"You give me that bottom of the 9th, last at bat, tied game, grand slam, full of butterflies kind of feeling." - My Husband
Does that ever go away,
I've heard the veterans say "yes". It does. I'm at a point where it's still touch and go. For the most part, it's ok. But triggers/bad days/drama creep in, and everything feels "off" again.
I have need to be punished and I haven't been punished enough.
I'm punished enough, seeing the damage my As caused.
I'm punished enough seeing my children suffer from my crappy decisions.
I'm punished enough for seeing, possibly too late, what I have always dreamed of.
I'm punished enough, waking every morning, knowing I'm the reason he cries, the reason he doesn't believe, the reason he doubts himself, the reason he doesn't believe in himself.
If someone knifed me, it would be a relief. If someone physically tore me down, it would be a relief. The knife wounds would heal. My body may eventually recover.
But there are days I doubt that his heart, his emotions will ever recover. And I'm the cause. That's punishment enough for anyone.
Good moments will turn into a nightmare in the half blink of an eye. That is the trauma after Dday. Even almost 2 years out, we can go weeks and then life slaps us upside the head and we realize that maybe we aren't as healed as we thought we were.
At this point, all I can work on is me. I can only heal half of the "us" factor, and I can't heal him. That is the gruesome reality.
Life is very unfair. And we can take that unfairness and deal with it, work thru it, or we can allow it to swallow us up in a pit of despair and become hardened and bitter.
Fight for your life Joanh. You really are worth it. I didn't believe I was. But I found out otherwise.
"Courage is being scared to death and saddling up anyway." - J. Wayne