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Remorseful but not getting the R process?

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naivewife posted 9/26/2013 08:05 AM

This is a really raw, semi-processed idea so bear with me. There's this disconnect going on with WH and I. I'm trying to put my finger on it. He's both awesome and terrible at R. I'm pretty sure he's remorseful but... what is missing? Here's what I'm starting to conclude, and maybe it's not uncommon?
You see, WH did all kinds of terrible when he betrayed me. He hit a point in the A where he basically decided there was no way I'd take him back if I found out anyway so he just went all out and betrayed the shit out of me, nothing mattered anymore. Lo and behold I do find out, and instead of doing what he expected and throwing him out, I decide to try to R. So now it's like he's so overcome with this realization that even after everything he did I still love him, that I have, essentially, unconditional love for him, and if we can survive this we can do anything, and throw on the fact that OW gave him another "option" promising the stars and the moon to him, and it dawned on him that I was all he wanted, it's like he doesn't get the need for R? Like hey, we're so in love, we're so strong, so let's just enjoy the rest of our life together. I don't think he recognizes the demolition site my soul as become, that needs rebuilding. I don't think he recognizes the role he needs to play to achieve this happily ever after. Part of the problem is that in our situation, we have two little ones at home and I HAVE to be strong and carry on, and we are very much in this partnership that we need to continue to be strong in for our kids. That I do indeed love him and want this to work out, but it's more than just a matter of time, being accountable, and a lot of sorries and I love you's. That actual reconstruction is necessary, no matter how great he may feel about the strength of our love. The digging deep, the relationship building, making me feel important and loved - worthy of sacrifice, the introspection, it's all NEEDED, it's not punishment or penance.
All right, I'm babbling and the baby is crying!

brokensmile322 posted 9/26/2013 08:19 AM


I don't have any answers really. I do know what you are saying though.

I have said to my WH that he is 'ready' to be over it because he has been dealing with it longer than I have. You see he had an awareness of the A, the feelings the lying etc.. I had no idea. I could feel something was wrong, but I DID NOT KNOW.

He had much more time to process this stuff. Think about it etc... I appreciate that he 'just wants to move on' with me, but you know what, I didn't get the same time to process, to figure it out etc.. My world blew up, I didn't know I was living a lie and I need to make sense of it all before I can 'move along.'

I am not sure how they get the magnitude of decimation they create. Maybe some others will come along to enlighten us. Just wanted you to know I so understand. My WH does what he is supposed to be doing. But as I read recently in another feels like he is complying with my requests and needs for R, rather than actually getting what it is all about.

We are now in MC with a good therapist. I hope he can help us.

Sadwife222 posted 9/26/2013 08:36 AM

My WH's A went on for 1 1/2 years. It made him feel good. I just found out about it. It made me feel pain.

For him, it's over. For me, it just started and I want as much time as I need to process all the betrayal, lies, and lack of conscience on his part.

We have different paths to the same goal. I feel that he had the freedom to choose that cheating and lying path without my knowledge. Now, I think he should help me and deal with the consequences and be willing to be uncomfortable while I suffer through the realization that he's not who I thought I was marrying 16 years ago.

broken0912 posted 9/26/2013 19:18 PM

My WHs A ended 3 years before he told me - (I did not find out on my own). He said he had to tell me because he felt there was something desperately wrong with "us" and we were headed for divorce (of which I was clueless), so thought he needed to tell me and get everything out in the open. It lasted (the PA) for at least 3 yrs. She had been my best friend and due to another matter had been basically out of our life for 1-1/2 yrs before he told me, however later found out he had maintained contact, through out this time she was supposedly out of "our" life - continued taking her calls and even paid her a visit upon request through a friend.

When he told me about the A, it was flat matter-of-fact with no emotion whatsoever. He also told me that he had already dealt with it with his sponsor (we are in a 12 step program for addicts) and had been forgiven already by God. He had also discussed it with at least 40 or so of his closest friends over the years and half of them were close friends of mine!

He had no idea that his "dealing with it" was just the beginning. He found out quickly that he had to face the total devastation, destruction and pain he caused me. And even though I probably showed him a bit more than 50% of the pain, he was surprised. Said he had no idea what he did would cause me this much pain - WTF???

He quickly promised me anything and everything and the world and said he would spend the rest of his life making it up to me and proving his love. I did not kick him out (though now know I should have). We went through HB - a 2nd honeymoon phase of sorts, which isn't to say I didn't have mood swings, triggers and spent almost every night crying in my closet while he slept. Through out this time, I could not get the whole story. He didn't remember basically anything. MC told me I knew enough, though I knew this was not true.

As I restarted asking questions, I started getting different answers, and soon found out the few details I thought I knew, were mostly all lies that he had no idea where I got, didn't remember saying them, or he must have just said it to "shut you the F*** up".

For a couple of months I went batshit crazy and was spinning almost as badly as I was the month after dday. Finally I learned on here something had to change, because I could not handle it anymore and my FWH was doing NOTHING to help me heal, was tired of it, thought I should be over it by now, and went back on everything he had promised at the beginning including telling me "I am not going to pay for this for the rest of my life. This is me, I'm not changing for you or anyone else."

I began the 180 (half heartedly for a week or so) and then after he deleted his call log & texts, I committed fully to doing the 180. It's only been about 2 weeks, & I'm amazed at the changes I'm starting to see. More importanly, I see the changes in myself and have realized, my life will be ok with or without him, though I have not yet completely given up hope of saving my marriage.

You may be thinking that I am different because I don't have children, however, my mother took my father back after 9 years apart (during which none of us had ever even seen him). She stayed in a miserable marriage for another 4.5 years with this man for us - the kids. It didn't do us any good at all, in fact more damage was caused especially to my younger brother and sister by my parents staying together after it was obvious the marriage should have been over.

Please look up the 180 and DO IT. As you begin to take care of yourself and quit trying to make him understand you or do anything at all, you're life will change. My FWH is just now figuring out that I might really leave and am prepared to do so, if things don't change. He is suddenly desperate to try and fix everything he has destroyed.

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