I came across this saved in my iPad from nine months ago. Thought I'd share it and something that happened last night.
Nine months ago:
I hate my emotions. I hate crying. I hate feeling insecure. I hate feeling small. I hate feeling disrespected. I hate feeling insignificant. I hate feeling hurt. I hate feeling sad. I hate feeling not good enough. I hate feeling like I don't matter. I hate having to remind my husband to be nice. I hate having to remind my husband to think of me, make me a priority. He should be doing those things on his own. I feel pathetic. I ask, ask, ask, remind, remind, remind.
When I express how I feel and he thinks its not important, I am met with anger and hostility or silence. There is no understanding, no compassion, no worry for what I am feeling. Instead it is all about him. How dare I feel what I feel? How dare I express it? Maybe if I get angry with her, she will stop. It won't stop. I am drowning in emotions and you can't be bothered to throw a lifesaver. I am asking, begging, and pleading with you to make me a priority. This is what I am reduced to, it's humiliating!
Why am I not a priority? Why are my feelings not considered? Why do I not feel valued? Why do I not feel cherished? Simple.... You. Your choices are exactly that - your choices. When I am not thought of, considered, it reinforces all of the doubts. Doubts that are magnified x1000 after the discovery. Why do I want to be with someone who can't think of me? Why do I want to be with someone who can't understand how much I am hurting FROM THEIR SELFISH ACTIONS and be there for me? Even after all this shit, I still am not a priority. He makes himself a priority. He makes himself more important than me. Maybe I should take a page from him and make only myself a priority?
I can't handle it, I just can't. I don't know how many times I have to say it until I am taken seriously. My words mean nothing. Every time an angry exchange happens, I am pushed right back to the starting line of healing. It breaks me to the core, reopens the wound. How many more times can I be broken? By the time I am taken seriously, the damage may be too great. There are no do overs then. There are no more I will try tos then. Just done ness.
Last Night: via text
I asked WH what he would do if he ran into ow? (She is in another state so the likely hood is minimal. WH is currently traveling in that state.) Fifteen minutes goes by with no response. I send something sarcastic and mean. WH replies was that sarcastic. I said yes. He replies I am sorry baby. I really am trying. I went off about his lack of response to an important question. I get a screen shot. He did reply to my question but I never received it. Normally me being sarcastic and going off on him would start a big fight. It didn't.
I hurt reading how hurt I was nine months ago. I am still hurt but I am in a completely different place. I am glad that I feel like my WH is there with me now. More work to be done but it is amazing what 9 months can do.
[This message edited by Blameitontherain at 2:26 PM, September 25th (Wednesday)]