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ow and pity??!!??

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daisychains posted 9/26/2013 04:41 AM

So feeling stirrings of pity - not sympathy - pity for what he put her through - to feel sad for what he did to her - she may have walked into it knowingly - ready to help him hurt a woman she didn't know, only too ready to believe his lies but did she deserve to be treated like that. Dumped without a word after months of him running back and forth between us both - after years of catering to his ego - him telling us both that it was them he loved and the other he didn't - is she really any more stupid than me for wanting to believe him.

I find it hard to fathom that he is the man I fell in love - that he is capable of such disrespect not just to me but to a woman who he thought was good enough to provide him with the "love and affection he wasn't getting from his family". Yesterday I felt real hatred for this woman - today sad quiet pity - tomorrow who knows - .

And yet why this stirring of pity? I've seen the emails - this woman had no genuine care for what she knew he was doing to me - no guilt "she'll get over it - I did" so why do I not stay defiantly smug at the knowledge that she became increasingly screwed up.

I've read a few ow support forums - they are all so convinced that their mm stays in the marriage for the sake of the children (sometimes these "children" are in their mid twenties!) - because of finances etc, rarely for the wife and then only because of a sense of obligation. Ow have the real love of the mm and their poor (decent) fella is trapped in a loveless sexless marriage . Over and over I read this and they all believe what they have is real and their circumstances unique.

Then yesterday my fwh told me how ow went through hell the last year of lta because they were both getting screwed up - he told me how much they argued (all the time) and how she wanted to know what their future was - she was utterly convinced that when he confessed to me - we would split up and they would start a new life together and what ........ suddenly he would become a faithful man that she could trust (she had already told him she never would).

He told me this not in an attempt to make me feel sorry for her but because we were talking about the damage done to our marriage after his confession, He said that after he told me and then spent several months running back and forth between us that they were not continuing to have a great time while I got all the shit - that the same arguments we were having so were they - same accusations - no wonder his ic told him to get away from the two women in his life!

I told him I have thought about it from her point of view - I have tried to understand how a woman who knows what it feels like to have her husband do this to her could so willingly find a married man so blatantly prepared to do this to his wife in any way attractive.

In the end whatever she went through it was her choice - she walked into it with her eyes open - they both did - it was self inflicted by both to both.

So why the pity?

Today I find the whole thing ... so pathetic .... such a waste ....... sad.

[This message edited by daisychains at 4:44 AM, September 26th (Thursday)]

PrincessPeach06 posted 9/26/2013 06:41 AM

I have occasionally felt something (pity!?) when thinking about OW. Basically in her eyes he "got what he wanted" and immediately blocked her. He never spoke another word to her two days after the ONS when he went NC. She tried and tried but her only contact was with me after she tried everything to get a response.

I have thought about how she must have felt being "used" and then making a complete fool out of herself declaring her love and "spiritual connection" she was sure they had. How she would drop everything to be with him after a month and one sexual encounter. Yeah she looked really silly and there is a part of me that supposes I feel some sort of pity for her.

But she brought it all on herself, knew she was messing with a married man so I really don't know. I get this image of me just looking down at her and shaking my head saying "poor,silly child" even though she's older than me. LOL

lost_in_toronto posted 9/26/2013 07:00 AM

I have felt pity for the OW often since dday. She still tries four years later to goad him into contact. She is older than us, and I think when the A happened she really thought she would end up with my WS and all we had worked for - our security, our home. She had just broken up with her partner, had no real place to live once the summer was up, and he was her plan. But he walked away, and only communicated with her a couple of times after dday. Her messages after that are...pitiful. Sad, angry, lonely, bewildered.

She got exactly what she deserved, but I still pity her. Personally, I have found it far more powerful to pity her than to hate her.

I told him I have thought about it from her point of view - I have tried to understand how a woman who knows what it feels like to have her husband do this to her could so willingly find a married man so blatantly prepared to do this to his wife in any way attractive.

This is certainly perplexing. I think the answer is probably that her WH taught her she deserved nothing better than that - and she believed him.

[This message edited by lost_in_toronto at 7:02 AM, September 26th (Thursday)]

SisterMilkshake posted 9/26/2013 08:04 AM

I don't think I have ever felt one minute of pity for the OW.

pity for what he put her through
Naw, she put herself through it. Your fwh didn't make her do anything, she willingly and happily put herself right there.

struggling16 posted 9/26/2013 08:10 AM


I agree with SisterMilkshake. The AP willingly pursued a married man. She chose to have a relationship with someone she knew was a liar and a cheater. She invited a dishonest manipulator into her life.

I will never feel pity for the AP.

Painfuljourney posted 9/26/2013 08:39 AM

Nope never. I laughed at how he treated her. I think she now sees what a piece of meat she really was. She said the L word, he never did. He just wanted his ego stroked and then some sex. She was in lala land. He might have felt bad for how he used the bitch. But now he has anger for her. She knew what she was getting herself into. She asked for it.

wifehad5 posted 9/26/2013 10:07 AM


There is no venting or name calling allowed in the Reconciliation forum. Please familiarize yourself with the guidelines and forum description and post accordingly.

daisychains posted 9/26/2013 10:41 AM

Ah ladies and there in lies the reason for having once posted I was feeling totally pissed off for feeling that way.

SisterMilkshake - your fwh didn't make her do anything -

struggling16 - she invited a dishonest manipulator into her life -

ain't that the truth - but nice to read it said by somebody other than me

I'm afraid the pity has left the building!

SisterMilkshake posted 9/26/2013 10:44 AM

Josephine01 posted 9/26/2013 10:56 AM

At first I felt like my WH might have led her on and she was just to week to stop what was going on. You see, her husband died and my H offered his selfless and caring hand to guide her though it (what a flipped joke).

But later I learned that she had been mocking me,laughing about me. Then later after their stuff was over, she had someone else's man on a string. And that is just a little bit of what I learned. She is mentally disturbed that is for sure, and I may feel some pity for her. But, she has made her bed literally.

Her life has been awful since. Even though I feel bad for the events that occurred in her life before and after the A (because they were tragic. I don't feel bad they happened to her.

LA44 posted 9/26/2013 12:33 PM

You know...I just wrote quite a little piece on General about the AP in our life. I don't know that I ever felt pity for her. He broke our vows but she helped violate our marriage. I asked my H if he ever felt bad for her and he said, "She knew what she was doing." When she saw him in Jan., after I found out she said it felt like "all the lights went out." I knew at that point that she could not care less about me. The 4 weeks since D-day did nothing to get her thinking about her horrible behavior.

After seeing her last week for the first time and witnessing her behavior....that sealed the deal. All I can say is that after six months of being on this site.... I got it out on General today!


FYI SisterMilkshake: Your PM box is full. You are so popular!

[This message edited by LA44 at 12:34 PM, September 26th (Thursday)]

Littleleaf posted 9/26/2013 12:34 PM

Hatred now. Pity before.

She is 21 yrs younger than him. Grew up with her grandparents, because her mummy never wanted her. Never met her Dad, he did not want her either.

She made it known that she prefers married or in-a-relationship men - easier for her to get what she needed. Less hassle, for her.

She pays for services (tatoos, auto repair, and now office work ) with sex.

Is 'used to it' (hurt) when men use her body to relieve themselves.

She, however believed WH completely when he told he LOVED her, that he wished he could be with her instead of me.

She told him that he treated her the best out of ALL the men she has been with. (Huh, cheating at work while his wife is pregnant at home.)

She posted "Just because we do bad things - does not mean we are bad people."

Lets not forget she knew ME. Knew we lost a set of twins the August before. Knew that WH was a friggin mess about it.

She's a snake. A cold blooded reptile.

WH felt pity for her too, now it is anger and revulsion.

He says it is like eating his own sh*t with a fork, when he had to talk with her afterwards.

So, shelve the pity.
These women, are sociopathic in thier quest ... they think of no one but themselves.

just my two cents

Deeply Scared posted 9/26/2013 12:43 PM


Please pay attention that there was already a flag thrown by another Moderator regarding namecalling/venting about the OP in this forum.

Thank you.

SadFlower posted 9/26/2013 13:47 PM

I do not feel one bit sorry for OW. My WH said he initiated the A, but she participated eagerly.

During my WH's NC phone call, she had such a bad panic attack that he almost called 911. She could barely breathe, apparently. She saw my FWH as a lifeline, and she lost that. He had told her that they would never get caught. Surprise!

She's sent two messages to FWH in the past year. It's clear that she is still pining for him.

I feel not one shred of pity. I feel disgust and contempt.

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