Incident #3 – Saw an email from dropbox to himself. He sent himself a video from his dropbox of a girl doing very sexual things. He said it wasn’t recent and it was from a girl he dated long before me. I was upset he had kept this video and wanted to watch it. When everything had happened at first I asked him to delete that kind of stuff. He said he just wanted something different to watch other than porn (we were still in “dating” mode and no sex).
Incident #4 (last one) – I had to use his laptop. I wasn’t even looking to be honest , but I found file folders for at least 10-15 different girls. Naked, sexual, and just regular pics. Then I went looking and found out he was on adultfriendfinder.com. I asked about the pictures, and he said they were all old. But I asked him to delete anything like that before, and he said he had, so he lied to me and was looking at pictures of other girls that he had a personal and sexual relationship. That bothers me. Especially since he has a previous sexual relationship with them and was looking at them while we are together.
At first he said he was only looking at the live sex portion (but not participating) on that adultfriendfinder site and the others I found. I asked him if he was messaging any other girls. He said no. But when he could see that I was about to ask him to log on and show me, he admitted he does message other girls on there but wasn’t actually looking to hook up. I read the sexual messages he sent and saw all the pictures he sent the girls. It was heartbreaking. Honestly, although I think this was the worst, I was so emotionally drained at that time, I didn’t even cry all that much. I do believe that he wasn’t actually trying to meet the girls, because anytime one asked him to meet he would say he just got into a relationship or something like that. What hurt even more was he did a lot of this while gone for 10 days in England for work. That trip was already hard enough on me because all of the other messaging started when he was deployed. But I had asked him several times and he reassured me that he wasn’t doing anything bad. The lies hurt so much.
So where am I now? We are working on us and I am in IC and we will start couple’s counseling soon. He really has stepped up and he either isn’t doing anything or hiding it WAY better (he never even tried to hide it before). I really want to believe him, but he has lied to me so many times that it’s hard. I guess that I should add, not sure if it’s important, but our sex life was not lacking in anyway and he admits this. And he was and is extremely happy with me and us. He still wants to marry me. His only reason he has given is he didn’t know why he did it (incident #1 & #2) and it was a mistake. His reason for #4 is he wanted to feel wanted, even though he admits I make him feel wanted all of the time.
So that’s my story. I am sorry it is so long. But it was therapeutic to write all of that down for the first time. I’m not sure where to go from here. I love him and I know he loves me. But rebuilding the trust will be hard and take a lot of work. I know some people might tell me to run because we aren’t married yet. But I’ve never felt the way I feel for him before. Everything else, beside the online infidelity, is pretty amazing. But he does love watching porn (not sure if that will eventually lead to an addiction) and has done a lot hurtful things to me. And yes he has stopped everything for now, but what about in the future when life gets a lot harder. Of course I am working on me and all of my now insecurities and issues with my new therapist, who I love.
Thank you all for taking the time to read this. And any responses are appreciated. (Sorry for any typos, I wrote this pretty fast).
2014 - I broke up with him and now I am trying to heal.
Hurt me with the truth, but never comfort me with a lie.
Only you can decide how much you want this relationship and what you are willing to do. After two marriages to cheaters I am not always bias when it comes to couples who are not married. I know now that I would look at it as if he cheated on me now, whats to stop him from doing it again. What happens if we marry and have kids and he does it again. I wished that I would have listened to people when I was younger that told me that. I think my life would have turned out so much differently. All I am saying is think long and hard about building a life with a person with that kind of selfish, immortal tendencies.
I am sorry you are going through this!
Looking back at my own relationship, I should of bailed during the dating stage. There were red flags but I wanted to believe him when he gave his tear-filled pleas. If I got to go back and speak to my old self, I would say 'run like heck girlfriend'.
I would caution you to carefully think of how to proceed. If you do decide to continue in this relationship, I would not commit to M for a long while.
I too am sorry you are here.
Your story is very similar to mine so I had to reply to let you know that this has happened to someone else and everyone is always here for you to talk to.
I also accidentally saw something on my XBF's phone about 6 weeks ago - he was on a dating site.
There were tears and sorry's and we really tried to make things work. Then came the cards and love letters. I still can't read them... I understand the poster's thoughts above on couples not being married, but for me this WAS the man I was going to marry - without a doubt. I have had too much crap in my life to fall into something easily, so for me to have no doubts about our future spoke volumes. Anyway, I digress...
My "incident 2" came when we were looking at his phone together and he pressed a button like he was on auto pilot - it was to an email account. We were on holiday for his 30th in one of the most beautiful cities in the world - and far away from home. I knew then to look at this phone and found soooooo much more. Nothing since incident 1, but just like you, he said he would delete everything but he had not. He still had dating sites open and could easily have deleted the most recent emails - if there were any.
I have never been so traumatised in my life, and I decided I could not live a life like that. There are very severe issues involved when men do that sort of stuff, but I am only 3 weeks out and am just about feeling a teeeeeny bit of hope for my future.
My X also said it was for an ego boost as he did not think much about himself - I had no idea, and to be honest he probably is not telling the truth. I also asked if there were any issues in our relationship I was not ware of - his response was that I was perfect (to him...).
Well, less than 10 days after the break up and he has at least 2 dating profiles set up looking for a relationship. I just think if the issue is that bad and they do not want to accept it, they won't. We have zero contact now (after I text him saying I had found the sites he replied saying we never really meant anything...hmmm??) So I am trying to heal on my own, which is so hard as my life has changed completely, but I am starting to, very occasionally, get a feeling of: 'so glad I am not with him if he is doing this'.
Whatever you decide, take your time. His behaviour has nothing at all to do with you. It is a complete reflection on himself. I totally understand that you have love for him, and you are probably freaking out about a possible future without him, which is so normal.
But think - what are your standards?
One of the first thing I thought was that if my XBF could do this when he saw me as "perfect" in our relationship, what would he be like when I have just had our first baby, do not want sex, have not slept and am grumpy as hell on occasion!!
Either way, whatever you want to do, come back here often and trust your gut - really listen to it.
I'm so sorry if I have gone on too much about myself - it is all still very fresh but I wanted you to know that I really can relate somehow.
Don't feel bad about snooping. You have good reason to snoop. Don't confuse "privacy" with trying to get away with something rotten and deceitful. "Privacy" is when you shut the door to go to the bathroom. What your WBF is doing is the later.
He may be telling the truth and he may not. I have been here long enough to know that these situations usually show you only know the "tip of the iceberg" so to say.
The lying bothers me. And the fact that he only seems to admit what you discover or what you are about to discover. What else is out there hidden in some computer file, phone bill, etc?
The porn bothers me. I know lots of people use porn, but I have seen too many times where the "fantasy" of porn, the easy access of on-line dating-cheating and poor impulse control can create a recipe for disaster.
I think you are wise to take a step back in your relationship at this point. If he is more involved that you know at this point you could be exposed to STD's, etc. My advise to you would be to continue in your IC and stay diligent in your "snooping". Maybe don't call him out on everything you find. Save it and keep looking. Also, check for unknown email addresses and f/b accounts.
Married Sept 14 2015
Fully in R
But, do the questions EVER end??
Trustgone – Thank you. I agree that he has done a lot of lying by omission. I am still trying to figure everything out. I am in in IC and that is helping. My first therapist was horrible. It took me over a month, but then I found a great therapist and that was been a huge help.
One of my main problems right now is I do worry about what will happen if we get married and have kids. Especially since he did this when everything was amazing between us. We had never even had an argument at that point. We always had such an amazing time together. I was the first girl he ever wanted to marry. His friends and family all said they could tell such a difference in him with me. I wonder what he is going to do when times get hard, because there are times in everyone’s life that are hard. I am definitely thinking long and hard about this and talking it out in IC.
EvenKeel – Thank you as well. I am definitely proceeding carefully. M is completely off the table right now. Ironically, the first incident happened right around the time we were talking about getting engaged in the next few months. Right now I am just focusing on the now and not worrying about M at all. But if it does ever come to that, it will not be for a long time.
NoAnswers37 – Thank you SO much for sharing your story! I have felt very lonely because I can’t really talk to my mom or friends about everything that has happened. Some know about the first incident, but no one other than my therapist knows about the rest. Since we have been working on us, I didn’t want to tell my friends or family everything and have them hate him/change the way they feel about him if we ended up working it out together. And with the depression I went through I honestly didn’t feel like talking to anyone else a lot as well. So while I am not happy that anyone else has experienced this, I am glad to know that I now have somewhere I can come to and talk with people who understand what I am going through.
I am so sorry that you went through all of that. Sounds like our stories are very similar. My BF was the man I planned on marrying as well. I had no doubts as well and I also don’t fall easily. So I understand exactly what you are saying.
You did not go on too much about yourself. Your post is extremely helpful to me (and I am sure others). And I tend to always write a lot anyways Thank you for saying his behavior had nothing to do with me. That was hard to accept at first, but I am slowly coming around to believing that.
I too worry about the future since my boyfriend says I am “perfect” in the relationship as well. I worry about the hard times, etc. (as I said above). I’m still not sure what I want to do. And for me that is ok right now. I am just taking it one day at a time.
It’s funny you said something about standards. I have questioned if I am compromising my morals/standards/beliefs by staying with him. Especially the type of porn he watches, his views on porn/ strip clubs/ sex/Etc, how easily he disregarded me and my feelings, and some other things about his lifestyle. For instance, the girl from incident #1 was a girl he met on adultfriendfinder. com and they met off that site and hooked up for a while just for sex. I would just never do that. He was new to the area (never lived in this state before) and didn’t know anyone, but I still wouldn’t have gone online to a site like that to find someone to have sex with, even if I didn’t know anyone.
Any other guy I would have walked away from in a second. It is just so different with him, yet he has betrayed me and hurt me the most. IC is helping me with these questions and I am sure the support on here will help me as well. Hugs to you!
Sadtoo – Thank you for what you said about snooping. The lying really bothers me as well. Especially after the first incident he kept reassuring me he wasn’t doing anything until I caught him doing something else. He lied to my face so many times. There were tears, him begging me to not leave, and he was what seemed remorseful and depressed. Yet, he still continued to do stuff. So now I have a really hard time believing him.
The porn bothers me too. Mostly, it’s the type of porn. He says he doesn’t like “traditional” and he likes the live sex kind. Well those sites are a lot more intimate and personal in my opinion and they all have the chat feature, which he used before. I don’t think he should go on sites with that “temptation”. While he was deployed I knew he occasionally looked at porn and I was ok with it (although nothing was wrong in our relationship that I knew about at the time and I thought it was just porn). He was alone in the dessert and didn’t do anything other than work, so I understood the porn. But then he started accessing the messaging / chat feature on those sites. I have a hard time believing that he won’t do that again.
Thank you for the advice. I am going to continue IC and focusing on me. And I will continue to “snoop”. How do you check for unknown email addresses and f/b accounts? Thanks again!
Elphaba – Thank you for sharing your situation with me. Hugs back to you! Yes, I already know it will be a lot of work. It has been a ton already. I will do the same for myself and take the time to reflect and see if this is the life I want. I understand what you are saying about the nothing happened. I did find the text before the girl from incident #1 even though he was back from his deployment (he lied to her and told her he wouldn’t be back for over a month from when he actually was returning). So that was one of the reasons I believed that. But I do worry that he is lying about the “nothing happened” in general, because well he has lied to me so many times before! But anytime a girl tried to meet up (in the messages I saw and know about), he always said no.
I’m glad you are putting yourself first! Take care as well!
One thing I do want to add is that right after incident #4 he deleted (in front of me, but without me asking) all of the pictures from his computer. He deleted all of the accounts to the chat/porn sites (even ones I didn't know about, but not sure if it's all of them,). He deleted anyone off twitter, facebook, and his phone that shouldn't have been on there. Etc. He should of done ALL of this after incident #1 (especially since I asked), but he did finally do it.
I do have full access to his phone and computers and all that. He never locks anything so I don't need a password.
I do wonder if he just finally got smarter about hiding it all though. He does seem extremely remorseful. There have been a lot of tears and trying to make everything better. But there were tears after incident #1 too. One thing that concerns me is that he hasn't tried to figure out why he did what he did and how he won't do it again. He says he doesn't know why he did everything (other than saying he made a mistake and likes feeling wanted), but says it doesn't matter because he knows he won't do it again because he doesn't want to lose me. I worry that he will do it again without figuring those things out. He will go to CC with me though, so we plan on doing that soon.
You are exactly on target to be concerned. "He doesn't know why" and "I made a mistake but it doesn't matter because..." sounds to me like a lot of rug sweeping.
He NEEDS to dig down deep and find out the why. If he doesn't you're going to be dealing with this your whole life with him.
You also made a good point earlier when you pointed out that this should be the best time in your life together. What's going to happen when things aren't so great? Marriage, kids, sick kids, loss of a job, other major stressors that WILL HAPPEN. How's he going to keep from "acting out" during those times?
I really really feel for you having to go through this - it is just so cruel. But I am glad you are in IC - keep that going, write down concerns you have between sessions etc. And I am glad you are accepting that you had NOTHING to do with this. Not one bit. It is very hard initially not to look at yourself with critical eyes. I went through days picking myself apart, physically, emotionally, thinking what my character is like etc etc. And I realised that he was doing this no matter what. I also wonder whether you know if your guy has done this before? Were you the first one this has happened to?
Yes, it seems our situations are very similar, but the outcome is totally different - we were LD so it has been so easy for him to revert back to his online ways and cut me out. I HAD to tell friends to get support. I had visions of them calling him all sorts, but in the end they were all just hurt for me. If there are one or two people you can really trust, I would suggest telling them. Explain you are considering staying with him so no name calling! They might surprise you.
Before my "incident 1" I never thought I would ever stay with anyone who would set up a dating profile whilst being in a relationship with me. Life teaches you funny things though - after talking things through and through with him I came to the realisation that you cannot just walk away from every situation which you do not approve of. I told him that he had fallen and I would catch him. We would work on his insecurities together.
When I then found out that he had lied about the extent of his cheating, I knew that it had gone too far. I knew that I had to walk away as the man I was going to marry would NEVER behave like that. People make mistakes and do them to learn things to grow, but what I saw went well beyond a mistake.
I cannot see me getting into a relationship soon. BUT, if I ever do get married, then that man will not be like him. There will be more transparency because of what I have been through. We never should have had to learn this lesson about humanity and betrayal, but soooo many people on here have learnt it through marriage. Like I said, we should never had to deal with this pain, but I am happy with my decision that I walked away and am a bit wiser to what people can be capable of.
I am not trying to sway your thoughts into thinking how I did. You are doing amazingly well by accepting that you are not too sure what you need to do and that you are taking things day by day.
Give yourself time to get through the shock of it all but then have a real deep think about what you thought your life would be like. What sort of life you deserved.. if it is with him, so be it! If he makes you more happy than sad and you can live with what he has done then that is fine. But, he really needs to go to IC or something to dig deep and try and work on what caused his behaviour before you can both consider moving forward.
Remember, it took my XBF 10 days after the breakup to have new updated profiles online "looking for a relationship". I see him as being riddled with whatever it is that causes this behaviour. He does not want help, so I have had to walk away.
Take care of you, please make sure you eat and drink and get out of the house and sleep as much as you can manage. Those basic things are very hard to do at times like this, but they will help you process everything lot better.
Thinking of you ((hugs))
Yeah, one of my biggest concerns is that he did this while everything was great! I worry that he will turn to a lot more porn, messaging other girls and maybe even a PA when things get hard (as they always do at some point). Of course he says he wouldn’t do that. But he also said before he would never do all of the things he has now done.
But I have a feeling he has done this before. I saw his profile on one of the messaging sites and the “info” that he wrote about said he was 27 (but the profile had updated him to the correct age now – he is now 32). So he made that while he was with a girl he was with for a long time I think. And his last girlfriend made him turn off his facebook and a bunch of other stuff. He said she was just crazy and controlling, but now I wonder if she found him doing some of the same stuff. He says has he has not done anything like this before. I’m not sure if he is telling the truth though. In some ways I guess it’s good if he has not done it before, because then this isn’t super long term behavior. But then I wonder – why me? Why did he do it to me then? When everything was so great and he says he is by far the happiest he has ever been and the most in love he has ever been.
Yeah, our outcomes are different. It is funny that you mention LD though. Because he did a lot of this while he was deployed out of the country and another time while he was in England for 10 days. Well he is getting out of the military and starting a new job in a few weeks. He will have to do 8 month of training in Texas (we live in CA). So we will be LD during that time if we are still together. Initially we thought he was going to have to leave in Nov, which would have been horrible timing, but there aren’t any openings at the school, so now it won’t be until April. Which is so much better for us. But that 8 months away from each other scares me SO much! I feel like he will revert back to his old ways.
I’m glad you were able to tell your friends. My friends that do know some have been pretty good for the most part. They just don’t want me hurt. I actually told 2 coworkers that I’m very close to a little about Incident #4 because we are close, but they have not met or will ever really hang out with my BF. But that’s about it. Right now being on here and in IC are really the only places where I feel like I can share everything. But my friends do know that I’ve been going through a hard time and they are supportive.
Thank you for everything you said. Your kind works have meant a lot and I appreciate all of the advice. I’m so glad that you are happy with your decision and wiser now. You sound like a very strong person.
I will definitely give myself time and take care of myself. I had some crazy work stress during all of this too, but as of last week that is finally over. Time to focus on me! Of course, I am an emotional eater and I gained weight with all of this. Which doesn’t help my insecurities I now have after everything(I didn’t have them before), but I know I’ll get the weight off! I’ve already started eating better and I’m back in the gym.
Hugs to you as well!
– I think he understands now that what he did is unhealthy behavior, but he seems uninterested in the why and just says it doesn’t matter because he knows he won’t do it again. What he did has not been going on for years, well with me at least. It started in April 2013 when he was deployed. DDAy #1 was 6/24/13 and DDay #4 was 8/6/13.
Be careful here. There is a difference between him saying he understands and him actually understanding.
I fear you are receiving a lot of lip action and he is only telling you what he thinks you want to hear. (I'm sorry; I won't do it again; I know I won't do it again; I haven't been doing it that long...blah, blah blah)
Him seeming "uninterested" in the "why" would be deeply concerning to me. It tells me that he doesn't see this as "a big deal" and has no interest in changing his behavior.
I don't know if I would call this "porn" either. This is more like interactive Internet sex. In my day we called this "phone sex" but we didn't have the visuals. To me, "porn" is watching a movie or looking at pictures. But there is no interaction with the porn person? (whatever) And if I understand his activity correctly, he is having internet sexual (typing, video, & audio) interaction with these (person(s)) correct?
I seriously, seriously doubt that he just started doing this when he was deployed.
I'm starting to see a pattern here of a serious lying problem and possibly a sexual addiction.
[This message edited by sadtoo at 7:46 PM, September 27th (Friday)]
In some ways I guess it’s good if he has not done it before, because then this isn’t super long term behavior. But then I wonder – why me? Why did he do it to me then? When everything was so great and he says he is by far the happiest he has ever been and the most in love he has ever been.
This has absolutely NOTHING to do with you. NOTHING.
And it's more likely that this has been a long term problem for him. The reason why none of this is making any sense is because he is lying. If it doesn't make sense, it's a lie.
I too looked on all the dating sites to try and get my head together and sure enough there were profiles 7 years old. I also, only the other day, figured something more out. The 200 emails I found on his phone started in November last year (we got together in Sep). I remember looking at him in astonishment when I found them and asked how this could have been going on since NOVEMBER?? Put it like this, he went with that statement and said, yes, it has been that long, but not before. Of course a few days ago I remembered that was when he go his new phone, the older emails just had not transferred...
If he is not giving you the information off his own back then he is hiding things. Prepare yourself that you might only know the tip of a very large iceberg.
I also heard stories of the "crazy ex" - I am almost 100% certain she was not and he did this to her. Poor girl.
And now I am the crazy ex - he thinks that my behaviour is "very very concerning" because I have asked him some questions about the dates he sent most emails on.
Thank you for saying I seem strong - believe me, there are moments when I feel like the weakest person in the world. But I HAVE TO carry on. My life is not this!! I am going to heal and get a better life, we all will.
Please listen to people on here - I respect that I am still very fresh in this mess, but the behaviours of them are so strikingly similar.
If he does not do everything in his power to try and go back and figure out what has happened, then he will do it again. It does sound like there is an addiction and people cannot just give that up! It takes a lot of work and soul searching.
I thought the same thing as you - why me?? Well, why not me? It is NO WAY a reflection on ANYTHING about you. Please believe me. This is completely his issue and now that it is starting to leak out into the real world and hurt people, shit is getting serious and he either needs to accept there is a very serious problem or leave you well alone.
I am so sorry if this comes across as harsh, but I just want you to be happy and to make the right decision, but he has to put in the work first.
And screw the weight gain, just glad to hear you are eating!! Perhaps YOU are stronger than you thought...
I brought up IC for him today. He has said he would do CC with me before if I wanted, but didn’t think it was needed. Anyway, he said fine if I really wanted him to do IC he will. But he doesn’t need to go because he knows he’ll never do it again. That isn’t reassuring to me. I feel like he needs to know the why!
As for the porn Ok here is everything that he did (that I know about):
1)Sexting/sending naked pictures to a girl he had sex with before he knew me that he met off of AFF and they were talking about how they couldn’t wait to have sex again. He said no PA ever and he never had any intention of having sex with her.
2) looking at naked pics online, magazines, etc (like you said it’s a kind of porn)
3) looking at naked and sexual pictures other girls have sent him / watching videos other girls have made for him
4) flirting on facebook messaging with another girl
5) messaging other girls and sending naked pictures to other girls on sites like AFF
6) watching the live sex “porn”. He says that’s the kind he likes. It’s also the kind that also has massaging always available. I know on some sites it can be interactive, but he says he only watches and never interacts (who knows). But I still feel like this is WAY more personal than just watching a porn video.
I agree that he has a lying and probably a sexual addiction problem. He has been on all of these sites for YEARS! That is why I want him to do IC. My therapist said something about him maybe having an addiction and if he doesn't do something about it, it will never get better.
I’m so confused right now. I’m just trying to figure everything out. This site has been helpful. I think it’s brought my worries/concerns/doubts back to the surface when I was trying to bury them (unintentionally). I really appreciate your outlook/advice.
I do believe that he has a lying / possible sexual addiction problem. It is all about him. He did all of this and I am sure he did it to all of the girls before me. I no longer think I am the first.
The whole point of dating is to *sample* -- in an effort to find a person that will make a compatible life partner for you. This guy doesn't sound as if he's compatible with you.
I have questioned if I am compromising my morals/standards/beliefs by staying with him. Especially the type of porn he watches, his views on porn/ strip clubs/ sex/Etc, how easily he disregarded me and my feelings, and some other things about his lifestyle
I understand that you are very invested with him....but. Don't hang your hat on *if* he changes and stops doing <x> or starts doing <y>. He's already been *caught* and promised to stop....and hasn't. Look at who he is right now and ask yourself if that is who you want to hook your trailer to for the long haul. HE says that his x was crazy, blahblah....but based on what you know about his activities.....she wasn't. He has been engaging in this type of behavior for a very long time. And no. He can't stop just because he *says* he will. Ain't gonna happen.
Yes, he's gonna cry and want to hang on to the relationship. As will you.....because of the *investment* that you've both made and because breaking up sucks. But Megs, breaking up with this guy NOW is probably the best course of action. You seem to be trying to fit a square peg into a round hole.
In my effort to be *concise*, I often come off as blunt and harsh. Sorry, don't mean to be offensive.
As I said earlier, I do agree that he has some kind of addiction. Everyone on here, including you, are giving me the strength to really admit that he and a life with him is probably not what I want. My #1 concern and what I ask myself is if I stay with him and eventually marry him am I basically setting myself up for failure? Setting myself up for a life where I get hurt by his EA and maybe eventually PA? I have IC on Wednesday and I think that will be very helpful. I’m just trying to sort out my feelings right now.
How can I believe him when all he has done is lied to me and only told me the truth after getting caught?
Some food for thought:
My XH was also probably a sex addict. He lied, he cheated with multiple OW's and had an OC (other child) with one OW.
All of these things were extremely hurtful. But the lies were by far the worst.
I have a feeling you will soon have your answer about whar to do. He will either get serious with IC & CC or he will be an ass about it and only go once or twice.
That will tell you all you'll need to know.