I'm sorry you are experiencing this. I have no really good advice other than to let you know that you aren't alone!
I can't find the original letter but what I wrote is something like this:
Of course you developed feelings for this person. That's what a relationship is. That's what an affair is. But you had NO RIGHT to ever even start that relationship. None whatsoever. I am sure that you are going to experience some sort of loss and/or grief. Well, tough shit. If you have any intention of staying in this M and making things right, you better figure out a way to handle those feelings on your own time. I don't want to see it or hear about it. If you miss her, then go be with her. If you want to be with me, you better be figuring out how to deal with that crap without it affecting me.
I also gave him a quote I had heard on a radio program that was discussing Affairs. It was said that the only way to stop a chemical reaction is to remove one of the ingredients. An A is a chemical reaction and will never be over until one AP completely removes the other. That means every time he thinks wistfully of his AP, he is continuing the A. He needs to learn new patterns of thought and behavior.
JM used to feel so bad for hurting his AP. she didn't know he was M when they began their A. But she sure knew later and continued to pressure him and twist the knife in me. If he thinks of her now, it is with immediate disgust at their behavior and remorse at the harm he did to me and our kids.
There is no way I would have sat around watching him grieve for OW.
you had NO RIGHT to ever even start that relationship. None whatsoever. I am sure that you are going to experience some sort of loss and/or grief. Well, tough shit. If you have any intention of staying in this M and making things right, you better figure out a way to handle those feelings on your own time.
Standing ovation on that one! ^^^
Grieving the loss of AP ~ I think not! Not in my world.
He is honest and tells me he thinks of her daily
No, offering this information to you is actually called: mean.
The truth hurts, but I have never seen it cause the pain that lies do.
In any case, if you have a successful R, he'll look back on missing her and realize that, too, was a load of BS. In due time. It'll make him sick, the whole thing, including missing her. And you'll be smiling then.
Also, our MC said not to check in too often about it, that it was dispiriting. He also told H when he felt like he missed her that it was helpful to think that it wasn't actually her that he missed, but how he felt in the A. (The good part.)
You said he doesn''t openly grieve, but you can tell he''s hurting. Are you certain that''s why he''s hurting, and he''s not just generally feeling low about the devastating pain he caused you both? Not saying you''re obligated to ask him, but is there any chance you''re beating yourself up over this somewhat needlessly?
ETA: SImplicity doesn't always like my punctuation
[This message edited by 20WrongsVs1 at 10:11 PM, September 25th, 2013 (Wednesday)]
Mine wants to stay moved out so he can "grieve" his loss without us having to watch. How kind of him. It makes it especially hard, IMHO, when Dday occurs right at the height of passion of the A -- when all the Skittle-farting unicorns have lined up to do their wondeful dance and the sunshine is sparkling down into the mist of the heavy fog.
the only way to stop a chemical reaction is to remove one of the ingredients. An A is a chemical reaction and will never be over until one AP completely removes the other. That means every time he thinks wistfully of his AP, he is continuing the A. He needs to learn new patterns of thought and behavior.
I think this ^^^ is it! While I honestly don't think he's continued the physical side of the A, he still has a business relationship with her. I think it's his fond thoughts of her that cause him to occasionally backslide in the R attempt.
It is VERY VERY painful. I hope yours snaps out of it quickly!!!!
<bionic gal> Also, our MC said not to check in too often about it, that it was dispiriting. He also told H when he felt like he missed her that it was helpful to think that it wasn't actually her that he missed, but how he felt in the A. (The good part.)
So helpful to think of it in these terms.
Even the "well, tough shit" responses are helpful!
So thankful for this support!
FWH has kept NC, but OW has contacted him twice about a mutual friend's illness (message 1, in March) and then death (message 2, in August). FWH did not respond either time. He has since confessed to feeling rude in not even acknowledging the messages with a terse thank you. I told him that OW was using these sad events as an excuse to go fishing, hoping to re-establish contact. He was appalled that I could be so cynical as to attribute ulterior motives to her. He feels that she was just being a good friend, telling him something that she knew he would want to know. I told him he was naïve.
I haven't pried any deeper into his feelings.
D-Day: August 14, 2012
9 year LTA with former co-worker and family "friend"/7 years EA+PA, 2 more years EA
I'm 4.5 years out but the same thing happened to me about two weeks post d-day. My husband looked really sad and I said do you miss her. He said he did. It was like a knife to my gut--but I was thankful for the honesty and it was actually a big step for him and for reconciliation. He knew it would hurt me but he told me anyway. I didn't punish him for telling me--I told him how hard it was to hear but I was grateful for the honesty which had been missing from our lives for a year. Here's the good news--he doesn't really miss her--he misses how she made him feel. Concentrate on that as much as you can. The other really good news--my husband now can't remember telling me that and is horrified that he even felt that way. Keep that communication open and work as team--support each other--I don't mean supporting him for missing her but supporting him for telling the truth--that's a big step.
i think he needs to work those stupid feelings for his cheating partner who helped destroy his m out before any attempt at r.
It was very hard, and only because the OW got stalkerish and he couldn't pretend she was really a *friend* did he stop grieving for her. That was weirdly a piece of good fortune. I think you listen to it as much as you can take it, if you're willing,and the direct him to a safe friend or an IC when it becomes too much.
Strength to you. This crap is not for the faint of heart.
me (WW/BS): 48
4 kiddos in mid 20's
“Follow your intuition. Be smart, be brave. Tell the truth and don’t take any shit.”
1yr 4 months after DDAY, she says she feels nothing for him. It was just what he made her feel. That's all. That's what it was all about. But basically doesn't care about him. Misses the fact that there will NEVER be a friendship again and also destroyed my friendship with him, but that's all. Sounds much better with her head out of the fog.
I feel you though. Tell'em later he'll feel like a fool for the words he chose.