SurvivingInfidelity.com Forum Archives

Before you scold me understand my story. She conducted an exit affair. She wanted out, she got it. I'm at peace with that. Mostly. I'm in hell but I'm walking. Running at times. I have my head around the process. My therapist is a genius. I'm making progress.

So I got a text today. My brother's boss ran into my STBX at a trade show. The sales person associated with that account observed the awkward exchange between STBX and brother's boss. The text I got said something like : "sales person said he/she has a story about me? From brothers boss. What did you do?" STBX works for a faith based company. Infidelity may mean trouble for her. I texted back : 'No matter what kind of ass hole or monster you need me to be in your mind to justify your bullshit actions you know I would never jeapordize your career.'

So I made some calls. The sales person smells a rat. My brother and his boss are quiet. No reality has penetrated STBX's world. It serves me no purpose to out her to her boss and family. She has told them our marriage is over. No details though. How does one tell one's mother or boss that they are fucking another guy? She will not confront that question and its none of my business now.

The reason I don't out her and shame her is that I need her income to pay the mortgage every month. Once we sell the house my attitude may change. Or if she starts to make things complicated I have that trump card. For now, fair and honorable. For me. For ease and cost.

Fun to think about her stressing over it though.

For now, fair and honorable

Nope, not even close and you know it.

For ease and cost.

Yep, and totally understand.

Fun to think about her stressing over it though

Absofreakinglutely.

Strength brother

Once we sell the house my attitude may change. Or if she starts to make things complicated I have that trump card.

I think its smart to protect your interests here.

When the time comes you may find you don't care enough to out her anyway. Karma feels so much better when you have no hand in it.

A word of caution though, it is likely her dirty little secret will come out through no action of ours - very often they out themselves. I hope you have a plan B in case that happens.

A couple of thoughts. First of all, I'm in a similar position. My hasband had the affair. So, that's where I'm coming from. My first thought is that when we were thrown into this situation by no fault of our own, we lose control.It's like we're in a vehicle, but we're in the back seat with an unknown driver going 100 mph. There's nothing to hang onto and no way of stopping. So, we have to figure out ways to regain some of that control. It sounds to me like you have a bit of control over this situation, if you keep her secrets. And that can be a good thing.

A word of caution though; I really do believe that we are only as healthy as our secrets. Keeping my hasband's affair a secret for many years, ended up taking a huge toll on me. My mental healthy suffered. My physical health went downhill; I went from being a healthy person, to a person 50+lbs overweight (and that's a whole other story), with high blood pressure, and ulcers. My therapist helped me to realize that my marriage (and secret keeping) could cost me my life. I had uncontroled and very high BP.

The way I look at it now is that I have given up my roll as the keeper of the secrets. If I want to and feel like it, I tell people that my Christian hasband had a long term affair. Don't get me wrong...I'm not vindictive and I don't just blab it all over. But I am free from feeling like I have to keep my mouth shut. And that is so freeing! You see, what his secrets did was keep me from getting the support I needed. You can't get support if you don't tell anyone what you're going through. So, I guess what I'm saying, is be careful. If you feel like keeping the secret is too costly for you, you may have to rethink things.

Just my 2-cents. ~L

I think divorce is war especially in an exit affair. I think you should hold nothing back and use all you have to break her in any way you can. Let all her secrets out and let the chips fall. Forget about money! You will make more. She most likely didn't think of you or your feelings for one second as she planned her exit . My stbxww did the same and am I still angry? Hell yes but much less than months ago, now more indifferent. But I still believe in war you fight with all you have and that pressure bursts pipes. In other words if it was me I would get her fired and tell her family and whatever because she deserves nothing less. But that is just my opinion either way I wish you the best and stay strong .

I guess I forgot to mention that it's only a secret to a couple of people, mostly her coworkers. People I don't know, don't care about, don't care about their opinion of me and will never see again in my life. every single one of my friends and family and my coworkers know all the details. I spend hours a day on the phone. I'm an open book to my people and their support has been amazing. There's not enough money to fight about and I would rather focus my energy on moving on. Her secret and the lies she lives with are her burden and the stress will likely break her. Hopefully I'll be long gone by then. It's not my problem anymore.

but we're in the back seat with an unknown driver going 100 mph.

Even worse-the driver is your beloved trusted spouse

I have given up my roll as the keeper of the secrets.

That's one of the main reasons I told the OW BS. I was not going to enable them!

My exWW was in an exit affair too, so I know how that feels. The anger and distrust is unreal. I kept her secret from the OM's wife for ten months. And it was wrecking my health. I lost 35 lbs and was suicidal. I didn't know what to do. After the anger stage hit me I called her to tell her. It took me ten months to get to that stage. Looking back I should have done it immediately because somehow I still wanted to protect her because I loved her. I didn't sleep for ten months. I realized her secret was not for me to burden. When I told her it was like a huge weight was lifted and I slept the whole night for the first time in what seemed forever without being sleep induced somehow. Her response: "I think telling her was such a shitty thing to do." My response: "Oh and what you did to this poor woman,her family, my son and me WASN"T a shitty thing?"

It's their train of thought. They change and will blame you. Don't fall for it and do what you feel is right. You know the answer within.