Like the rest of us on here, I feel as though WBF is lying yet again. I do not trust that all they did while alone together was kiss. He didnt tell me where they were alone together, how often, or how many times and I am now afraid to ask anything else because I feel as though I'm nagging him with the topic. Every day I have a million new questions, and they go unanswered because they are never asked. On Friday I only got up the nerve to ask a few questions, and he answered me. But I couldnt deal with much more, and it was wicked late night, almost 4AM at this point. Sadly our convo had to come to an end. And now I'm afraid to get another one going.
I cannot get this off my mind, regardless of other significant things I have going on. It's as if this has the most priority in my life, though we do have two children. I absolutely HAAAATEEEE this right now. I am constantly sitting in front of this computer almost expecting to find a post on here from someone who found out the truth explaining how they did so, so that I can do it too. I say I'm going to get off, stop doing this to myself, and yet I find myself back on here thinking the same thoughts, looking for answers that only he can give me, and feeling so very hopeless.
I want to call this off, but I'm not strong enough. I want to stay, but I'm not strong enough. I want to be normal and trust again, but I'm not strong enough.
I may go stay at my mom's with my girls for the weekend and try to think and clear my head. That won't happen but it will be much needed time away from him. I do want to be with him all the time because I love this man. But I despise him when he's near, just like I despise him when he's gone for fear of what he might be doing, or who.
This is bullshit. I hate him for doing this to me. I almost want to do it right back so he knows how I feel, I want him to hurt physically because the pain in my chest is damn near explosive. I want to know the truth and I want control over myself again.
Every single day I wake and tell myself today is the day I put this behind me and stop thinking about it. Today I will be happy and not allow this to take over me anymore. Today is the day I wont fight him over dirty dishes when I'm really fighting him over what he did. Today is the day I will not cry. And every single day I fail at what I set out to do. Grrrrr!
Cheating is easy! Why dont you try something more challenging - like being faithful.
It's up to you.
If you feel as if you are nagging, you might want to re-frame that "nagging" label into something like this: you deserve to know what you are dealing with and you deserve the respect to have answers.
Every single day I wake and tell myself today is the day I put this behind me and stop thinking about it. Today I will be happy and not allow this to take over me anymore. Today is the day I wont fight him over dirty dishes when I'm really fighting him over what he did. Today is the day I will not cry. And every single day I fail at what I set out to do.
I almost want to do it right back so he knows how I feel, I want him to hurt physically because the pain in my chest is damn near explosive.
[This message edited by Hope2B at 3:42 AM, September 26th (Thursday)]
I did the same thing you did. It seemed when I kept coming back to this site my fears of what happened intensified. Mostly because I too didn't get the entire story. Some my fault for not going in sequence and mostly my WW's because she lied.
My WW eventually shut down and got mad after a few weeks of questions. Then, I got pissed and said to myself, fuck it, she owes me, fuck her feelings, I'm the hurting one. When I took that stance in my head, outwardly I was polite, but I demanded answers to all my questions. My WW just cam clean 2 days ago. 2 months after DDay #1.
The not knowing held me back from moving forward with accepting what happened and my healing to begin. After my wife came clean, I noticed a change in her too. Way more remorseful. I believe the lies and guilt held her back as well.
Write down what you want answered, take several days to compose your thoughts and questions. Try to get an in-law to watch your kids. Tell your WBF such and such night we are going to go over this and get the story and timeline out for good and start a plan for healing. I repeatedly told my WW that the truth will help me move forward. She wanted to move forward, but was so scared of the truth.
Good luck and stay true to yourself. Don't let this cause you to do something you will regret and will only derail the healing.