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Not Knowing For Sure Is Killing Me

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StuckInHell posted 9/26/2013 09:22 AM

This is my second topic here. I've been suspicious of my WH having an affair for a few months, which he has denied. Last week I became suspicious that my husband has a secret cell phone. I purchased a VAR recorder and put it under his desk on a day he was working at home. It must not have had a full battery charge and only two hours recorded, which yielded no proof. I haven't had the right opportunity to get the VAR in his car yet. I think there is part of me that might not be ready for the truth, because to be honest, I could have had that VAR charged up and in his car by now. On the flip side, not knowing and my constant obsession with 'is he' or 'isn't he' quite literally is driving me crazy.

Have any of you out there gone through this type of scenario? What did you do to cope?

On a side note, I started IC yesterday. I did not tell WH that I was doing this, because I did not want him to complain about the expense. I use the find your iphone app occasionally to check up on WH. One hour before my appointment, he was at the therapists office!! There is absolutely no reason for him to be there. I had written the address the therapist had given me in my calendar with the appointment. Creepy or what?

callmecrazy posted 9/26/2013 12:20 PM

IC is a good idea. Start talking before you go crazy (trust me on this). Keep track of things privately so he doesnt stay ahead of you. hide that you are on here. Hide everything until you do know what is going on. I thought I was crazy, but I was just being jerked around and gaslighted bc I didnt get a full heap of information before I approched my husband. Also, I had a serious gaslighter so it was very hard while I was showing I wasnt going to fall for the bull. Get the truth. Be strong. You cant work on anything if you dont know what you are working on. It sounds like you are building on you, which is good. Best of luck to you.

k9lover1 posted 9/26/2013 12:57 PM

Sometimes VAR's can be "voice activated" and will shut down or go into a sleep mode when there isn't sufficient noise or sound. maybe that is why it only recorded two hours.

You will eventually get the answers you need, try to be patient - I know it's hard. try to keep occupied and take care of yourself, pamper yourself and try really hard to relax and refresh.

they don't call patience a virtue for nothing :)

gypsybird87 posted 9/27/2013 00:21 AM

Hi Stuck,

I went through this very thing, and yes it is HELL. Things he was doing and saying weren't making any sense. Like saying he'd been at the gym for several hours but his gym clothes were as fresh as if he'd just put them on. But when I would question him, he'd have an answer that sort of made sense, and made me feel confused and stupid. Lots of little things... none of which on their own would have been a big deal, but all together it was becoming a HUGE deal.

I KNEW he was lying to me. But I didn't know for sure about what. And that's what was making me crazy. The marriage was becoming so miserable that I wasn't sure I could continue even trying when I knew he was being dishonest about something. I definitely had strong suspicions that it was another woman, because when you think about it, the list of possible things causing your spouse to lie to you like this is pretty short. An affair, a gambling problem, a drug problem, committing crime... what else is there, really?

I knew what it was, in my gut. But I didn't feel able to end the relationship or even declare an ultimatum without some kind of proof. I remember telling my IC, that if he was having an affair I wished I would catch them in bed or something, because at least then I would KNOW what I was dealing with and what I should do. Because like you said, the not knowing was making me crazy. Being SO sure, and yet not sure at all... it really does mess with your sanity.

In the end I got my proof, and I'm glad it wasn't catching them in bed. It was a very sappy, I love you, you mean the world to me, we're a perfect couple blah blah blah Valentine from her to him. I seriously felt like I was going to throw up. But underneath that was a tiny bit of relief that now the crazy not knowing was over. I wasn't really that surprised when I found it, except for the signature, because it was a name I know, a woman I know.

Anyway, sorry this is so long. I just wanted you to know I understand, and I agree that where you are is indeed Stuck In Hell. I understand the feeling of being unable to take action and being so frustrated. Because you have just enough information to make you miserable, but not quite enough to take any definitive action yet. My advice is to keep sleuthing, until you find what you need in order to confront him and take action.

It feels horrible to be so suspicious of someone you love, someone you've promised your trust and faith too. But please, don't feel guilty. If he's given you good reason to feel the way you do, then you owe it to yourself to find out the truth.

Hugs to you, hang in there!

[This message edited by gypsybird87 at 12:22 AM, September 27th (Friday)]

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