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I'm trying to be patient, but...

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asphodel posted 9/25/2013 18:51 PM

Hi! I'm new here, and want to thank folks in advance for reading and, hopefully, responding.

This July, I discovered that my husband of 22 years had been having an affair with his boss. I caught onto things early into the affair - probably about 3 weeks in. We agreed that we wanted to work through things and try to repair our marriage. Things were pretty good the first 3 days. He took those days off, spent the days with our 15-year-old son, and we had family time after I got home from work. But he kept avoiding being alone with me, and he kept putting off having a real discussion. And by that, I don't mean grilling him for all the details - I mean sitting down and figuring out why the affair happened, what do we need to change in our marriage, and what boundaries need to be set. Day 4, he went back to work - which was so gut-wrenchingly hard, I can't even describe it. When he called that evening, he was slurring his words, and I knew that he was drunk and that the discussion that he promised me we were going to have that night wasn't going to happen once again. I got angry, he hung up - and he didn't come home for over week. When he finally did come home, he told me he wanted to separate for a while, because he didn't know what he wanted.That he needed to figure out why this happened so that it didn't happen again. He said he was still attracted to the OW, and that he had feelings for her, but that he still loves me. He gave his word that he would only see her as it pertained to work, and he laid out plans for us to spend time together at least once a week.

It has now been 2 months, and his follow-through has been pretty crappy. Our son and are are lucky if we see him once every couple of weeks. He blames this on work - says he is at the restaurant from 8AM until well after midnight. And I do believe this. He has always worked very hard, too hard. It's the major underlying cause of our issues - we don't spend enough time together. But my son and I are tired of not being a priority right now. We feel abandoned. And, he is still trying to decide between our marriage and the OW. *sigh* I'm really at a loss. I don't understand how a relationship of a few weeks/months can suddenly be as deep and meaningful as one that has lasted 2 decades. I don't understand how he could possibly risk losing his family and being a part-time dad over something that has a mere 3% chance of actually lasting long-term. I feel as though I need to go no-contact with him (well, as much as I can with a child involved), but if the root of our problem is not spending time together, then will this only make things worse? Is it time to draw a real line in the sand, or will that just drive him to be with her? Any advice right now would be greatly appreciated. I can't really afford therapy, and put money aside in case we do split, at the same time, so this is my refuge.

welcome14 posted 9/25/2013 18:57 PM

Hi, and hugs to you. So sorry you and your son are here, and I just wanted to reach out to let you know you have been heard and understood. I never had the chance at reconciliation, probably because I didn't find this site until two months afterward. I wish I had. I begged and pleaded for him to come home, instead of doing the 180 to strengthen myself. I can only suggest you look up the 180 in the healing library and implement it immediately. Maybe it will break through his fog, maybe not. But you will be stronger and healthier whatever. He is probably still seeing her, so him doing any work on himself at this point is probably air-dreaming, so take the helm and steer you and your son's ship to healing waters for the both of you, don't let a cheater determine your fate. Godspeed.

[This message edited by welcome14 at 6:59 PM, September 25th (Wednesday)]

asphodel posted 9/25/2013 19:12 PM

Thank you, welcome14, for your response. Believe me, I am all about strengthening myself right now. I've been using these two months to reevaluate myself, implement a lot of changes, reconnect with family and old friends. In a lot of ways, I'm in a good place. But I do miss him, and I do want to fight for my family. And, most importantly, I'm worried for my son.

Eyeofthetiger posted 9/25/2013 19:49 PM

Not that I have the best advice but 180 works! NC and better yourself.

I have been given a lot of advice about not letting them cake eat. He knows he has you to come home too if things don't work out with the OW. People have told me to push him off the fence. I am not in a place to do that. I cannot tell him I want a D if I am not willing to file. But what I have been doing is not contacting him even about the kids. If he wants to see the kids or talk to them, he can call them.

So my advice, push him off the fence. Maybe not by filing for D if you aren't ready but make him know you don't need him. You aren't going to be there for him if things don't work out with OW.

Iamhappytoday posted 9/25/2013 23:02 PM

I hate to say this, really and truly, but if I had posted sooner and followed the 180 I think that even with divorce I would have handled the failure of my marriage better. When folks say 180 is your friend, let me tell you, IT IS.

I wish I could assure you that your hopes for a future with the one you love are merited, but I can't and no one can. That loss of hope is the hardest thing.

Someone on here told me once, "it's not happening, it's already happened."

Just please don't beat yourself up, but do realize that when the advice here for 180 and detaching is given, it's good to heed. I wish I had done it sooner, if only for my own sense of self-respect in a situation I was unable to change.

[This message edited by Iamhappytoday at 11:03 PM, September 25th (Wednesday)]

ninebark posted 9/26/2013 06:17 AM

Sometimes to save your marriage you have to be willing to lose it. Nothing shocks a WS back into reality then a separation agreement or divorce papers. You can cancel the divorce proceedings when you want but he needs to know that cake eating is not allowed, you are not the back up plan while he lives in lala land trying to figure out if he loves another woman or not.

You need to protect your family, you need to know what your rights are in case he never comes home. Time to fight for you, if he is serious about you then the marriage will follow.

asphodel posted 9/26/2013 06:22 AM

Thanks, guys - the advice is much appreciated. I have been reading over the 180, and plan to start following it ASAP.

An interesting thing did happen yesterday evening. I (or rather H) got a phone call from someone in corporate at restaurant that has been opening lots of new places in the area. When I asked if I could take a message, she told me that she had reviewed his resume and would like for him to call about a management position. Frankly, I didn't believe him when he told me he wanted to find a new job, and remove himself from seeing the OW on a near daily basis, but I guess he did send out resumes. I told him about the call when he called me last night, wanting us to get together on Monday - he seemed very excited about it.

Take2 posted 9/26/2013 06:49 AM

Well a new position would change things up, but it sounds like it would mean even more hours.... You said the problem was that he was working all the time... Now typically a H working all the time would be the W's crappy reason for cheating - not the H's.

I think the problem is the your WH chose to have an A, is still choosing to have an A, and has manipulated you into being the OW now. Worse, he gets to play family with you and DS once every three weeks while he lives with her...

I would strong suggest you 180 and no family nights until he has chosen firmly chosen his family over the hoe. Let him take DS out - but participating in this sham is serving him cake on a platter.
It will do nothing to strengthen you...

My 2 cents.

asphodel posted 9/26/2013 07:25 AM

Take2, while I think you are serving up some good advice - and 180 is definitely on the table as of today - I do want to clear a couple of things up. The new job opportunity would mean less hours for him, not more. He's been averaging 14/15 hours a day, 6 days a week for a good while now. Also, the other place offers benefits, which his current job does not have - including vacation time. Most important, the other place is not owned by the OW, is not even in the same town as the OW, which could mean he is serious about breaking ties with the OW. Also, he is not living with OW. I know where he is staying right now, and the I know the person that he is staying with. That doesn't mean that he hasn't been lying about seeing her, because he may well be. But I know for a fact that he's not shacking up with her.

lost4now posted 9/26/2013 08:40 AM

I suffered 5 long years with my STBXH continuing his affair while lying to me about fixing things. Every time I caught him, he would be good for a little while and then just take things further underground so it was harder for me to detect. I was afraid anything I did would push him back to her. Actually, the reverse happened. The fact that I did NOTHING, allowed him to continue with her. I cried, I went to counseling, I tried to talk to him, I tried to make him go to marriage counseling. I did everything I could and nothing helped.

I believe that if I had pushed him off the fence (with divorce papers) after dday #1 it would have saved my marriage. He was not that invested in his affair yet at that point and my fears stopped me from taking action, which allowed him to continue seeing and talking to her and building a long lasting relationship with her.

He sounds wishy washy and he is playing you both until he can figure out what he wants. He may never really choose. All you will be left with is half a husband who you can't trust. My advice is to draw a line in the sand, knock him off the fence and see which side he lands on.

Newlease posted 9/26/2013 09:57 AM

My situation was VERY similar to yours. Married nearly 24 years, together 26. Had a pretty solid marriage and he started an EA with a co-worker. After Dday #1, he said all the right things and went to MC with me. However, he had just taken the A underground and it became PA.

On Dday #2, I kicked him out. I felt so betrayed. He moved in with a male friend of ours, but continued to see the OW. I tried all the wrong tactics, reasoning, loving, begging, being a doormat. None of it worked.

He filed for D and 3 months later it was over. Six months after that the OW left him and he fell apart. But by then too much damage had been done and I was in firm 180 land. This only made him want to come back more.

It's been 8 years since the D was final. He's been married and D again. He still seems to be pretty unhappy. On the other hand, my life is better than I ever imagined it could be.

Sending strength and peace.


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