"You can survive this. Talk to others that have"

MJane posted 9/26/2013 03:19 AM

I know the advice is not to make big decisions early on but at what point is it right to trust instincts? Mine have been way off as I knew something was wrong but never suspected betrayal. I ask because every cell in my being is screaming at me "this man doesn't love you enough and never will". Even now, with all the pain he has caused me, all he can tell me as his reason for trying for R is that "he has always loved me and we click". He had no problems writing to the OW she was the light of his life, the woman he had been waiting for for 40 years, everything he dreamed of etc. Yet I get "love you" and "clicking" and am supposed to think that is enough. I know I'd have a hard time believing anything he said but it would make a difference if he actually said I was the woman of his life and he realises that now - something that at least acknowleges "why" I should put up with these daily nightmares. All my instincts say run from this man as he thinks he can come back easily and he doesn't love you the way you deserve to be loved....

Hope2B posted 9/26/2013 03:29 AM

Believe your instincts that tell you this man doesn't love you. He is trying to do damage control.

I don't know the details, but from this post, he is a liar and trying to manipulate you with the "love you" --which is missing the personal pronoun "I" (kind of a BIG thing to not include, IMNSHO), and with his using "clicking." What the hell is clicking supposed to mean? You two are good in bed? Is that clicking? Oh puleeze!

he has always loved me and we click

Sorry, but that's bullshit.
If he always loved you, he would never have behaved so reprehensibly, let alone his writing *sweet words* to the OW.

He should have honored YOU above all others, no matter what.

Are you doing the 180?

it would make a difference if he actually said I was the woman of his life and he realizes that now - something that at least acknowleges "why" I should put up with these daily nightmares

PLEASE know that if he said these words, he'd be LYING again.

My guess is that he is hoping to get a free pass and manipulate you so he can be in a more comfortable place.

Please know that I sure don't have all the answers. I am so sorry you are questioning

[This message edited by Hope2B at 3:31 AM, September 26th (Thursday)]

MJane posted 9/26/2013 03:43 AM

I don't really understand the 180 - I am the sort of person that wears her heart on her sleeve and so it is pretty clear I still feel something for him which is probably why he feels like rug-sweeping. I am so very broken and he doesn't come anywhere near giving me the validation I need. I feel so weak so letting him stay in our home - such a big part of me wants to believe he does love me and we can make it work & be a family with my son. Another part of me is screaming to have him move out & to start getting over this. I am so very very sad and part of me doesn't want to let go of the past happier times. on the clicking front he spoke of the happier times when "we clicked" and that sunshine would come out & make him complete - this man speaks a lot about "him" and what makes/made him happy - at a time when he has tread all over my heart...

sinsof thefather posted 9/26/2013 04:14 AM

..this man speaks a lot about "him" and what makes/made him happy...

...but nothing about how unhappy and DEVASTATED he has made you. Even that example you posted of his words to OW are still all about him. The light of his life, the woman he had been waiting for, everything he dreamed of. In fact (and forgive me if I have you mixed up with someone else) but didn't he originally say something like he is 'happier now' because he finally knows what 'he' wants... Where are you in this? Or even the OW for that matter? It's all about him. Now all cheaters are selfish when they are cheating in my opinion, and he may just be still seriously fogged up and selfish, and that's all. But for some it does go deeper than that. Does he seem almost emotionally untouched by it all now that he knows what he wants? Or does he show signs of any true remorse and empathy? ...and is he in IC?

MJane posted 9/26/2013 04:32 AM

He has yet to start IC - he has promised to start but the recommended counsellor was backed up into November. I think it is all about him. He has moments when he shows remorse and says he is "deeply ashamed" and is sorry for the "mistake" and what he has done to me but he actually said this was our chance for a "fresh start" (as if we just turn the page) and I can hear him whistling downstairs some mornings. He ended it with the OW (who seems to have been a pretty damaged desperate woman -she landed on my doorstep with the email "evidence" of their relationship & was extremely creepy - telling me at the early hours of the morning how she'd been in my home and touched my baby son). I actually don't feel in any way in competition with her - indeed I wonder how he can have thrown away his M & new family on someone who seems to be more than a little obsessive - or maybe that was the appeal). I hate that I still want this man to show me affection & remorse - I loved him deeply & part of me clings on to the ideal that maybe is a fiction. He rented a flat, had a double life, it ended because OW told me & not because he owned up & made a choice....he clearly promised to leave me on multiple occasions - I just don't understand why he didn't if she was everything he dreamed of. I am very lost and conflicted. We have an MC on Monday but am not sure I can hang in there till then...