"We're not broken, just bent. We can learn to love again."
I want to work it out, of course there are days I think I'm a complete fool for wanting him still. Who earns complete trust and then shatters it??
We have four children, all boys, and I damn sure don't want them to think cheating is okay. But I damn sure don't want them to be without their father. I know it's too soon to make any decisions but I wish I could just decide. One minute I want him gone then I can't see myself without him, that has to count for something right??
He seems to be doing everything right but then the hate takes over and I think "Hmmm, well if he had been doing everything right we wouldn't be here in this hell hole then would we??"
Its even harder right now bc our boys all have bdays coming up. While Im trying to plan parties Im haunted by his broken lies and promises. I hate him.....
MJane, I have a lot of pictures of my kids, some he sent me and some I sent him, that make me sick. They are all recent that were sent on days that he met his whore. I cant bring myself to ruin them but what once brought me joy to look at brings me sorrow.
Shedsomelight, Im so sorry you have to deal with stalking on top of this. I cant imagine having the OW trying to bring you more pain. It just shows what a lowly piece of trash she truly is.
All that you are experiencing is extremely painful- even the anger. I went through extreme sadness- not getting out of bed for up to 3 days except to use the restroom and drink some water. I have been so angry that I have packed my bags and left a handful of times only to return a few hours later because of my beautiful boys- I always did this at night so they didn't know. I have physically attacked him, verbally attacked him etc. I say all this to let you know you aren't not out of your mind.
It has been almost 4 years since my Dday. It was life-altering! I can't emphasize that enough. My husband and our marriage was my joy. I was so proud of what we had and so proud of our family.
I say this to say that now we are still together. It's the best for our boys. Am I as happy as before? No. BUT- I don't put of with bull-crap, I stand up for equality in this house now when it comes to responsibilities, i don't depend on him to make me happy, I work out to feel great about myself, I speak my mind, I do what I want. I still take great care of my kids and they love me for it. I get along well with my WH- but he lost the loving, fun, caring wife he once had. I just haven't been able to recover that. I think that my faith in God has been what has kept me with him- knowing I have to forgive, do what's best for my kids over my own self-centered desires, make the best of the cards I have been dealt.
I don't trigger anymore- that waned a lot after about 2 years. I began a low-dose anti-depressant about 18 months after dday- when I was done breastfeeding and it really helped. I also took 3 months of Lunesta at that time to start getting some better sleep habits after dealing with severe insomnia- which I never had before. I suffered from PTSD after finding out about my WH. It was that catastrophic to me at that time. I'm ok now though. I also know that if he died tomorrow, life would go on for me. I live day to day. We went to IC and MC for a long time. It helped but the pain of his A caused such damage that our relationship still exists (by the grace of God) but will never be the same. It just takes getting used to the NEW NORMAL.
*Winners never cheat and cheaters never win*
When this all started with WH our youngest son was barely 4 months old. I had a slight bladder prolapse after I had him and was still pretty self conscious about it when I found out and that killed me! That and the fact that she turned 22 this year, even though we are very similar in appearance and size the age really sent me over the edge, that and other things like he got off with someone other than ME!
I hope this all gets better, I really hate the fact that my marriage as I knew it is changed and will never be the same. I'm here mostly bc of the kids bc I haven't yet made up my mind as to what I'm going to do
I am wondering all these things myself. xantax does help. When I start shaking I take 1/2 of one, if it continues I take another 1/2. Usually when I take a whole one, I'm sleeping for an hour or so, but today I was so upset I've taken a whole one, I still am just shaking on the inside.
Mines a computer geek too, I honestly believe in my heart they don't think they did anything wrong. Yes they put on a great front, but I don't see the pain, I don't see the real empathy. It's all superficial, you know when somebody is really remorseful. Has anybody else thought of suicide to end the pain? I can't seem to stop thinking about it. Yeah I know it's selfish, blah blah blah, but the pain would end ... yes I know your kids, the people who love you. Would they really notice if I was gone? I have felt invisible for years.
Status: We're going to try IC one more time.