SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

I had posted on here last week about the need to know all of the "dirty" details of the affair and how it has really been getting to me. I talked to FWH about this and told him that I was really feeling the need to know what he did with AP and he told me that he does not remember.

I really have a hard time believing this and wonder if he is saying this as a way to protect me or if he really does not remember. Although I do not understand how he can not remember what he did since I can not forget.

Do you think that he really does not remember?

He remembers. He just doesn't want to have to rehash it with you. And that is just too damn bad. If he wants R he has to follow protocol.

[This message edited by SpiderGrl at 9:27 PM, September 25th (Wednesday)]

There is a thread in General titled, "I don't remember" with a number of responses that you may find interesting.

Drives me nuts. "I don't remember..." LIke the 78 minute conversation my WH had with his AP three days after Dday....claims he was so messed up and upset by it all (claims he actually almost killed himself...I had to talk him out of it while he was staying at an apartment) that he doesn't remember the conversation. B.S. is what I call on that one. You remember it very well...I don't know what he said to her but as far as I know there has been no contact since then.

The I can't remembers make me want to vomit!!! Don't trust that BS!

Complete nonsense. He remembers at least part of it. Every time I got an "I don't know" or "I don't remember", it turned out later that he absolutely did, he just didn't want to tell me or was hiding some small betrayal.

Here's how I got the truth through the "I don't remembers":

Don't just ask a general question, like, "what happened in bed with AP?" and then accept that he forgot. Whenever you hear "I don't remember," ask him to walk you through what he does remember.

Ask him to literally walk you through piece by piece by piece, tiny step by tiny step, ask questions when he leaves something out, and then you can see exactly where his memory "fails" him. Explore "I don't remember" thoroughly, with questions like, "So your mind is just a huge blank from the moment you took your clothes off to the moment you put them back on? I don't think so. Let's find out exactly where your memory fails you. Walk me through everything that you do remember. In detail. Start from [insert last thing you know happened, example, 'you guys walk in from the car']."

Ask for mental images, impressions, things that flash through his mind. There may be some pieces he actually doesn't remember (who opened the door to the house?), but there is always something he CAN give you.

Every time I required WH to do this, and go over and over it, he couldn't keep his story straight, and finally just broke down and told me the truth. Sadly, having to get the truth from him this way, instead of having him volunteer information, was very painful.

[This message edited by Thessalian at 9:46 PM, September 25th (Wednesday)]

Good advice im gonna use that

Well, I think of it this way: remember your last trip to the grocery store.

Do you remember EXACTLY what you did in every aisle, every thing you bought, and how much each item cost? No. But you probably have a recollection of grabbing a cart, a visual of picking up some toothpaste and putting it down, looking at something in the freezer aisle, picking up a magazine at checkout.

You didn't get the damn shopping cart and then lose your memory until you woke up putting the grocery bags in your car, that's completely ridiculous.

If he says he literally doesn't remember a single piece of it, he's lying - how does he even know he had sex with her, then? If he "doesn't remember"? And if he continues to insist, I'd make him go through the experience of getting an MRI so they can look for brain tumors, because someone who happens to lose huge chunks of their memory only during sex has a major neurological problem (hah!)

I think we as BS want to believe SO SO SO badly, we're just clinging to anything they give us that will bring us comfort, some part of us actually wants to take an "I don't remember". But I just think that kind of answer is a huge impediment to moving forward.