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Advice on telling obbf

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AML04 posted 9/26/2013 08:30 AM

So I wasn't sure where to post this but I figured here was the best place because we are currently trying to R.

A little backstory for this question. H and OW had been friends since 2008 or so. She had a live-in BF and eventually got engaged. In 3-4/10 she sent my H an explicit pic of herself. It didn't happen again for a while but was off and on until PA started 12/12. During that time her and BF had issues and eventually decided not to stay together.

She met another guy during this time and we found out after the fact she slept with him in 10/12. Fast forward to 12/31, she had sex with my H that morning and that night became "official" with the new guy. Meanwhile her live-in bf is still in her house!! (He didn't move out until Feb I believe). The A continued while she was seeing new guy. When she saw things were working out with him (Apr 12), she drops my H and says they should just be friends. I found out about the A in May.

So here is my question. Do I even bother telling OBBF about this? My H has a lot of anger for OW because she has no consequences and to be honest, I do too. Both of our ICs said not to tell him because we'd be doing it for the wrong reason. H has to work with her every day and it kills him to see her prancing around like nothing happened and then I have to see him upset.

Both of us do feel BBF should know what he's getting himself into but not sure if that warrants telling him.

Sorry for the long post!!! Any advice?

Edited for typos

[This message edited by AML04 at 6:05 PM, September 26th (Thursday)]

AML04 posted 9/26/2013 18:02 PM

I'm sorry if I'm not supposed to do this but I'm bumping because I'd really like some advice. If it's not ok, just let me know. Thx!

doesitgetbetter posted 9/26/2013 18:27 PM

It doesn't matter if you are telling for the "wrong" reasons (what would be the right reasons for telling anyway?), the man deserves to know that his girlfriend was cheating on him from the start. Period. He deserves to know his life and health are at risk due to his girlfriends behavior. What he does with this information is up to him, but he has a right to know what she's up to.

standingonmarble posted 9/26/2013 19:05 PM

Anyone who does two guys on the same day deserves to be exposed for the type of woman she is. Much like I did to the OW in my story.

AML04 posted 9/26/2013 19:35 PM

Thank you both!!

I would want to know if the roles were reversed but I'd be lying if I didn't say I wouldn't also get extreme pleasure blowing up her world.

I just hope if I do get the courage up, it doesn't bring her back into our life in a bad way. I'm really still trying to process this and right now I'm having more bad days than good.

[This message edited by AML04 at 7:37 PM, September 26th (Thursday)]

integritymatters posted 9/26/2013 19:40 PM

If I understand this correctly, in October AP was with live in BF/fiance, screwing new guy and having an EA on the side with your WH.

New guy may not have known about your WH but he did know about BF/fiance as she was living with him. He knowingly chose to engage in an emotional/physical relationship with her and knowingly chose to be an OM in her primary relationship. As did your WH.

I don't believe either you or your husband owe him anything and I also believe he does know what he's getting himself into regardless of knowledge of AP's relationship with your WH. Whether he choses to see it or not is his calling. After all, he did get emotionally and physically involved with an engaged woman in a common-law relationship. He KNOWS she is a WW, he knows he's an OM.

I agree with your IC's in that you don't need to tell him. Not because you are doing it for the wrong reasons, but because what does he or AP or any of their relationship have to do with your R? He's just another OM. The "winner" apparently and of what? A woman who juggles 3 guys at the same time? I think your H and betrayed fiance are actually the winners of that twisted scenario.

I advise you focus on yourself and each other and your marriage and let them go live their soap opera "over there" without you. I guarantee more drama is in store for her/them and you are better off indifferent to it

AML04 posted 9/26/2013 19:50 PM

Integritymatters-I've definitely thought of that, he was knowingly an OM even if she was telling him her relationship with her then F was over. I'm going to think long and hard about this because H and I have a lot of work to do and the last thing we need is more drama.

Thanks for the reality check. Now we just have to find H a new job.

[This message edited by AML04 at 7:52 PM, September 26th (Thursday)]

Lonelygirl10 posted 9/26/2013 21:04 PM

I told the OW's boyfriend last week about her A with my boyfriend. He responded to me, and said that he already knew about it. He then said that she's a sweet girl who just got mixed up, and he was sorry for the pain she caused me.

In some ways, it's a burden off my shoulders that I told him. But I do have to admit that I feel slightly disappointed that he didn't break up with her.

So, I advise telling him. But realize that you may not get the reaction that you want.

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