beautiful letters about it is his turn to fight for us and that he will do everything in his power to give me the life I deserve. I would have killed for this pre-A. It hasn't been perfect, as there are times I need to clarify what I mean, but sometimes I think he is just dense :-)

I am completely skeptical at this time. I want to be vulnerable and jump, but my head is telling me to take it slow. I am the "weak link" right now. He seems to understand it all: Why he did this, how it hurt me, how it will take years, and all the light bulbs have turned on for him. I am still hurt and in pain. Like one of the earlier posts, we could have avoided this hell with a conversation. Per our counselor, WH needed a wake-up call/crisis to finally mature. It is just hard to understand.

homefront posted 9/26/2013 10:48 AM

My WH has been a star pupil. He was up front and honest about his A once it was out in the open, did EVERYTHING asked of him, and has made repairing himself and our relationship a consistent priority ever since.

It certainly doesn't make up for what he did, but it gives me a seed of hope that the relationship we can have in the future -- with some of his childhood damage repaired -- will be even better than the relationship we had prior to the A.

SorrowBhindSmile posted 9/26/2013 11:51 AM

i have the exact same feelings. My WH is the picture perfect model of remorseful WH doing all the right things to help us heal together. Sounds EXACTLY like your WH.

But in my own journey I have learned that the path can't be changed, and I have to learn to accept the good that came from it. And I am working everyday for true trust again. And so is he.

After 9 months, i was finally able to say that out loud in MC recently. Its a long road. Some come to this realization faster than others. I am by no means healed, and every day is a struggle....but like you, i feel as tho the good days are starting to outnumber the bad.

Day by day, little by little. Keep working together to rebuild that trust. Kudos to you for your strength.

catlover50 posted 9/26/2013 11:53 AM

Mine took a few months to really open up about everything and since then he has been stellar. Amazing change. Changed in fundamental ways from who he ever was.

Just last night he had a work dinner. He invited me and I stopped by but did not want to stay since the pets had not been fed. He stayed and had to pay, etc. I texted him to see what his ETA was and he did not reply. I called, no answer. I got pissy. He called shortly after to say that his phone had died (some I-phone upgrade!). He told me I should have used find a friend. I told him that I had no doubt in my mind that he was not misbehaving and I didn't. I was just being pissy. He did not get defensive, just apologized and hugged and kissed me.

What a difference.

gutpunch33 posted 9/26/2013 15:04 PM

My wife has absolutely been the model of a remorseful WW. And I have no doubt that she will never, ever do anything like this ever again. In fact, she's been amazing.

But that didn't stop this from being the most painful thing I've every experienced in my entire life. I'm now over a year out and it still hurts/haunts me every day. When I had Testicular cancer 18 years ago, I had the cancerous testicle removed and that saved my life. I don't have cancer anymore and I'm in great health and don't experience any pain. But I have a reminder that I carry with me every day of my life. A scar that will never go away. That is how I imagine the pain caused by my fWW will be years down the road. A scar on my heart that will no longer cause me pain (or threaten to kill me) but that will be an ever present part of my daily life that I will carry around.

SI has been so helpful for me this past 15 months in helping me heal. It really is so true that if you have a sincerely remorseful spouse, that with their help (and a great MC and IC) it really does get better and the pain recedes more and more with each passing day.

Had my spouse not been the model former wayward, I would have been gone a year ago. I can barely handle the one night stand that she did have. If she had rug swept or TT'd me or just downplayed the severity of her infidelity, it would have been a deal breaker for me.

HVA, you seem to have lucked out(perverse logic I know) by having a WW that is really and truly remorseful. Stay vigilant, but also give him the opportunity to prove that he has really changed.

I'm glad I have. I can't imagine my life without my wife.

doesitgetbetter posted 9/26/2013 18:36 PM

Mine was a model FWS. Then 5 months later I found the evidence on my own that he had an A that spanned 18 months with another OW that he failed to tell me about, and that only ended a short time before I found out about his other A's. So don't think it can't happen because he's been so amazing so far, it totally can happen.

After that TT though, he fell right into being the model FWS again. Still, that being said, I wanted to divorce him every single day of months 12-24, and refused to forgive him until 2.5 years out, and wouldn't consider renewing vows with him until over 3 years out, and didn't consider us reconciled until around 4 years out or so. It's a marathon, not a sprint, just be prepared for the down days because, sadly, they will come again.

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