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simplydevastated posted 9/26/2013 07:00 AM

He's away on a business for two days. His laptop is home and off and his Ipad is home. Should I attempt to log on?

I know most will probably say no. That NC = No new hurts. I just can't shake this nagging feeling that he has another email address through his Iphone/Icloud set up.

He has changed his password to his LinkedIn accounts and has other accounts that he has changed his passwords for as well.

Hell, even part of me is saying not to, but I just can't shake this feeling.

solus sto posted 9/26/2013 07:03 AM

If you have a feeling something is going on, I'm NOT in the no-new-hurts camp--especially not with a lengthy d-day history and recent changed passwords. (Have you asked about those? That is a big red flag, IMO.)

I know it hurts, but I'd far rather have confirmation of my suspicions (or learn that they are misplaced).

I'm sorry you're facing this. Millions of hugs to you.

[This message edited by solus sto at 7:04 AM, September 26th (Thursday)]

Sad in AZ posted 9/26/2013 07:06 AM

To what purpose, SD? To what end? What will you do with the information? Will it just hurt you, or will it spur you to make some kind of decision?

Living in limbo sucks, but unless you really believe that any new knowledge will help you in any way, don't do it.

Snooping for snooping's sake is a drug (believe me, I know.) I told myself all kinds of lies, like 'knowledge is power' or 'I'm protecting myself', but it wasn't true.

I will say that snooping did lead me to break from the X. When I found out that he was going to visit her family, it was the final straw (in a situation that I should have finalized long before I got to that point.)

simplydevastated posted 9/26/2013 08:30 AM

I know it hurts, but I'd far rather have confirmation of my suspicions (or learn that they are misplaced).

Solus, his is my thinking as well. I'd rather find out that it's just my paranoia, but on the flip side I also feel that while we're married I have the right to know what he's hiding. I'm not sure if that makes sense.

I know I should ask for the passwords. I also know that if I do I won't get them until he's wiped everything clean.

To what purpose, SD? To what end? What will you do with the information?

It would either confirm my suspicions or it will let me know that I've turned into a paranoid freak. If I find out he's doing something I can hold onto that information. If he's not doing anything, then fine.

It won't build my trust because he refuses to talk to me about it, he still has his secrets. Hell, on top of all that, I know that he's logged onto AFF during the last week of August this year.

heforgotme posted 9/26/2013 08:33 AM

I would.

One of the things that drives me crazy is that I ignored so many nagging feelings before.

Never again.

Eudaimonia posted 9/26/2013 09:18 AM

So then the question becomes: what happens if you find something?

uncertainone posted 9/26/2013 09:44 AM

It won't build my trust because he refuses to talk to me about it, he still has his secrets. Hell, on top of all that, I know that he's logged onto AFF during the last week of August this year.

If you found nothing you'd think you were a paranoid freak? Seriously? You already found something. Look at the above paragraph. He's standing in front of you screaming, "I don't care and I'm going to do exactly what the fuck I want to do" and you're saying, "what? You want to go to the zoo? I got part of that, I think...our connection must be bad".

You know, simply. You aren't paranoid. You aren't a freak. You know and you are fighting with yourself. It's not about him at all. Stop working against your self. Join sides and get this asshole out of your life. You'll find you have an amazing ally. She's got your six. She'll get you through this. Just listen to her and work with her.

HardenMyHeart posted 9/26/2013 09:52 AM

Hell, on top of all that, I know that he's logged onto AFF during the last week of August this year.

You need to realize you are in a 1 sided open marriage. Either learn to accept that, or consider moving on. After all this time, you are not going to change your WH and he does not appear to want to change.

So sorry for what you are going through.

FeelingMN posted 9/26/2013 09:56 AM

I think you should do it but I think you have to have perspective when you do it. What are you looking for? Where are you looking? What do you have to find/not find to satisfy your desire to look. I got obsessed and wouldn't stop until I "found" something when there really wasn't anything to find. I wasted a lot of time down that rabbit hole.

Ostrich80 posted 9/26/2013 14:14 PM

I would, usually when you feel like somethings not right, it.isn't.

StillLivin posted 9/26/2013 14:33 PM

I don't know if this helps.
I had opportunities to sleuth in the beginning, during False R.
I didn't because I wasn't ready to act upon it or to be hurt by it. I wanted to believe WH was telling the truth.
When I was ready for answers one way or the other, I started looking.
WH came home from a deployment and moved out the next day. He swore he was using the time to get his head right and his actions right with God.
My instinct called out BS. So I hired a PI. Up until that point he hadn't physically seen his mistress in 3 years. It had all been an EA after we moved to a different state. I told myself that an EA was wrong, but I could possibly take him back if he jumped through some very high WS hoops of true R.
And, if my gut was right and he had moved her here, I needed to know to be at peace when I changed LS to D.
And....she answered the door when the PI knocked.
I've already spoken to my attorney and waiting for her to get back with me on the paperwork to file D.
So, I guess I'm saying the same as other posts.
If you want to know when your gut is already telling you something, then you already know. What will you do with any knowledge gained, be hurt and broken further? Or, will it be knowledge is power and motivate an action from you...or an inaction as in NC and 180?
Good luck with whatever choice you make.

Ashland13 posted 9/26/2013 14:42 PM

I think that knowing real information is better than being in the dark, but I'm in the camp here asking you, SD, what will you do?

To that end, I will say that when I found out, it was difficult to confront without a plan and would be better with one...then, what's the plan when you get a reply? And so on it goes, like dominoes.

But I can only imagine being left alone with X's electronics, as they were more important than his wallet towards the end and never out of sight or open when I walked by.

If you have nagging it's probably for a reason. I also think of it as our "Jiminy Cricket" or conscience and I know that mine bugs the tar out of me until I satisfy it. So I give you much credit.

doubleboggy posted 9/26/2013 14:43 PM

Don't just try to log on, if you can't find the password then call and ask him for the password. You have the right to know.

simplydevastated posted 9/26/2013 15:04 PM

I haven't done anything yet.

If I do decide to log on, then anything I find would simply go into a folder and held with the rest of my evidence.

The last time I confronted him about whether or not he still cared about me his response was "I don't know, I haven't thought about." So I can only imagine if I did confront him with anything else his response would be "Yeah, so." Just because that's his usual response when confronted about how he treats our son.

I already have a plan in place on what I want and will do as soon as I have a job. That's the key right there, though. I need a job. I don't have any family that can take us in so I need to be able to stand on my own two feet.

I have applications in with two companies right now and I apply for anything that I can find with my skill set, so I am trying. I'm not just sitting here stewing.

Doubleboggy, I can get on without his password. I just have to hit F8 and enter his computer into safe mode and go from there. I've done it before after my first Dday.

I'm a little more nervous about getting onto his ipad because I don't know if there's some sort of app that would send an alert to his iphone and let him know his ipad was touched. I don't know how Apple works.

[This message edited by simplydevastated at 3:06 PM, September 26th (Thursday)]

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