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User Topic: I'm tired
Unagie
♀ 37091
Member # 37091
Default  Posted: 12:02 AM, September 26th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I'm so tired guys, I wake up feeling exhausted. I have too much shit going through my head all the damn time. You know what I figured out about me? I allow others to look better in my eyes by making myself feel less than. What i mean by this is someone does something or says something shitty that would make others look at them as fucked up. I then look and say something to myself like well they did this but you did a, b, c, d so who's really worse here? It's so bad sometimes that when I'm feeling normal for a moment I force a memory of something shitty or harp on something in mu mind twisting and turning it so I feel rotten about whatever it is. The second one disturbs me because the majority of the actions or thoughts I do that to are not deserving of that level of guilt and shame feeling. As soon as I realize what I'm doing I forcibly shut my mind down and force myself to relax my thoughts. Haven't figured out why I do it yet but I'm working on it. I think part of it is that life is such shit right now that there has to be a reason for it, I have to be a horrible person to have made the choices in life that have gotten me here, I have to deserve the misery because if I don't then I feel even worse.

I know it's not logical and I am working on breaking that thought process. Include a stupid amount of work hours, my mom being sick and barely any sleep and I feel bone tired every day and utterly hopeless sometimes. This is not a pity party this is me being honest about how I feel and about how hard this shit is for me right now. I'm not running away from the work on me, I work on me every day, I just need a break from the constant mind fuck. I'm so very tired.


Heartbroken madhatter trying to rebuild

No longer together

"There are times when our reality is nothing but pain, and to escape that pain the mind must leave reality behind." Patrick Rothfuss


Posts: 2798 | Registered: Oct 2012
ThoughtIKnewYa
♀ 18449
Member # 18449
Default  Posted: 3:23 AM, September 26th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

(((Unagie)))

How is your mom doing?? I was checking your recent posts for the answer to that question and that's how I found this thread.

A while back (I can't remember how long- maybe when you first got here?), we were talking about your childhood and you talked about seeing a lot of horrible things going on around you, but you carried on with school. I'm wondering if you're suffering from a form of survivor's guilt?? I think that ALL of the issues you've dealt with here may have something to do with that. JMO and I could be wrong, but that was my first instinct when we talked about that.

ETA: Please read and re-read your taglines.

[This message edited by ThoughtIKnewYa at 3:24 AM, September 26th (Thursday)]


Posts: 11791 | Registered: Mar 2008
aesir
♂ 17210
Member # 17210
Default  Posted: 3:40 AM, September 26th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Here is one of my old tag lines, taken from an episode of Babylon 5.

I used to think it was awful that life was so unfair. Then I thought, 'wouldn't it be much worse if life *were* fair, and all the terrible things that happen to us come because we actually deserve them?' So now I take great comfort in the general hostility and unfairness of the universe.

It may not work for you, but once I embraced that philosophy, I started to feel a lot better.

I then look and say something to myself like well they did this but you did a, b, c, d so who's really worse here?
I think you are making a mistake here in judging based on what you have done, instead of what you are doing. Who we are changes constantly. Who we are is a choice we make everyday, even if others do not recognize those choices.


Your mileage may vary... in accordance with the prophecy.

Do not back up. Severe tire damage.


Posts: 14924 | Registered: Nov 2007 | From: Winnipeg
HurtsButImOK
♀ 38865
Member # 38865
Default  Posted: 4:45 AM, September 26th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

^^what aesir said

Try to stop measuring yourself against other people. Who do you want to be? Find your inner value. That is what really matters.

Unagie, the work you have done, the struggles you have posted are incredible to read (in a good way). People fuck up and make bad choices. You are a good and valuable person who shows her true strength of character by the work you are putting in to overcome the hurdles and be a better person. You just need to start believing that.


Me: Awesome - 35.... ummm, not anymore

"Ive learned that people will forget what you said, people will forget what you did, but people will never forget how you made them feel". Maya Angelou


Posts: 756 | Registered: Apr 2013 | From: Australia
Unagie
♀ 37091
Member # 37091
Default  Posted: 9:42 AM, September 26th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

TIKY it might be a form of that, something to further look into. My mom is okay right now, they need to run more tests so it is a sit and wait thing at the moment.

Aesir and Hurts those words do help me and I thank you for the advice.


Heartbroken madhatter trying to rebuild

No longer together

"There are times when our reality is nothing but pain, and to escape that pain the mind must leave reality behind." Patrick Rothfuss


Posts: 2798 | Registered: Oct 2012
nowiknow23
♀ 33226
Member # 33226
Default  Posted: 10:07 AM, September 26th (Thursday), 2013View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I think part of it is that life is such shit right now that there has to be a reason for it, I have to be a horrible person to have made the choices in life that have gotten me here, I have to deserve the misery because if I don't then I feel even worse.
Maybe, Unagie. Or maybe life is just patently unfair and (at times) miserable. It's incredibly easy to personalize that and believe we somehow deserve the misery, but that doesn't make it true. Bad things happen. Crap piles up.

I'm sorry you're having a rough time. Be gentle with yourself.


You can call me NIK

"Keep your face always toward the sunshine - and shadows will fall behind you."
-Walt Whitman


Posts: 26166 | Registered: Aug 2011
Topic Posts: 6

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