I feel like as the BS we are stuck in this never ending catch 22. For example, the OW is blonde and skinny. I have dark hair and I'm curvy. OW has fake boobs. I've had 3 ginormous babies who left their mark. But I will admit that there are times I look at myself and just know that I am a beautiful woman. Going to the gym the last 7 months and losing weight makes me feel like I'm trying to be like her. That me before can't compare. But if I don't go then me before was cheated on. Yes, I know it's all about him. I don't think it changes the fact that there was an aspect of comparison. Even if it was just because we are different. So I have to choose which way I want to feel bad over the other. I feel like she doesn't have that crap attached to being who she is. Wouldn't it be nice to be her (I don't mean literally)? She is who was chosen over the wife for being just the way she was. I also feel that while the logical/psychological stuff...it wasn't about you, only you can make you happy...is legit, it doesn't mean that a relationship is just about ONLY making yourself happy and thereby being healthy for your partner. I feel like that is a big component. But that we still want some of what the OW got. Being told that you're wonderful. Knowing that who you are makes someone want you. But the catch 22 is that that feeling is never going to be quite right. Maybe now the WS wants us. But at some point they didn't wholly want us. We will never get what the OW got. The argument can be made that it wasn't real. But I'm sure her feelings of feeling special where real. Eh...I guess I just feel like crap tonight because of some triggers and I needed to babble.
[This message edited by TattoodChinaDoll at 11:32 PM, September 25th (Wednesday)]
Confronted him: 12/22/2011
This is the most difficult thing I've ever done.
I often feel just the same way. It is disheartening and sad. Sometimes I feel like I'm always going to be second best. There will always be the knowledge that he picked her over me. Maybe not long term but for a time.
I pray every day that this feeling will pass but ever since the one year mark it has gotten worse. :(
Eta: And this is also a rant about the catch 22 we find ourselves in with the choices that come out of this.
[This message edited by TattoodChinaDoll at 12:18 AM, September 26th (Thursday)]
[This message edited by womaninflux at 12:25 AM, September 26th (Thursday)]
Married: April 9, 1994
Caught at AP's house: 10 Aug 2012
Admitted PA: 12 Aug 2012
TT ended: Jan 2014
Every Saint has a Past; every Sinner has a Future.
I understand what you are going through with this. I went through a version of it for about 9 months. The difference is, I was determined to not ever compare myself to her, because she was a non entity in my book. Always has been. I had to fix it my mind. My mind was more the battlefield.
You are losing weight and going to the gym in spite of yourself, not because of yourself. Why?
because I knew WH was attracted to me and loved me
I remember feeling like this and the thing that got to me was not how she looked but how young she was. Nothing I could do about that. I couldn't be 20 yrs younger. No way around it.
I think sometimes unfortunately this is where being a madhatter gives me the unique perspective of knowing that what HL did had nothing to do with me. He didn't go after her because of a lack in me, or suddenly I turned him off and someone did it for him better. I could truly get that it was all about him and nothing to do with me.
**The cruelest lies are often told in silence- Robert Louis Stevenson
At the time of the A my daughter (then 14yo) spent a day at my fWH's work and got to meet OW (didn't know that's who she was back then!) and came home going on and on about "B" that works with Dad "she is so lovely, so pretty and bubbly and she was so nice to me, I just LOVED her" Boy-oh-boy do those words of DD's come back to haunt me again and again now that I know the truth about "B". Add to this the fact that my fWH never chose me... you see, OW dumped him... he never suddenly came to his senses and chose me... rather, he came creeping back to me with his tail between his legs.
I'm left feeling that when fWH chose to have the affair with "lovely, pretty, bubbly B" he judged me and found me wanting. He preferred B. He did.
I have read all the stuff about it not being about me, about it being about fWH's brokenness, about how it could have been "anyone" he was just looking for validation etc etc. The bottom line is that, somewhere deep inside me, no matter how much I try to convince myself otherwise, there is a sad little voice that sometimes says "you were not pretty/thin/bubbly enough.. she was what he wanted."
[This message edited by jost1125 at 7:51 PM, September 29th (Sunday)]