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Is the fog really just denial?

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sodamnlost posted 9/26/2013 08:06 AM

Maybe this is just known and I am slow but I got to thinking this morning about the fog. It's taken me a year to understand my WH's "issue" of getting it but not getting it at the same time. Realized its just denial. He refuses to look at who he was and what he did. He doesn't deny the actual affair - just every truth about it. Since he can't face it, we can't move foreword. It's a horrible and confusing place to be - he's not an active wayward, just still holds on to all the behaviors and thought patterns that let him become a wayward in the first place. Sad really that THIS will be what ends my marriage in 7 weeks - not his affair.

He was driving to work and texted me about the fog on the road. All of a sudden I got this concept of the fog I think. It's called the fog because they can't see reality. They can't see reality because they are in denial. Is it that simple?

StillStanding1 posted 9/26/2013 09:05 AM

Yep, I agree. I'm too frustrated and confused today to write anything meaningful here.

I feel like my WH has been waving his hands, trying to move the fog away, but it's just futile. I don't know that it will ever clear. And like you said, it's not really fog. Just denial. He's way too arrogant and strong-willed to REALLY believe that he is broken. Says he doesn't blame me, but then makes a blaming statement with his next breath.

I wonder if he will finally notice that he can barely find his kids and his old happy life through the thick fog. I wonder if he will never see the OW with any clarity because of the mist in his eyes.

I think it's time for me to find my own sunny place in this world...

ETA: Just thinking that it's a real bad idea for your H to be texting while driving in the fog... then thought about how applicable that analogy is too!!! My WH is driving, texting, and hitting people in his fog. Maybe he should've pulled over until the fog cleared. Sigh...

[This message edited by StillStanding1 at 9:08 AM, September 26th (Thursday)]

OldCow18 posted 9/26/2013 09:06 AM

I don't know if it's just denial, but I do know that I can't clear it for him no matter how hard I wave my hands, blow on it, open a window, put a fan on, etc. The fog remains and there's not a damn thing I can do about it.

jackfish posted 9/26/2013 16:20 PM

SDL, I believe you are correct about fog=denial. Denial in that they lie about things to others but even worse, to themselves. It's a high like that of a drug.

I believe we've all experienced a "fog" or more in our lives. Where we knew we shouldn't have done something, or spent money on something, but we get that "&#@* it" moment and partake anyway. We anticipate it, get into the act of doing it, and as the initial thrill starts to taper off...in comes the guilt. Then the next day or week or whenever, we live with that hangover of guilt. An example might be when you have bills to pay, loans to pay, duties to fulfill, but we get talked into that expensive trip with your buddies that you instinctively KNOW you shouldn't do, but do it anyway. Sometimes that experience isn't really what it was cracked up to be, and when you return home, the anxiety is there cuz now you're REALLY screwed with the bills/loans/duties because they are still there, only worse now! Even if the experience was good, for a while anyway, it's still not enjoyable after because your REAL-life is back and that's way more important than the trip. you know, that "coming down" feeling. but by then, it's sometimes too late.

The only poor part of my analogy would be comparing bills/loans to your betrayed family. But I was just trying to get a point across that while in the fog (for the most part anyway), yep, we are in denial during that moment in time. And I'm sure we've all experienced it at one point or another.

[This message edited by jackfish at 4:24 PM, September 26th (Thursday)]

Razor posted 9/26/2013 17:52 PM

He doesn't deny the actual affair - just every truth about it. Since he can't face it, we can't move foreword. It's a horrible and confusing place to be - he's not an active wayward, just still holds on to all the behaviors and thought patterns that let him become a wayward in the first place. Sad really that THIS will be what ends my marriage in 7 weeks - not his affair.

All you can do is what you are doing. You cant fix your WH. And he cant fix you either. All each of you can do is to fix your own self.

In the end your WH will have to live with what he did. If he chooses to deny it or blame you or whatever else. THATS HIS PROBLEM NOT YOURS.

Just move on and put him in your rear view mirror.

sodamnlost posted 9/26/2013 17:58 PM

In the end your WH will have to live with what he did. If he chooses to deny it or blame you or whatever else. THATS HIS PROBLEM NOT YOURS.

I know - that's why I filed ;(

WoundedOpus posted 9/27/2013 03:46 AM

This post sums up where we're at so well. We are fast approaching six years and here we still are...I have finally asked for a divorce and he's in complete denial about that as well, I wonder how many more years of this this we can take. So sorry sodamnlost, I only wish I'd woke from my own fog of denial as quickly as you have and gotten out 5 years ago :(

crossroads2010 posted 9/27/2013 04:41 AM

It is like there is a fog 1 and fog 2. Fog 1 is that disconnect while the A is going on...when he was talking like a lovestruck teenager. Fog 2 comes from the denial brought on by the guilt. I can understand your need to get out of the M because he won't get it...until he does you can't feel safe. I am 4 years out and by all appearances we are back on track, but I haven't really committed to staying forever b/c he doesn't make me feel safe...he really doesn't understand what this did to us. I guess a big part of it is that the denial and the blameshifting he does internally helps him forgive himself...or maybe he really doesn't blame himself???

Either way, I am with stillstanding...well said!

I think it's time for me to find my own sunny place in this world...

with him or without him.

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