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Feeling like I don't have the whole truth

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topperoff22 posted 9/25/2013 20:29 PM

My husband insists he only slept with his ex girlfriend once about seven to eight months ago. However, he continued to text her and talk to her and even had a nickname for her "My angel." The texting and phone calls didn't end when she moved seven states away. IN fact he was planning on flying to see her and claims it was to tell her he wanted to "end things" but at the same time he insists this wasn't even a romantic, or passionate affair. He said most of the time she talked about her marriage and kids and complained and he just listened. He was so miserable the whole time -- he was in adeep depression after losing his grandfather, his father figure, in April of 2012. He wouldn't talk to me or go to counseling. There is so much more to the story, but the bottom line is he has insisted over and over...every time I've asked him about it that he slept with her one time.

But for a long time he insisted he wasn't flying to see her and I had to drag it out of him. HE also lied in the beginning and tried to tell me it wasn't even her he'd slept with and he'd used her as a cover up. Huh?
He's a pathological liar, buthe is really trying hard to find out why he does it (it's his mother) and not do it anymore.

I just don't know if I keep pushing or just assume it was more than once and try to move forward. He said he will never change the story on how many times because it was "JUST once" as if that makes it OK. :(

SI Staff posted 9/26/2013 06:35 AM

Bumping in hopes that others who can relate will read and give advice.

AFrayedKnot posted 9/26/2013 07:22 AM

What work is he doing on himself?
Is he reading any books on infidelity?
Is he in IC?
What work is he doing to understand what you are going through?

I was lied to for 5 months about any sex. I was lied to for another 5 months about all the details including 3 previous A's. It was not until my fWS started reading here and reading "How to help your spouse heal from your affair", that she learned she had to come clean to move forward.

ShedSomeLight posted 9/26/2013 09:39 AM

First let me say that I am so sorry. If you feel like you do not have the full story..then you probably don't! Cheaters minimize. It took me a while to get the full story. It went from a year affair to 3 years...then he finally admitted to several one night stands in addition. If you don't feel you have the full story, then confront him. You deserve the truth and the whole truth. "Hugs" to you.

lostworld posted 9/26/2013 11:04 AM

I am a believer in trusting my gut. I also think that you won't find much peace until he can fully comprehend the notion that an A is an A, is an A, regardless of "just once" or a hundred times. The betrayal is none the lesser, and neither are the pain, loss, confusion, rage, insecurity...just because it occurred "just once." That's really faulty thinking and seems to handcuff the true healing that can come from honesty and transparency; both with ourselves and our spouses.

topperoff22 posted 9/26/2013 20:14 PM

He went to see an IC today. HE's all jolly tonight (not yet back from work) and acting like it was no big deal but is not telling me anything that came from it. When I asked him in the beginning "why" all he would say is he didn't know..he'd have to see a counselor. Now he has and still nothing. I sent him a text earlier to tell him how restless and messed up I feel from all of this and I received no response at all. It's like he has decided he's talked about it all he wants to and that's he goes to a counselor and we just move on. don't believe him about te sex..about how deep the affair was emotionally at all. But i'm just so tired. So tired of asking and getting lie after lie after lie. :(

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