SurvivingInfidelity.com Forum Archives

Sweets09 posted 9/26/2013 15:06 PM

D-day for me was exactly 30 days ago today. Ever since the day I found out about HIS affair, I have literally been in a fog.

I have been reading all of your posts for weeks, trying to get the courage to tell my story...knowing that once I wrote it down for others to read, it would be more real and that made me feel vulnerable. But I am ready......I need the support.

As I mentioned, 30 days ago my husband admitted to having a sexual affair. Supposedly the "sexual part only happened over one particular weekend ( 4th of July 2013) before that it was "only" emotional( Like that is any better).

We have been together for almost 5 years. I will be honest, now that I am analyzing everything....our relationship has probably always been filled with secrets and/or lies. I am not naïve enough to believe that this is the first time he has cheated ( whether emotionally or physically)but I will admit to some sort of blindness. I just think I wanted this to be "the one" so bad that I ignored the obvious.

As of today, we are barely speaking and I am looking for a new place to live for my daughter and I ( He is not her father). I know they say not to make any BIG decisions until you are off the emotional roller coaster but, I honestly am at the point where it is unhealthy for me to stay. I am so disgusted and my heart is so broken, I can barely function when were in the same room. I want to live again ( or at least start the process).

I don't see me ever getting past this, at least not without looking at him completely different. I am a Christian ( and ironically so is he) and I know I am supposed to FORGIVE him and believe me when I say, I am desperately trying..... This includes endless praying and LOTS of tears!

Who knows what the future holds for us...for ME! And I wasn't ever planning on it not including him, but apparently he did. I need to focus on the Lords plan for me, he will see me through this! I have FAITH!!!

iwillNOT posted 9/26/2013 16:47 PM

Sweets09, I am so sorry you find yourself in this situation. You have been terribly betrayed. In light of what you found out, I think it is normal to look back and question everything in your relationship. I know i did. Has he been cheating all along? Was everything a lie? How can you believe anything he says?

Truly, this may be a deal breaker for you, only you can know that. But, it is early days to know for sure.

If you feel like you need space away from him, why can he not be the one to leave? He did this thing, he should give you what you need, even if that is time away from him. Can he leave for a couple of weeks, then you can reassess? Seems like it would be less disruptive for your daughter( you didn't mention how old she is? ) and for you, to not have to leave your familiar home.

What is your husband doing for you? Is he open and answering questions? Is he sorry? Is he transparent to you? Does he take responsibility?

As for forgiveness, maybe someone else can offer some insight. I am pretty far from that, myself. I do think it is a process and that there are things you will need to work through before you get there.

Please take care of yourself, do what comforts you, and keep us posted on how you are doing.

(((hugs)))

lieshurt posted 9/26/2013 18:49 PM

I know they say not to make any BIG decisions until you are off the emotional roller coaster

Some of the happiest people on this site are the ones who left and divorced quickly.

Skan posted 9/26/2013 21:22 PM

My dear, I am a Christian I work for a church as it's administrator. My FWH is a Christian. He comes from a family deep in faith and religion.

And you can see that I'm here on this site just as you are. Look into the roster of people here. You'll find religious, including pastors and other types of faith-leaders. The Bible is filled with stories of good men (and women) who commit adultery, and the results of those decisions.

And adultery is one of the few justifications that the Bible has for divorce.

Cheaply given forgiveness isn't worth spit. It's a cop-out and fake. Because it isn't true forgiveness it's (IMO) a fear-driven reaction offered up to conform with an ideal. It's not true and, unless it's true, it's not worth honoring. Unless it is offered with your entire heart, soul, and being, it's the gift that is begrudgingly given by being thrown on the ground in front of the beggar. Forgive in your own time and remember that the Christ once tore apart a temple driving out the moneychangers that had lodged there he cleaned house of the impure that had taken up lodging in a place that was meant to be pure.

If this is a deal-breaker for you, then shake the dust off of your feet and walk on. Get to a lawyer, find out what your rights are, and put your faith in God and walk into the light. You don't have to justify that decision to anyone. It's yours and yours alone to make. But please, come back here often for support. We all care about you and we will have your back. (((hugs)))

Sweets09 posted 9/27/2013 09:19 AM

I apologize all, I realize I was a little vague on the details...please ask me whatever you want, I will fill in the blanks!

Iwillnot-You are absolutely correct, HE DID THIS!!!! I have been saying these exact same words to him for weeks. Whenever he is feeling sorry for himself...I remind him, " THIS HAPPENED TO ME"!!! I don't want to be or sound like a victim, but it truly frustrates me that he pouts and cries in front of me, like I should be sorry for HIS actions, lack of judgment and disrespect!

As far as him leaving instead of me....I know him and he will drag his feet, prolong the situation in hopes that I will change my mind and I don't want to live confined to my bedroom any more. I guess what I m trying to say is, if you want something done, then you have to do it yourself. Besides, our house has become a house of cards for me....there is no longer any foundation and pretty much feels like its going to fall in around me at any moment. We ( my daughter and I) need a safe place to call home. (Please don't miss understand- I don't mean safe as in he is at all physically abusive, I mean safe as in emotionally). BTW, my daughter is 16, and thank God very much a teenage girl that has a very active social life-she pretty much ignores all the adult stuff that is going on around her.

So I joined a support group and last night was my first meeting. I have to admit, I was skeptical going in. All I pictured was a bunch of people crying for 45 minutes and solving nothing. BUT, it turns out most of these people have been attending this weekly meeting for months and have "BEEN THERE, DONE THAT" so it was very informative and refreshing to see that I will one day be where they are in this process.....a survivor!

My BIGGEST question today is: DO I WANT DETAILS? I have so many questions, but I'm afraid anymore information will push me over the edge. But then I think, all I do all day long is make up my own scenarios and that is tearing me apart anyway, so what do I have to lose??

Thank you Skan, for reminding me that we are all sinners( no matter our walk in life) and that being a Christian is an action and not just a word!

[This message edited by Sweets09 at 9:23 AM, September 27th (Friday)]