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womanfromohio posted 9/25/2013 17:07 PM

I am having a rough time right now. this post will probably have no apparent meaning, I just need to talk to someone, and talking to anyone in real life is just not possible. It's been 2 years (over), since everything went down. I STILL have not confronted my husband. I've played out our conversation we will eventually have in my head probably 1000 times. I don't even know who I am anymore. I'm terrified of losing him, but I've done lost myself. I just had a drink. Yes, a drink. First of all, I only drink maybe once every few months, and it's always on a weekend after the kids have went to bed. The kids are here....and awake. Although they didn't see me take a drink. I know I did it. I've cried off and on for months. M y husband has no clue. He's been wonderful these past 2 years, but I can't let this go. Why can't I grow some F---ing balls and get it out in the open. I know what happened ,so why do I feel the need to hear it from him? I need therapy..but first I would need insurance. Off to cry some more....

LosferWords posted 9/25/2013 17:14 PM

((womanfromohio))

I'm sorry you are hurting.

I feel like you are maybe getting stuck on this whole "confrontation" thing. Is there a way to change your perspective to make yourself feel better and more confident about this? Maybe instead of "confronting" him, you can talk to him... communicate with him... write him a letter. Communication is critical. Maybe, like you said, your husband has no clue how much you are hurting. He might need some direction with that.

Therapy or not, you have us to lean on. Hang in there, and keep posting. Others will be along to help as well. Take care.

[This message edited by LosferWords at 5:15 PM, September 25th (Wednesday)]

musiclovingmom posted 9/25/2013 17:20 PM

I'm a second to finding a way to communicate that works for you. My H and I do a lot of writing to each other about the hard stuff. Tell him what you know and the specific ways it is affecting you. If you are worried about his immediate reaction, leave it somewhere you know he will see it and then leave the house for a while. I couldn't imagine holding in that pain for two years and how you must be feeling. Hopefully getting it all out there will help ease your burden and allow you to begin healing. You deserve the chance to heal from this.

kiki1 posted 9/25/2013 17:30 PM

((((womanfromohio))))

I agree with losferwords. Dont think of it as confrontation. Go slow.

He's been wonderful? Then take advantage of that.

Can you arrange a quiet evening for the two of you? Jot down 2-3 things you would like to talk of for that time frame?

Please, dont worry about one drink. Enjoy it, relax.

I dont know why any of us need to hear what we logically know, but we do. It helps us to process the hurt.

It isnt about you having balls, woman , its about you not wanting to hurt. Take it in really small steps. Only what you can tolerate.

I understand and feel the same sometimes. I have no advice on how to not be afraid, other than if that's what we need to move forward, we have to do it.

Really, if you want to be healthy and happy, you have no choice. Just take bits in at a time.

You can do it.

Are there mental health clinics in your area that have sliding fee scales? They may be able to help you.

hugs,,,,,,

womanfromohio posted 9/25/2013 17:42 PM

You have no idea how happy I am that I posted this here. I haven't posted in awhile, and I'm quickly realizing I need to post more often. My husband doesn't know that I know he cheated.......but I do. We communicate best by writing things out, so maybe that's exactly what I should do. I sent him a picture of my drink earlier and he said "lol, really already? doesn't one of the kids have a soccer game tonight?" I responded with "no, not tonight. Who the hell am I? I don't drink like this." He responded with "lol".I know he thinks I responded like that because we just got home from Jamaica a couple days ago and we drank non-stop (no kids, all inclusive vacation). But I seriously meant I don't know who I am.

mchercheur posted 9/25/2013 20:00 PM

(((womanfromohio)))

Did you know that before anesthesia was invented, the only way to do surgery was by getting someone really drunk?

You are in EXCRUTIATING pain. We BSs have all been there.
Stop apologizing for 1 drink, have a 2nd.

Agree with the others, writing a letter may be the way to go.

As someone who has always had to juggle things around 4 kids, is there someone who can take them for a day, so that you & WH can have some time alone to talk?

Something about your tone makes me assume that you want to try to R. You two will need some time alone together to accomplish this. Try to make plans now about childcare.
Our youngest was 11 at the time of WH's A, so we did a lot of sitting in the car in the driveway to talk, so that the kids couldn't hear us.

Sending you strength & hugs

womanfromohio posted 9/26/2013 06:09 AM

I really do want to reconcile. I want to get past all of this. I don't want my heart to race every time his phone makes any little noise, wondering 'is he at it again?' (even though it is usually a game he plays or an update for his phone). He leaves his phone out, so I'm free to check it anytime, but I still feel so insecure. We just got home from Jamaica on Sunday. We went for 8 days. We did have a blast, and celebrated our anniversary while we were there (he took me swimming with the dolphins! Something I've always wanted to do). But although I had fun, I couldn't help but look around at all the females in skippy bikinis, wondering which broad my husband was wanting to take back up to the bedroom. How awful is that? He kept his eyes peeled on me the entire time, and I still had these thoughts consume me. He was dancing one night (he's an awesome dancer....I am not), and a female came up to him.They had a short conversation. I later ask him what she said and he said she ask him if he was here with someone, and he said 'yes, my wife'. I was pissed. He didn't know it though, because I didnt show it, but I was literally boiling inside. What more could he have said to make it better? Uggh, I was never the jealous type before.

womanfromohio posted 9/26/2013 17:16 PM

I need honest opinions on this letter. I just wrote it about 15 minutes ago, I don't think I'm completely finished yet.
Husband,
Where do I even begin with this? Hmm, I don't know, but here it goes. I love you, you are my world, my everything, my best friend, my soul mate, my lover, the father of my children, my husband. MY husband. Why did you have to go share yourself with someone else? Why did you have to go crush my heart? Demolish my soul? Take away everything I believed in about us?
You have no idea the pain I've felt these past 2 years. You don't know, because I haven't told you. I've hid many tears from you, I've smiled although I've been slowly dying inside.
I was terrified of losing you. I was terrified of losing our future together.. But you know what I lost in the mean time? Myself. Remember the text I sent you yesterday about how I don't know how I am anymore? I was serious.
I know you cheated with HER.Don't ask me how I know because there is no reason for that. But I know and I've known.
I'm ready to start finally healing from this. In order to do that, I need you to be totally and completely honest with me. No bull shit.
I need my questions answsered. Questions I've ask myself over 1000 x's. Please help me heal from this, so this doesn't consume my every waking moment anymore. Let me go through the motions. I don't do this without your full disclosure. Don't you think I deserve this? This pain is excruciating. I'll take any physical pain over this any day!