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hopeful18 posted 9/25/2013 22:02 PM

My son had surgery today. Thankfully he is fine and we are all home tonight. It has been an exhausting five days.

My wh and I were filling each other in about who called and texted and who we need to get back to. He mentions he got back to everyone but his friend from high school( a girl) I said in a sort of surprised tone that I did not know she knew about the operation. He got extremely defensive. I do not think anything is going on between them at all. They have been friends for thirty years , she stayed with us for a weekend this summer. I know her for a long time although don't particularly have a seperate relationship because she is not my cup of tea. She is nice i nust cind her boring and ditzy. Anyway, wh flys off the handle saying that I am controlling, and I want him to have no friends. He brings up his training group thAt he has not trained with because one member of it developed into an ea. she is no longer on the team so he feels he should be able to train with them. I thought he was not doing it becsuse he was being supportive of my triggers.

He went onto say I want him to have no friends and prevent him from doing what he wants to. He snapped right into his mean mode that he had exhibited for so long. Whenever it comes back, even though it is few and far between it makes me so angry sad and triggery.

Basically he feels like for this to work he can't feel controlled. Never knew I was controlling before tonight! He says he knows he needs to earn my trust back but I need to not control him. He knows he won't betray me again therefore I should believe him. He really was angry. For me I am beyond hurt. Every time I think he gets it something like this happens and it sets us so far back.

It makes me feel like he harbors all these angry feelings towards me and tries to bury them. Then he lashes out. I just feel so bad now. We kind of made up. I told him I was hurt. He is sorry he hurt me. But I think he is not sorry about what he said.

AFrayedKnot posted 9/26/2013 06:22 AM

(((Hopeful18)))

I am happy that the surgery went well for your son.

I am sorry you are struggling though. Angry and defensive does not sound very remorseful to me. The only time my fWS accused me of being controlling was during the peak of her A. For me that would be a huge red flag.

Is he in IC? Are you guys in MC? Is there a way to improve communication and not let him bottle things up?