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Do I really want to know?

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TheAmazingWondertwin posted 9/26/2013 17:05 PM

So, we are at two months and I have to say I am happy with our progress. We have had bumps along the way and I am in no way "okay" but he is doing everything I ask and really making efforts. I am very grateful.
However, while he told me to ask anything- I haven't. He said they only had sex twice and that it was " disapointing." They were together for about a month, two orthree late wvenings after he got off work- always home by midnight. He was ashamed as we talk about it and claims he didn't even finish ( sorry for TMI). I haven't asked for details. I already have too many mind movies in my head. Our sexual relationship has been better than ever ( go figure).
I am so afraid of hearing all the details. Will that keep me from wanting him to do the same things with me? What if he fudges and I know? Will it kill what little trust we have built back up? I don't want to make him feel the shame again- funny, I am worried about him now.
But I do have questions. When I asked him for the day he first kissed her, he said he doesn't remember because it wasn't important to him. That hurt. It was the day he decided to betray us. That moment nearly destroyed us and he doesn't remember?
I am so hesitant to ask because:
A. Do I really want to hear all of it?
B. what if he fudges the story to try and keep me from hurting more?
And c. What if he tells me the truth and I just don't believe him?
Aaaaargh.... This is so much NOT fun. :(

musiclovingmom posted 9/26/2013 17:21 PM

I did not ask sexual details. I read enough in texts/emails/messages to keep my mind plenty busy. I thought about asking (and sometimes still do). However, on the advice of someone here, I decided to wake what he DID NOT do with them. That way I knew for sure what was specifically ours. There wasn't much (he had 5 OW over 18 months), but what little there was I clung to like crazy in the first few months. Those things are still reassuring to me if I'm having a bad day. I also started asking why I wanted to know the answer to a question. If I want to know to aid my healing, I ask. If my reason is more morbid curiosity, I let it go. I always try to remember that I can't unhear an answer once he gives it and I have a really good memory (and, unfortunately, think in pictures anyway).

bionicgal posted 9/26/2013 17:33 PM

I agree, but it is sometimes difficult to determine morbid curiosity from what will aid healing.

I am one of those who has few specific, sexual details. I know how many times, where, and have a general sense of when. I am probably going to go for the particulars of when, but leave it there. It wasn't a long A, so it isn't too many.

But, do I want a seat on the nightstand? No thanks. There is enough crap in my head the way it is. Our MC said ask for 25% of what you think you want to know, and then see how you feel after. That seemed like good advice to me early on. It is actually good for the WS to talk about it, because it helps burst the bubble and them seeing your hurt helps them realize what they have done.

I don't know about all the APs on here who have the disappointing sex, though! I do wonder if they aren't minimizing - or if it just couldn't live up to the fantasy? I don't know.

iwillNOT posted 9/26/2013 17:37 PM

Wonder twin, I am with you. I am 6 weeks in and while I have asked for some details, they weren't many, and almost no sexual ones. I want to know a little, I don't want to know a little, , and I am afraid to know.

We have had HB and it has been great, a real positive, and I am afraid to ruin it over details I won't be able to get out of my head. I mean, I know they had sex- why do I need to know how many o's she had, or if her breasts were symmetrical, kwim? Maybe some day, but for sure not now.

I feel like I know the things that are vital already, and he is walking the walk everyday, so I am ok with it right now.

If I were wondering about it all the time, I might have to ask, though.

[This message edited by iwillNOT at 5:45 PM, September 26th (Thursday)]

TheAmazingWondertwin posted 9/26/2013 17:46 PM

Wow and thank you. Your responses really helped.
And about the "disapointing" - he did say that it just didn't live up to what he thought it would. I get that- its an affair, right? It's supposed to be all hot and steamy.
When he told me that he didn't even finish I believe my response was "then how did you know it was over? Did you guys set an alarm clock or something?" I then asked him to please don't tell me. I really don't want to know if she climaxed or not.
I hate that I just typed that about the man I married and another woman. Sigh...

Thank you again- being able to share and read your responses is helping so much more than I realized.

I wish only strength and blessings to each of you as you fight for the love you believe in.

Kimba22 posted 9/26/2013 18:44 PM

We are 5 months into R and things have been wonderful too. I did want to know the details as I was so hurt that he slept with both of us and sometimes on the same DAY...ya I know!!!! When he decided to end the A and come back home I asked him for details, I just had to know why, how and where. He told me that it was only 3 times and that it wasn't that good. He said he blames himself and thought it was his age (49) as he was having a hard time sexually with her (OW 32yr). I mentioned to him well you NEVER had an issue with me, our sex life was always good. He said maybe he was nervous or feeling guilty. I wasn't sure if this was true or more lies but when I talked to the OW on Dday she confirmed what he said with some rude comments about how "he was always tired" and "things didn't work that well". I let out a laugh that pissed her off even more and said I guess it was just you!!!! LOL It was KARMA coming around....So for me I'm glad I asked because that is one movie that I do not replay in my mind anymore, we still have along way to go but that is one part of the A that I can laugh about and put to "bed"!!!!

topperoff22 posted 9/26/2013 19:18 PM

I am in the same boat right now. My husband says it was one time and he wore protection and that's all I know. I know it as at her house "trailer" whatever. He hasn't said if he felt guilty or shame or what but doesn't seem to want to talk about it and only says over and over "I'm so sorry. I'm so sorry for what I did to you." I don't really know how much I want to know. Honestly I think he is the one who initiated it and all along I've called her the black widow who went after him. I think it was him all along..whether he thought he needed to prove he could get her again because she dumped him years ago for someone else after sleeping around on him ... So, I keep I really want to know? :( And do I want to make the pain worse for him? I'm right there with you on that...isn't it ridiculous considering what they put us through?!

And, like you, we've had tons of sex in the last we are rekindling things but sometimes I can't because I picture them together and wonder what they did and how he held her and kissed her. and I wonder why the affair continued for seven months aftre that as an emotional affair (from what he says anyhow.)

Mel36 posted 9/26/2013 19:24 PM

Hi there BS's I just want to share my view on asking for details. I hope this helps.

I have a WS who has always been secretive so being secretive about his 36 affairs over a one year period has been par for the course. I asked and asked and then the info came trickling in over three weeks. The numbers went up from 8 to 12 then 18 then oh...I am sure not more then 20 and on it went. Until he listed 36 and only stopped because I could not hear anymore of it. Be careful what you ask to know. Once you hear it theming movies replay over and over.

If you were blind and somebody told you the world was full of filth, hate,cruelty and sadness....would you still want to see it? If it meant seeing it for the rest of your life.....would you want to? It is a pandora's box. If you want to stay in the marriage it is best to accept.....not necessarily forgive right away but at least accept that it is dark and dirty in detail. Be careful!

I asked for more, got only their homes, hotels....even one across the street from my work while I was at work making less money for twelve hour shift than he paid her for the hour. Go figure?

All I know now....10 mths later is .....the number 36, ages from a few likely underage up to 38. All whor*s, all $200.-$300. Per episode, all in the town I live and work in, every night I worked he played outside our home. Thankfully he did not bring them here.

He found them on backpage and escort sites. Yeah, like most WS he said," it wasn't even that good" what an going back for more despite saying that. Oh...I would say.....that was a lie on my WS behalf. He was trying to spare my feelings.......imagine that.

He would still be doing it had I not caught him. Likely could be doing it. I don't sleep in the same room. When we speak we fight.....well I yell....he ignores me.....and says.....that is what the books say to do....listen and not fight back.

When I ask for details he wants me to ask specific questions. OMFG! He actually told me ....well he said," well one of the hookers had a little dog with herr and I seen it in the bathroom". Cannyou imagine giving that bullshit for details.

Why am I still here in this house with him? Who the hell knows? Thousands spent on councellors and intensive couples weekend. He does not open up....ever. Total lost in past year....approaching $30,000.

It is only on here....SI that I get any venting done. In real life I suffer. All I have read says be careful who you tell. I get that because the two I told have betrayed me. They quizzed me from day to day til I cut them off. Be careful of the other scorned women. An ex friend who was a BS herself a few years back has been riding the divorce wagon right up to my front door. I tell nobody now. I read books, research, wait for WS to see his Psychologist every two weeks, wait for her to coach him, wait, wait.....and wait some more. I had deadlines for this suffering and all have come and gone. Why? Wo knows? I guess I have nothing better to do. It can't be said that he didn't have a chance to reconcile and repair this mess.

Anyway, thanks for allowing me to vent. Good luck to all of you!

topperoff22 posted 9/26/2013 19:42 PM

Musiclovingmom: That is me too...I think in pictures and my counselor keeps reminding me once I hear something or know something I can't unhear or unlearn it ...

MsRukia posted 9/27/2013 08:01 AM

I asked for every last detail. I didn't want TT. It still was a month before I had the full picture if the affair. We are now almost 2 months from DDay 1. I now really don't have questions. I know what I was up against for months. I now can heal. I felt it was better to know everything up front from the beginning than to get pieces over the months. I wanted everything all out in the table. I figured I was already hurting better to hurt all at once then to continually be shattered by small pieces of it. But, that's me and that's my approach. I think you have to decide what you can handle or not.

heartbrokeninaz posted 9/27/2013 08:42 AM

I made him tell me everything. It was 1 time in our hot tub, she brought condoms. Like your spouse he said it was the worst piece of ass he has EVER had in his life. He didn't climax either(never been an issue for us) He said he kept thinking about me. I guess revenge is sweet. I do feel better knowing but at the same time I picture it in my head. Our sex liffe is amazing now also. He won't have sex with me in the hot tub. He says its to uncomfortable and not that exciting? Maybe karma came and bit him in the ass, who knows. Just know you need to ask whatever you think is right for you to heal. We all need different amounts of information. Some need all of it like me, some need nothing at all. Good luck! I hope it all works out wonderfully

[This message edited by heartbrokeninaz at 8:43 AM, September 27th (Friday)]

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