My WHs A ended 3 years before he told me - (I did not find out on my own). He said he had to tell me because he felt there was something desperately wrong with "us" and we were headed for divorce (of which I was clueless), so thought he needed to tell me and get everything out in the open. It lasted (the PA) for at least 3 yrs. She had been my best friend and due to another matter had been basically out of our life for 1-1/2 yrs before he told me, however later found out he had maintained contact, through out this time she was supposedly out of "our" life - continued taking her calls and even paid her a visit upon request through a friend.
When he told me about the A, it was flat matter-of-fact with no emotion whatsoever. He also told me that he had already dealt with it with his sponsor (we are in a 12 step program for addicts) and had been forgiven already by God. He had also discussed it with at least 40 or so of his closest friends over the years and half of them were close friends of mine!
He had no idea that his "dealing with it" was just the beginning. He found out quickly that he had to face the total devastation, destruction and pain he caused me. And even though I probably showed him a bit more than 50% of the pain, he was surprised. Said he had no idea what he did would cause me this much pain - WTF???
He quickly promised me anything and everything and the world and said he would spend the rest of his life making it up to me and proving his love. I did not kick him out (though now know I should have). We went through HB - a 2nd honeymoon phase of sorts, which isn't to say I didn't have mood swings, triggers and spent almost every night crying in my closet while he slept. Through out this time, I could not get the whole story. He didn't remember basically anything. MC told me I knew enough, though I knew this was not true.
As I restarted asking questions, I started getting different answers, and soon found out the few details I thought I knew, were mostly all lies that he had no idea where I got, didn't remember saying them, or he must have just said it to "shut you the F*** up".
For a couple of months I went batshit crazy and was spinning almost as badly as I was the month after dday. Finally I learned on here something had to change, because I could not handle it anymore and my FWH was doing NOTHING to help me heal, was tired of it, thought I should be over it by now, and went back on everything he had promised at the beginning including telling me "I am not going to pay for this for the rest of my life. This is me, I'm not changing for you or anyone else."
I began the 180 (half heartedly for a week or so) and then after he deleted his call log & texts, I committed fully to doing the 180. It's only been about 2 weeks, & I'm amazed at the changes I'm starting to see. More importanly, I see the changes in myself and have realized, my life will be ok with or without him, though I have not yet completely given up hope of saving my marriage.
You may be thinking that I am different because I don't have children, however, my mother took my father back after 9 years apart (during which none of us had ever even seen him). She stayed in a miserable marriage for another 4.5 years with this man for us - the kids. It didn't do us any good at all, in fact more damage was caused especially to my younger brother and sister by my parents staying together after it was obvious the marriage should have been over.
Please look up the 180 and DO IT. As you begin to take care of yourself and quit trying to make him understand you or do anything at all, you're life will change. My FWH is just now figuring out that I might really leave and am prepared to do so, if things don't change. He is suddenly desperate to try and fix everything he has destroyed.