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I guess this is what it is. Does anyone else find it strang, that you can do the day to day stuff , you can laugh at each others jokes, you can smile at each other, share knowing looks, and yet there's that something wrong. Not quite right. The testing of waters the second guess , from anything like did I say the wrong thing, should I have not smiled or should I have laughed more, was that really a good together moment or was he somewhere else just putting on a show.
Does that ever go away, I guess I am really stuck right now in the being able to just live and enjoy what life has to offer . To just be , I know this is my issue to figure out. I have need to be punished and I haven't been punished enough. My life is still to good for what I have done. My Bh was just teasing me. Teasing me. Nicely cause he knows I hate the cold and its COLD here. I was outside and he teased me. And I smiled and laughed and crashed! Like really !! I want that to go away. I want to be allright with enjoying life.
What have you all done toget past this or work on this.
I have been to IC its just not the right place here. I might try another town will see.

Does that ever go away,

I've heard the veterans say "yes". It does. I'm at a point where it's still touch and go. For the most part, it's ok. But triggers/bad days/drama creep in, and everything feels "off" again.

I have need to be punished and I haven't been punished enough.

I'm punished enough, seeing the damage my As caused.
I'm punished enough seeing my children suffer from my crappy decisions.
I'm punished enough for seeing, possibly too late, what I have always dreamed of.
I'm punished enough, waking every morning, knowing I'm the reason he cries, the reason he doesn't believe, the reason he doubts himself, the reason he doesn't believe in himself.

If someone knifed me, it would be a relief. If someone physically tore me down, it would be a relief. The knife wounds would heal. My body may eventually recover.

But there are days I doubt that his heart, his emotions will ever recover. And I'm the cause. That's punishment enough for anyone.

Good moments will turn into a nightmare in the half blink of an eye. That is the trauma after Dday. Even almost 2 years out, we can go weeks and then life slaps us upside the head and we realize that maybe we aren't as healed as we thought we were.

At this point, all I can work on is me. I can only heal half of the "us" factor, and I can't heal him. That is the gruesome reality.

Life is very unfair. And we can take that unfairness and deal with it, work thru it, or we can allow it to swallow us up in a pit of despair and become hardened and bitter.

Fight for your life Joanh. You really are worth it. I didn't believe I was. But I found out otherwise.

Does that ever go away

It does - but you both have to do the work in order to reap the benefits.

I have need to be punished and I haven't been punished enough

I think you need to explore this more. Why do you feel you need to be punished? Why do you feel that whatever consequences you are facing now are not enough? What is your "ideal" punishment? What will be accomplished from extensive punishment?

IMO, once you forgive yourself, you won't feel the need to be punished. Don't stop IC - you need it.