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Appreciation

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roses303 posted 9/25/2013 21:29 PM

One of the things we talked about with the MC today is how I am not being receptive enough to WHs efforts. He is being transparent and trying to text me periodically during the day. He's brought flowers home twice which is more than the never he used to and overall he is trying to be more present. But I guess I am not being receptive and appreciative enough and if I don't start changing that he's going to get frustrated and stop trying.

But part of me thinks these are things he should have been doing in the first place. He's only doing these things now to make up for sleeping with my former best friend for 2 years. The fact that he only chose to do these things to keep me from kicking his ass out makes me less than receptive. Our MC wants me to tell him how much I appreciate his efforts, how proud I am that he is committing to the marriage and basically butter him up and stroke his ego. Maybe I'm still to angry about the affair to do that. It makes me feel like he is still benefitting from his bad actions.

Am I totally off base? Do I need to suck it up and start filling that ego boosting role OW filled? Do I need to let go of my pride and expectations?

RidingHealingRd posted 9/25/2013 22:00 PM

Our MC wants me to tell him how much I appreciate his efforts, how proud I am that he is committing to the marriage and basically butter him up and stroke his ego.

What a crock of shit...and I am the type that would tell this to the MC face.

Are you serious? Obviously, your MC has never been cheated on...lucky for him/her. Obviously, your MC has very little (if any) experience dealing with infidelity. Personally, I would find a new MC.

You are 4 month from Dday.

He's only doing these things now to make up for sleeping with my former best friend for 2 years. The fact that he only chose to do these things to keep me from kicking his ass out makes me less than receptive.

^^^Completely understand.

No, you are not off base. What does your WH think?

When I was handed flowers (just months after Dday) and tossed them immediately into the trash I am sure my WH felt bad but he completely understood. He was just thankful that I allowed him to remain in my life. He put up with all sorts of bullshit and NEVER stopped trying.

What part of:

"My WH completely destroyed my M, my life, my sense of well being. He brought tremendous pain into my world. For FOUR months I have struggle daily to crawl out of this black hole"

does your MC NOT understand?

[This message edited by RidingHealingRd at 10:01 PM, September 25th (Wednesday)]

topperoff22 posted 9/25/2013 22:33 PM

I know!!! I have such a hard time showing him appreciation. MY IC and our MC want me to stop looking for the bad he does and try to look for the good. I do, but then I think "Bastard...why couldn't he have been doing good for the last 10 months instead of doing his ex girlfriend!!!!"

ILINIA posted 9/26/2013 07:40 AM

After one of our MC sessions, I was in tears for two days. The counselor was trying to get me ahead of where I was in the healing process. I am only 3 months out and the counselor wanted me to be more receptive and work on how I communicate with WH. I freaked and was told that I was hostile and extremely sarcastic.

I was in pain. I realized I needed to deal with my feelings first. I started going to a different IC and she made a HUGE difference after one session. Basically, she said I can't rush the process, as my body is still reacting to the trauma. I need to let these emotions just be. Oddly, after that session, I felt better than I had in weeks. I had permission to feel pain and it was okay. She also ended with "be kind to yourself and just be" which resonated because I think we are so focused on moving forward and it is okay to just sit in one spot and really feel it.

As for appreciation, I will send WH a one line email that will say something like "I know it doesn't seem like it, but I do appreciate that you helped with the house and kids this weekend. Thanks." I don't get dramatic or overly sweet. I even hate using the word "Thanks" as there are days that I feel like he should never be "thanked"...but I diverge :-)

Don't rush your feelings, you will get there. Maybe hold off on MC and go to IC, that made a huge difference for me.

[This message edited by ILINIA at 7:45 AM, September 26th (Thursday)]

heforgotme posted 9/26/2013 08:00 AM

It is way to soon for this imo. Your "appreciation" at this point is refraining from showing him the door.

I will tell you also that until about last month, WH would get very upset if I thanked him for these types of things and asked me not to do it. He said it hurt him, and for exactly the reason you said.

He should have been doing it all along. And if he had, things might have turned out differently.

Littleleaf posted 9/26/2013 11:01 AM

Oh. I so get this. You are NOT off base.
My WH is the type that needs the ego stroke, the constant approval.
It just makes me retch. My skin crawls - and I have stopped providing him ego-kibbles...
roses303 Do not "let you of your pride and expectations!! It will not work anyway.

I had the same problem with the MC. Wanted me to skip steps I needed "get over it".
SO FRUSTRATING and demoralizing.
This was done to ME. I am the one who is HURT, not my stupid WH.

I was pregnant, horrible sick and on bedrest when WH came home crying that his twenty yr old OW was pregnant and forcing him to choose.

Obviously he chose me.
Whoopee.

It will be a year in october...and although he has come along a bit - there is still so much that he is simply 'not getting'.
And I am the same as you told that I am not receptive and appreciative enough.
Hostile.
Quite frankly, he has not done enough.
You are right. They are doing what should be the baseline behaviour.
Why should they be rewarded for that? 'he is still here - he has not left me", and that THAT should count huge...
What. Ever.
I have not gotten flowers
(would love some :D I should go buy myself a big bunch!)

And if he gets frustrated and stop trying, maybe he is really not worth it.... sounds like the MC has the session all set up
to make your WH feel better, and heal - not you...just my two cents..
good luck

bionicgal posted 9/26/2013 12:05 PM

Hmmm. I guess i am in the minority here.

I do try to be receptive to my h's sincere efforts. I am not always successful, and it is not a free pass, nor an excuse for his A behavior, but why wouldn't I try to be? To punish him? That doesn't seem healthy.

I am angry when i am angry, and hurt when I am hurt. But, I try to see him as a person, too, and not just as extension of myself.

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