I'm only a week-and-a-half post D-day. My boyfriend sobbingly confessed to me that he cheated on me just over a month ago. An ex came into town and wanted to "apologize" for wronging him. He says he went because he wanted to feel like he "won" by hearing her apology...but, as I've told him, in the end SHE won. She left him for an ex that she then married. I guess the guy turned out to be abusive and a cheater himself. She was seeking self-worth. She wanted to see if she still had power over my boyfriend and she did. He says that things just got carried away but not too long after they "got into it" he realized how horribly wrong it was, stopped, got up, dressed, and left. He says the next day he told her to never contact him again, that what had happened was a horrible mistake. He says he hasn't heard from her since and has even thought of changing his number so she can't contact him.
If he hadn't told me, I don't know if I would have known? I mean I knew something was up with him. There was a definite change in personality. This bright, funny, optimistic man was suddenly withdrawn, subdued, defeated. He started having chronic headaches, his back hurt him all the time, he couldn't sleep, and he'd even started throwing up. Honestly, to know it was remorse tearing him apart and not some medical malady was almost a relief...almost.
He literally begged me not to leave him for what he swears is a one-time mistake. He has taken full responsibility for it and there has not be any "well if you were more..." BS coming from him at all. He even took the initiative to go get tested for STD's before he confessed to me...I was wondering why he suddenly had no sexual interest in me. He didn't want to risk exposing me. All of those things contributed greatly to my agreeing to try to move beyond this and to keep forming what has otherwise been a great relationship instead of just trash canning the whole thing right then and there. As the title implies, this isn't the first time I've been cheated on. My first husband and father of my children cheated on me so I knew as soon as the confession came out the roller coaster ride we'd be in for. On the flip side of the coin, I have been a cheater myself. I really do understand all aspects of the scenario and how my WS feels...but instead of any of that making it any easier, I think it makes it harder.
What I'm really dealing with are all of the questions. On the basic level on nights that we aren't together, I'm constantly wondering where he is, who he's with. Previous to this I had unshakable faith in him, no worries at all. Now there is worry where there wasn't any before. I know if I'm going to trust him again, I have to do just that, TRUST HIM. When I do text or call to check up on him he always responds without hesitation, so I know he's really trying from his side. I just hate the feeling of worry and I question rather or not I have the moxie to sit through the process of getting beyond it? Since my last experience of going through this lead to divorce I'm filled with doubts on the probability of success.
I'm normally a very confident and self-assured person. Not that I'm perfect by any means, but I'm me and I'm okay with me...but now that is totally shot. All I can be is me, and evidently on some level "me" isn't enough. He says that isn't true, and logically I know that isn't true...but it doesn't stop that little nagging voice in my head that either tells me I'm not doing a good enough job at being a girlfriend or it flips and tells me I'm too good to put up with that. That I'm completely devaluing myself by letting someone who disrespected me stay in my life. Then it flips again and reminds me that I cheated and you know...what goes around comes around.
I have so many things spinning through my mind. One minute I'm not bothered, the next it is all consuming. One minute I am resolved to sit through this and the next I just want to throw in the towel so I don't have to fell any of it anymore. I can just spew hatred his way...but there is the part of me that refuses to be the "victim" because I'm a stronger person than that. But does not being the victim mean I steamroller over him and "fight back" or that I gracefully offer forgiveness and move beyond? Ugh, so many contradictory thoughts and feelings! It all just makes me feel very and my ulcers are in major overdrive
I know there is no easy answers or quick fix, but I just needed to get stuff out of my head. Thanks for reading Not only is my brain heavy, but so is my heart. Like a rock in my chest. I just needed to unload and I'm not at a place where I feel like I can share every whimsical thought with him. They are all so different and vary so widely. I'm so utterly confused by myself that I couldn't possibly expect someone else to understand!