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Newest Member: Giupeppe (46032)

User Topic: Hanging out with friend who cheated on his partner
mamak
♀ 35969
Member # 35969
Default  Posted: 11:37 PM, September 25th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Well.... MIL's cancer has spread and WH is headed back to take care of her for the next two weeks. I have no problem with this and if he hadn't mentioned going I would have insisted.

My problem is that one of his friends cheated on his girl (they have been together forever and have kids together) with a much younger girl and runs a bar. I do not want WH hanging out with him. I don't need that worry in my life regardless of WH's "barriers". I don't need this guy shoving girls at my husband to help him feel better (his friend knows that he cheated btw).

I asked WH to please not go to this friends bar while he is there. Is this out of line?

[This message edited by mamak at 11:38 PM, September 25th (Wednesday)]


Me - 37, Him - 34
Married - 12 years
Three kiddos (oldest is mine) - 9, 11,13
DDay #1 - 4/21/2012, Discovered 3 mo. EA (texts, phone calls, nude pics, sexting, 1 kiss)
R - 4/24/12. R going well

Posts: 287 | Registered: Jun 2012
Neznayou
♀ 40654
Member # 40654
Default  Posted: 11:49 PM, September 25th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

The "friend" is not a friend of the relationship if he actively cheats, encourages or even condones cheating. I suggest outlining the reasons why hanging out at this friend's bar is unacceptable and avoid simply stating a demand.


Me: WW
Caught at AP's house: 10 Aug 2012
Admitted PA: 12 Aug 2012
TT ended: Jan 2014

"Power, Lincoln, real power comes not from hate, but from truth."


Posts: 342 | Registered: Sep 2013 | From: America to Europe
Lostinthismess
♀ 39210
Member # 39210
Default  Posted: 11:53 PM, September 25th (Wednesday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Not at all out of line. He should have no problem saying that he has no problem with it either. If he does, then I would be concerned.


'You just keep living, until you are alive again'
'I don't want perfect, I want honest'

Posts: 339 | Registered: May 2013
heforgotme
♀ 38391
Member # 38391
Default  Posted: 9:47 AM, September 26th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I don't think you are out of line at all. We make it a point to avoid unremorseful waywards, even those who are family.

To me the point is not that WH might in some way be "tempted", but that by being friends with these people we would be indirectly condoning infidelity.


D-Day 11/15/12
5 month PA
Married 20 years, 3 kids
All good is hard. All evil is easy. Dying, losing, cheating, and mediocrity is easy. Stay away from easy.
- Scott Alexander
It was the day I thought I'd never get through - Daughtry

Posts: 1091 | Registered: Feb 2013 | From: FL
SorrowBhindSmile
♀ 38139
Member # 38139
Default  Posted: 10:18 AM, September 26th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Absolutely positively not, its not out of line at all.

Part of healing and R is surrounding yourselves with people that make you feel safe. friends of the marriage. This friend violates that feeling of safety because he is NOT a friend of the marriage. While your WH may have his boundaries in check, this friend may not, and that just creates an environment for fear, doubt & miscommunication of intentions.

Loosing friends and friendships is a sad consequence in the aftermath of an A....but one that has to happen in order for healing to take place.

You are making the right decision. Be sure to communicate your feelings to your WH, and let him know its not a "wifey says no" wrist slap kind of thing.....its all about creating a safe environment for R. if your WH is on the same page, he wont have any problem not hanging out with this friend.

hugs to you.


Me: BW
Him: WH
OW: My former "dear friend"/neighbor
Married 20+
Kids: 3
D-Day 12/2012
Committed to R 7/8/2013
"Believe in yourself and all that you are. Know that there is something inside you that is greater than any obstacle"

Posts: 357 | Registered: Jan 2013
BW2639
♂ 34875
Member # 34875
Default  Posted: 10:20 AM, September 26th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

NO!!...it's not out of line. IMHO , he shouldn't be going to bars at all, much less with a "cheater friend" AND away from you.


married 21 yr
Reconciling

Posts: 178 | Registered: Feb 2012
BW2639
♂ 34875
Member # 34875
Default  Posted: 10:20 AM, September 26th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Sorry...double post

[This message edited by BW2639 at 10:21 AM, September 26th (Thursday)]


married 21 yr
Reconciling

Posts: 178 | Registered: Feb 2012
SisterMilkshake
♀ 30024
Member # 30024
Default  Posted: 10:34 AM, September 26th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Even in the best of times, your WH shouldn't be hanging out with people who aren't friends of the marriage. But, to add to that a death (or possible impending death) of a loved one your WH is going to be feeling vulnerable. He needs to be surrounded by strength, not weakness.

So many affairs are triggered with the death of a loved one. My FWH met his predatory OW the year his father died. I also got a diagnosis of cancer a month after FIL's death. Add to that FWH's unresolved FOO issues and it was just a matter of time.

[This message edited by SisterMilkshake at 10:36 AM, September 26th (Thursday)]


BW (me) 50ish FWH 50ish
Married 34 years, 3 children
d-day 3/10 LTA (4 yrs./fucking & flirting)

"Oh, why do my actions have consequences?" ~ Homer Simpson
"She knew my one weakness: That I'm weak!" ~ Homer Simpson


Posts: 10085 | Registered: Nov 2010 | From: The Great White North USA
Topic Posts: 8

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