I know it's not logical and I am working on breaking that thought process. Include a stupid amount of work hours, my mom being sick and barely any sleep and I feel bone tired every day and utterly hopeless sometimes. This is not a pity party this is me being honest about how I feel and about how hard this shit is for me right now. I'm not running away from the work on me, I work on me every day, I just need a break from the constant mind fuck. I'm so very tired.
"You must try to generate happiness within yourself. If you aren't happy in one place, chances are you won't be happy anyplace." Ernie Banks
How is your mom doing?? I was checking your recent posts for the answer to that question and that's how I found this thread.
A while back (I can't remember how long- maybe when you first got here?), we were talking about your childhood and you talked about seeing a lot of horrible things going on around you, but you carried on with school. I'm wondering if you're suffering from a form of survivor's guilt?? I think that ALL of the issues you've dealt with here may have something to do with that. JMO and I could be wrong, but that was my first instinct when we talked about that.
ETA: Please read and re-read your taglines.
[This message edited by ThoughtIKnewYa at 3:24 AM, September 26th (Thursday)]
I used to think it was awful that life was so unfair. Then I thought, 'wouldn't it be much worse if life *were* fair, and all the terrible things that happen to us come because we actually deserve them?' So now I take great comfort in the general hostility and unfairness of the universe.
I then look and say something to myself like well they did this but you did a, b, c, d so who's really worse here?
Do not back up. Severe tire damage.
Try to stop measuring yourself against other people. Who do you want to be? Find your inner value. That is what really matters.
Unagie, the work you have done, the struggles you have posted are incredible to read (in a good way). People fuck up and make bad choices. You are a good and valuable person who shows her true strength of character by the work you are putting in to overcome the hurdles and be a better person. You just need to start believing that.
"I’ve learned that people will forget what you said, people will forget what you did, but people will never forget how you made them feel". –Maya Angelou
Aesir and Hurts those words do help me and I thank you for the advice.
I think part of it is that life is such shit right now that there has to be a reason for it, I have to be a horrible person to have made the choices in life that have gotten me here, I have to deserve the misery because if I don't then I feel even worse.
I'm sorry you're having a rough time. Be gentle with yourself.
"And never grow a wishbone, daughter, where your backbone ought to be."
- Sarah McMane