Hoping for Serenity, Courage, and Wisdom!!!!
[This message edited by SpiderGrl at 9:27 PM, September 25th (Wednesday)]
The truth hurts, but I have never seen it cause the pain that lies do.
Here's how I got the truth through the "I don't remembers":
Don't just ask a general question, like, "what happened in bed with AP?" and then accept that he forgot. Whenever you hear "I don't remember," ask him to walk you through what he does remember.
Ask him to literally walk you through piece by piece by piece, tiny step by tiny step, ask questions when he leaves something out, and then you can see exactly where his memory "fails" him. Explore "I don't remember" thoroughly, with questions like, "So your mind is just a huge blank from the moment you took your clothes off to the moment you put them back on? I don't think so. Let's find out exactly where your memory fails you. Walk me through everything that you do remember. In detail. Start from [insert last thing you know happened, example, 'you guys walk in from the car']."
Ask for mental images, impressions, things that flash through his mind. There may be some pieces he actually doesn't remember (who opened the door to the house?), but there is always something he CAN give you.
Every time I required WH to do this, and go over and over it, he couldn't keep his story straight, and finally just broke down and told me the truth. Sadly, having to get the truth from him this way, instead of having him volunteer information, was very painful.
[This message edited by Thessalian at 9:46 PM, September 25th (Wednesday)]
7 years of double-digit ONS, LTA, hookers - the works.
First found out: August 20, 2013
Whole truth: January 1, 2014
Do you remember EXACTLY what you did in every aisle, every thing you bought, and how much each item cost? No. But you probably have a recollection of grabbing a cart, a visual of picking up some toothpaste and putting it down, looking at something in the freezer aisle, picking up a magazine at checkout.
You didn't get the damn shopping cart and then lose your memory until you woke up putting the grocery bags in your car, that's completely ridiculous.
If he says he literally doesn't remember a single piece of it, he's lying - how does he even know he had sex with her, then? If he "doesn't remember"? And if he continues to insist, I'd make him go through the experience of getting an MRI so they can look for brain tumors, because someone who happens to lose huge chunks of their memory only during sex has a major neurological problem (hah!)
I think we as BS want to believe SO SO SO badly, we're just clinging to anything they give us that will bring us comfort, some part of us actually wants to take an "I don't remember". But I just think that kind of answer is a huge impediment to moving forward.