"So often times it happens, that we live our lives in chains and we never even know we have the key"
I have had this trigger since h and I have been back together. I have not confronted it in a real way just pushed it away, refused to acknowledge it.
It came on last night and it was bad. It's his hands. I kept getting "pictures" in my head of where those hands have been.
We were lying on the couch, his hands were sore from roofing yesterday. I got lotion and was massaging his hands. These "pictures" kept popping into my head. I got so anxious, rapid heart, twitching came back, haven't done that in a while.
What the heck can you do with this one? He can't get new hands! I tried rationalizing with myself...it's been months, it wasn't important, it wasn't "real", look where you are now, even he has washed them many times.
It made me feel ill. It made me want to get away from him.
Earlier in the evening, h read my post from the other day, I asked him to. I was a long one about this time last year and all of my thoughts and pain because of it.
I asked him what he thought and his only reply was, "it's what we were talking about before". We had talked a little about it, but not much. When we were talking he did say, " I'm sorry I did that".
I guess I was hoping for a more emotional response from him when he read the raw version of my pain. A hug, maybe more comforting words. It is just not in him. I think I set myself up for disappointment.
After he read it, I went to him and said, "can I ask you one question?". He instantly got impatient, roll of the eyes, deep sigh. He did quickly apologize and say "okay, I'm sorry, what is it?". I just wanted to know if it made him feel angry to read my unfiltered words. He said no.
That was it. Nothing else was said about it.
As I was triggering, he noticed, hard not to when I twitch (embarrassing), he asked "what's wrong?", I replied, "I am having a difficult time with something in my head". He didn't respond. I didn't say anymore either. I chose not to because I could sense his distance. I chose not to because I was already hurting and just couldn't take on any more last night. I didn't want to risk him hurting me.
Does anyone ever do that, wait until it feels safe to share something painful?
And then, what can he do about his hands???
I am wondering if the "hand" thing came up so powerfully because of the way I was feeling about his reaction to my post. I felt alone. I felt like he still just does not understand.
I still hope that maybe today or tomorrow, he will be able to respond more meaningfully. I have to stop hoping for more than he can give. Just share what hurts and accept his response and over time, over lots of time, maybe it will be enough.
Again, just need to get this out. It must have been painful for him to read that. It would be easier for me if he could share that with me. I feel like I am assuming and I cannot do that. I need to hear from him what he thinks and feels. That is what helps me to feel more secure.
I do try to focus on the present, I try so hard to appreciate what he is doing now, how he is behaving now. It is hard to be patient when I am in so much pain. It is hard to be patient when I know that each time he does express empathy, remorse it helps me heal a little bit more.
I am trying.
I would now like to be known as Can!
dday October 21,2012
dday December 20, 2013
attempted R, it was all a lie