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I don't look at him the same

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suposd2btheonly1 posted 9/25/2013 14:32 PM

Lately when I look at my WH I feel like I'm looking right through him. It hasn't been a full two months since D-day and the hatred isn't going away. I just keep seeing him with her. I feel uncontrollably angry. I've attacked him physically and verbally. I don't feel one bit bad about anything I have said or done to him. To me, in my mind, he deserves anything and everything I throw at him. It doesn't matter how remorseful he is or how much he cries, I'm angry and I want him to hurt just as bad, if not more, than I do. I don't care what anyone says, emotional pain is much much worse than physical pain. I don't know how this is ever going to be better and I know it won't be the same. Why did he do this? He's the biggest idiot I know, only a compete idiot would compromise his family. I feel like I've married the worlds biggest loser when not to long ago I thought he was such a great catch. I was so wrong, so stupid to trust him....

Marathonwaseasy posted 9/25/2013 14:39 PM

Just wanted to send hugs
I haven't got angry yet with my wh. But I'm not even 2 weeks post dday yet. I don't allow myself to feel anger usually so I'm going to have to address that in IC.
But whatever you and I have every right to be angry. How is he responding to the anger?
What do you want to do for you as well as for your M?
Take care

suposd2btheonly1 posted 9/25/2013 15:00 PM

He allows me to be angry. But there are times I get mad bc he says things like "can we please not talk about this anymore?" and "I don't want her I want you, I've always wanted you I just made a terrible mistake". I think well if you always wanted me why were you with her? And I want to talk about it, he put me in a competition I knew nothing about, so yeah I get mad.

I want to work it out, of course there are days I think I'm a complete fool for wanting him still. Who earns complete trust and then shatters it??

We have four children, all boys, and I damn sure don't want them to think cheating is okay. But I damn sure don't want them to be without their father. I know it's too soon to make any decisions but I wish I could just decide. One minute I want him gone then I can't see myself without him, that has to count for something right??

thinmint posted 9/25/2013 15:13 PM

"I beg have patience with everything unresolved in your heart and try to love the questions themselves as if they were locked rooms or books written in a very foreign language. Don't search for the answers, which could not be given to you now, because you would not be able to live them. And the point is, to live everything. Live the questions now. Perhaps then, someday far in the future, you will gradually, without even noticing it, live your way into the answer."
--Rainer Maria Rilke

MJane posted 9/25/2013 16:10 PM

Hi there I am only three weeks in but have days I feel the same. Today I was cleaning up the side room where I have lots of albums and frames and I had stashed wedding pictures there. Seeing there made me so sad and angry. Less than three years after taking those vows he starts a long affair with someone and turns his back on me and the new son. I question why I am still here with him when he betrayed everything we stood for as a couple and family. He led a double life and made me a peripheral part of his....I dreamt of being someone's soulmate and the person they couldn't live without and instead I am this - a betrayed wife

Littleleaf posted 9/25/2013 16:24 PM

You are not the only one to feel the rage.
I am in the rage stage.
He disgusts me. When he opens his mouth to apologize, I want to smack him, hard. I too want him to suffer, to hurt, to be in as much agony as I am.
Our son is 8 months old.
OW baby did not survive.
I lose my self in my fury.
I too do not muzzle my revulsion, my horror, my frustration.
I am still with him, and I feel as if staying gave him a "pass'....
But, I know it should pass.
What is beyond, I am not sure.
I pray that it is peace, but burning in the mouth of hell - is part of the process.
huggs..and best wishes.

topperoff22 posted 9/25/2013 22:36 PM

I know! When my WH says "I'm here with you..I'm not with her...apparently that means nothing" I want to scream "I don't know what the hell it means since you called her your angel, were going to fly to see her and screwed her while I was at home taking care of our son you rat bastard." SO...yeah..two months out and my anger issues are really getting better.

ShedSomeLight posted 9/26/2013 08:24 AM

I'm about two months in. Feeling all kinds of emotions. I had my moment when I smashed every picture in our house of the two of us right in front of him and then left the house so he could clean up the mess. I could of cared less. I have my moments when I look at him and I know he is wondering what I am thinking, but I keep my thought to myself so it "freaks" him out. I do have to say that he is doing all the right things: counseling together and by himself, making himself accountable, very remorseful and cries a lot...BUT is it enough for me. I can honestly say that I do not know right now. Sometimes I feel like we will make it and sometimes I see myself moving on to a different life. We do not have children. We do have a 8 month old Puppy that we both love, but if I decide to go... my Dog will be coming with me. I think for me...time will tell all. I think that one day... I will just know what I want to do. I say that if you do not know what to nothing. Since I am only 2 months out of D Day, I am unsure at the moment. I have moments of rage, and sadness where I cry. Not only am I dealing with his affair, but I am also pending a court case because this woman he had the affair with Stalked me on Facebook, by phone, by mail...etc. I found out about her because she made hundreds of phone calls to me over the course of three months and the Police put a tracer on my phone and from there, I found out who she was. He confessed when I told him her name.... She is being charged with stalking ! He claims that all of this has changed him for the better and that it has changed his life...but what about me. Some days.... I just want to disappear and never speak to him again. I have even told him that he does not deserve me.

MJane posted 9/26/2013 08:52 AM

Shedsomelight - sorry you have had to deal with stalking on top of betrayal. I worried my OW might have a tendency to that (when H didn't return her calls she bombarded him in the office so all his colleagues knew of the affair before me & he also noticed her outside our door a few times in the evening before D-day & flowers left on our doorstep). I hope it all resolves itself for you soon & she disappears into her sad little world...

suposd2btheonly1 posted 9/26/2013 17:02 PM

Not only have I told my WH that he does not deserve me he has said it as well. He says he doesnt deserve to have someone so caring, so loving, devoted, someone who is an amazing and dedicated mother etc. He said h is not good enough for me since he chose to make this mistake that only someone as perfect as me deserves me. he also says that since he is aware of this he also knows that he could never live without me and only wants me in his life. I think its a load of shit.

He seems to be doing everything right but then the hate takes over and I think "Hmmm, well if he had been doing everything right we wouldn't be here in this hell hole then would we??"

Its even harder right now bc our boys all have bdays coming up. While Im trying to plan parties Im haunted by his broken lies and promises. I hate him.....

MJane, I have a lot of pictures of my kids, some he sent me and some I sent him, that make me sick. They are all recent that were sent on days that he met his whore. I cant bring myself to ruin them but what once brought me joy to look at brings me sorrow.

Shedsomelight, Im so sorry you have to deal with stalking on top of this. I cant imagine having the OW trying to bring you more pain. It just shows what a lowly piece of trash she truly is.

Mom-of-4 posted 9/28/2013 19:43 PM

Hi and so sorry you are here. I just had to respond as we have a lot in common-
I have 5 boys- I was pregnant with my 4th when My WH had to reveal to me he had been having a 5month affair- I say had to because the OW told her H and her H was my WH's boss. Can you believe that? Sounds like a Jerry Springer show right?! Well- we were a pretty average couple, happy as can be- at the time I was the happiest I had ever been, more sex than he could ask for, great kids, financially secure, new house, we were living then life- or so I thought.

All that you are experiencing is extremely painful- even the anger. I went through extreme sadness- not getting out of bed for up to 3 days except to use the restroom and drink some water. I have been so angry that I have packed my bags and left a handful of times only to return a few hours later because of my beautiful boys- I always did this at night so they didn't know. I have physically attacked him, verbally attacked him etc. I say all this to let you know you aren't not out of your mind.

It has been almost 4 years since my Dday. It was life-altering! I can't emphasize that enough. My husband and our marriage was my joy. I was so proud of what we had and so proud of our family.

I say this to say that now we are still together. It's the best for our boys. Am I as happy as before? No. BUT- I don't put of with bull-crap, I stand up for equality in this house now when it comes to responsibilities, i don't depend on him to make me happy, I work out to feel great about myself, I speak my mind, I do what I want. I still take great care of my kids and they love me for it. I get along well with my WH- but he lost the loving, fun, caring wife he once had. I just haven't been able to recover that. I think that my faith in God has been what has kept me with him- knowing I have to forgive, do what's best for my kids over my own self-centered desires, make the best of the cards I have been dealt.

I don't trigger anymore- that waned a lot after about 2 years. I began a low-dose anti-depressant about 18 months after dday- when I was done breastfeeding and it really helped. I also took 3 months of Lunesta at that time to start getting some better sleep habits after dealing with severe insomnia- which I never had before. I suffered from PTSD after finding out about my WH. It was that catastrophic to me at that time. I'm ok now though. I also know that if he died tomorrow, life would go on for me. I live day to day. We went to IC and MC for a long time. It helped but the pain of his A caused such damage that our relationship still exists (by the grace of God) but will never be the same. It just takes getting used to the NEW NORMAL.

suposd2btheonly1 posted 9/28/2013 20:13 PM

I'm so sorry to hear that Momof4

When this all started with WH our youngest son was barely 4 months old. I had a slight bladder prolapse after I had him and was still pretty self conscious about it when I found out and that killed me! That and the fact that she turned 22 this year, even though we are very similar in appearance and size the age really sent me over the edge, that and other things like he got off with someone other than ME!

I hope this all gets better, I really hate the fact that my marriage as I knew it is changed and will never be the same. I'm here mostly bc of the kids bc I haven't yet made up my mind as to what I'm going to do

Girlietoo posted 9/28/2013 22:07 PM

I feel exactly that same and my WS knows it; he gets quite upset when he sees me looking at him "like that". I have no words of wisdom but I do hope it gets better ((hugs))

cluless posted 9/28/2013 22:32 PM

I beg to differ, I MARRIED THE BIGGEST idiot! I feel exactly the same way as you. I haven't physically hit him, if he would have been here and not a coward and run away, I probably would of attacked him. I understand wanting him to hurt like you do, but guess what... THEY CAN'T. At least yours is crying, mine just gets frustrated and keeps yelling back.

I am wondering all these things myself. xantax does help. When I start shaking I take 1/2 of one, if it continues I take another 1/2. Usually when I take a whole one, I'm sleeping for an hour or so, but today I was so upset I've taken a whole one, I still am just shaking on the inside.

Mines a computer geek too, I honestly believe in my heart they don't think they did anything wrong. Yes they put on a great front, but I don't see the pain, I don't see the real empathy. It's all superficial, you know when somebody is really remorseful. Has anybody else thought of suicide to end the pain? I can't seem to stop thinking about it. Yeah I know it's selfish, blah blah blah, but the pain would end ... yes I know your kids, the people who love you. Would they really notice if I was gone? I have felt invisible for years.

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